I did share the news about the possibility of motor neurone-with my closest friends, whose reactions were as above: Oh My God, What the Fuck!!?? This is no time to be particularly PC-not that I've ever been PC anyway, as regular readers know by now.
I had a weepy and sleepless weekend last week-but how could I have anything other than that? And who in their right mind-regardless of how overworked and grumpy they are at the time- would ever just say to a patient "oh, by the way, they think you have motor neurone, but they didn't want to tell you". Duh?? It's like saying to someone "You've got cancer. But never mind, have a cup of tea, and would you like a biscuit with that?".
Everyone I know consulted the Great God Google-including me. I'm forever looking up things on Google-it has to be one of the greatest inventions of all time, up there with Microsoft, computers, antibiotics, Starbucks and Kettle Chips. Mustn't forget Starbucks and Kettle Chips, they kept me going all week. Hang the five a day. Enjoy life.
This week was a bit tricky. I met up with a friend who sold her flat, quit her job, and has been looking for work since just after New Year's. I told her not to worry, that she would find something really great, and she felt better. Last night she phoned me and told me that she starts her new job on Tuesday. Well, I had to be supportive, and I could hear relief in her voice.
That was the start of an okay week. I decided that I don't have motor neurone, and that there is nothing I can do about it until I retake the tests, and that will happen-er-sometime. The NHS is so overstretched that who knows when this will all take place? I have to stop worrying about everything-no wonder I get depressed! I mentally swore at the doctor who gave me this news without thinking about it first. You know, there is always one, isn't there, with the "bedside manner" of Attila the Hun.
We had this storm called Doris, and furiously high winds. I knew I was in for a tough time getting to see my friend Dani in Essex, but I decided to go anyway. I didn't go anywhere on Tuesday, walked a bit on Wednesday, and could feel the change in my balance almost immediately. If I don't do the vestibular exercises and walk-a lot-every day, I start to revert back to where I was a year ago, and that doesn't make me very happy. These exercises are for life. Thanks to the four cripplers at Barts for that-but it does give me a challenge, so I just keep going, like the Energizer bunny.
Well-the wind blew me everywhere on Thursday-and there were times I thought I was going to end up in traffic, which I found a bit scary. But I persevered, fought the very high winds, and got to see my friend on time. I even fought the winds on the way back, and there were times where I had to stop walking and stand there and get thrown around. But I got back (took three hours), got blown into the flat, made a strong coffee, and realized that I hadn't fallen over once. Not once.
Miracles do happen, and I'm living proof of that. By rights I should have been dead long ago, but I'm still going. And the fact that I got there and back without any problems-except strong winds, which I decided to fight so I could get there in time-was a huge win for me. I never could have done this a couple of years ago. I wouldn't even have attempted it, I didn't have the confidence.
It's quite amazing how you cope when you don't really have any other choice. So I just keep putting one foot in front of another and hope that I won't fall over myself. And one lesson of this past week is: never believe everything anyone tells you. Demand proof. Just because they call themselves "experts" it doesn't mean that they aren't really total assholes.
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