The Curious Case of the Senile Vagina

This was supposed to be hot on the heels of mentioning poor Phil and his frozen bollocks. Before you have an aneurism: I'm talking about Punxsutawney Phil, the world's most famous groundhog. By now, his bollocks will have thawed out and he'll be over being sedated for Groundhog Day. Poor thing. If it was me, I'd bite the handler, sedation or no sedation. But that's me. And probably you.

It's been a month of the usual appointments (only to be told that I'm in great shape-for my age-hmmm! and that I should come back in six months time. Oh, joy), as well as falling over way too much. So I was back with my physio, having the Epley manoeuvre, and then back in the chair-that chair- being dangled unceremoniously upside down until the nasty BPPV passed, and the crystals in my inner ears decided to return from holiday.

I told you about some of the other tenants in my little area, including the Ugly Sisters, aka Worthless and Useless. That would be Big Flo, previously known as Fatberg (her relatives can be found in London sewers, and you can Google that if you want to be suddenly extremely sick to your stomach).
Flo and her friend, Val: they are two of the most poisonous creatures I have ever met. They spend all day watching daytime television, drinking copious amounts of wine and whisky-do you think that someone who goes through an entire bottle of wine every day-except when she forgets, and has a second one on top of that one-has a problem?

When they aren't drinking and blinding themselves watching the big screen, they are sitting outside (drinking) and making very nasty comments about everyone who is passing by. They do this at top volume, too, which I personally find disgraceful. So much for the Ugly Sisters. They've had a go at nearly everyone who lives in the area, so they aren't exactly on everyone's Christmas card list.

I mention all this because I overheard them the other day-you could overhear them in Dublin, they are that loud-and Flo was saying that she really missed having sex. I just about fell over, I laughed so hard. She glared at me and I said: you've had sex? With someone who was blind and senile? Or was it a goat?

I walked away, and remembered someone from my past: my neighbour from many years ago, when I had only been in this country for a couple of years. Her name was Betty, she was English (nobody is perfect, after all), and she was a really sweet person, very old school (white gloves and a hat to church, very proper. Old school).

I came back from work one afternoon and found Betty almost weeping outside my door. So, of course, I made her a coffee-and put a brandy in it. She asked for a double, and explained to me that she was having problems "down there" (old school, remember. Today everyone is so much more graphic). She went to a well known gynaecologist -privately, no NHS involvement, or she would still be waiting for an appointment. He examined her, and told her that it had been so long that she had a senile vagina. Upset? Seriously?

I just had to laugh. I even choked on my coffee. I asked her if he was an old guy. Yes, she said. Ugly? I asked. Yes again. Well, that was the problem, I told her. He was old, and ugly, and probably gay-most likely gay-and hated women, because nobody under the age of 80 would even look twice at him.

I even checked with my gynaecologist (female), and checked with everyone I knew who was in the medical field. There was no such affliction as a senile vagina. I related this to Betty a couple of days later, and she was so happy-especially since I called him a woman-hating asshole. What could she do but agree?

Well. I remembered the Betty story (true, by the way) as I walked away from the Ugly Sisters. And there is a moral to this story (isn't there always?). The next time some woman-hating doctor pulls this on you, threaten to break his arm. Well, no, that isn't really the moral of the story, it just sounds good.  The next time a couple of ugly old fossils make fun of you (or your friends, or anyone you like), just look at them, think "senile vagina", and have a good laugh. But not while you're driving. That would really be hard to explain.