Transformers: Rise of the Braindead

I decided that I wouldn't make any New Year's Resolutions-because I always break them, usually on January 2nd. So I thought of things I want to accomplish in 2014-and, because I didn't make a written list, I also decided that a list in my head doesn't count. So if I don't do it, I didn't break any resolutions. And that is so lame! But it is the only excuse I've got, and I'm sticking to it.

I decided that I will be nice to people this year. Of course, that doesn't mean all people. I exclude the rude, obnoxious, brain-dead (trust me, there are a lot of those!), the deranged. I also must exclude doctors called Bright, Grigoriadou, and Longhurst, known as the three cripplers. In fact, I was at the hospital last week, and one of the patients told me that Longhurst broke her wrist. Honestly, before I could stop myself, I replied "she should have broken her neck". Oops! So much for forgiveness...

I also exclude politicians, lawyers, policemen, accountants, and anyone else who deserves to be named and shamed. Oh, and I must add anyone who works for the tabloids: the Sun, Mirror, Daily Mail, Express, Star, and anyone else I've missed. Really, with such a high percentage of morons in this country, it isn't surprising to know that people really believe what they read. Example: my neighbour stopped me the other day and said that the Obamas were going to divorce. Apparently Obama is so mediocre and disliked, and such a total oaf, that Michelle has had enough. Who first printed the story? The National Enquirer-and the Mail reprinted it. Of course. Everything these rags print must be true, right? I just laughed. What else can you do?

I calculated that 99.9% of the population is, as I said before, rude, obnoxious, brain-dead, and/or deranged, as well as lazy. So I figured out that, with a population of approximately 63,705,000 (isn't Google the greatest), that leaves approximately 63,000 (plus or minus a few hundred) who actually have functioning grey matter. So-where are they hiding?

I need to tell you two stories to illustrate my point (I'm such an anorak).

The first concerns my Pilates and Yoga acquaintance, Julia. She wanted to meet and go to the movies. So I suggested The Wolf of Wall Street. Off we went last Friday. Now-Julia is a very religious Catholic. She is also very evangelical. We don't discuss religion, and I always move the conversation away from anything religious. So-when the cursing started, Julia sprinted to the Ladies Room, to return ten minutes later. Less than thirty minutes (Probably twenty minutes into the film, Julia announced that she couldn't stand the language-and she got up and left, never to be heard from again (I tried to phone and text-I'm definitely the devil, I think).

The Wolf of Wall Street contains more than 500 references to the F word. That isn't F as in fart, either. For the benefit of those of you with a delicate constitution, I'll just say "F**k"- not that everyone doesn't use the word (I say it under my breath when some dimwit crashes into me-but loudly when I'm alone and something happens.

It was a review in the Times that mentioned either 505 or 530 times the F word was used. What I want to know is: WHO counts these? What do they do when they run out of fingers? Do they sit in the cinema and use a counter? Who is so nuts-so OCD-to actually sit there and count? It's a film, stupid! I read the article and thought this must have been made up. How asinine is that?  And, by the way, I thought DiCaprio deserves an Oscar for his performance. He was sensational. But that is just me, I'm not the academy of whoever they are, and they rarely get it right-at least, in my book.

Story two: reality television shows. Eeeek! People ask me why I make fun of the people from Essex, and I say that it is because their collective IQs don't move into single figures, let alone double ones.Case in point: there is a reality show about people who live in Essex-although I don't know why anyone would care-and the "stars" do-whatever it is they do, all for the camera. I've never seen it. I don't watch reality shows, and they are cheap television: cooking shows, dancing, all kinds of competitions, and, of course, the show I just mentioned. The "breakout star" of this debacle is called - what else but Joey Essex? Well, duh-that is probably the only word he can spell, so that's his stage name. By his own admission-and I do mean his OWN admission, he cannot tell the time. But he collects expensive watches (Rolex, Patek Philippe, etc), and someone else has to tell him the time. He also can't add-or spell-in fact, there is very little he can do. And Essex girls (according to Joey) think he's hot. Hot? Excuse me?

I clearly come from an era where intelligence is sexy. Imbeciles are not sexy.

And-I have to tell you this: in this country, everyone who has a television set has to pay the BBC for a television license. It costs nearly £150-which is more than $250-per year. Even though there is so much absolute drivel on the telly, everyone has to pay-unless you are over 75 or blind (or dead). And there are investigators whose sole job is to visit every property that isn't registered to make sure the people either pay or don't have a television. And-the investigators have the legal right to enter your home without any notice, any written warrant, anything. They are allowed by law to thoroughly search your home, and they can come in at any time, day or night. If you are caught with a telly in your property, the fine is over a thousand pounds. Huh. I used to call them the telly police-until I was told by a friend that the license investigators have more power than the police. Now I call them the Gestapo. That would never happen in my country-at least, I hope not! Perhaps I've been here too long.

No wonder I don't have a television-and a lot of people I know are getting rid of theirs, just because they find it offensive to pay so much for so little. Someone asked me the other day what I do when I don't have a television. I said: I read. You should try it some time.

One thing I do have is lots of stories from my many years in this country. Hey-how did they ever become an empire? And-no wonder they needed us to win the war.