Retribution can be good for the soul-and what goes around comes around

I ended up spraining my ankle-that is what I get for not looking at the potholes and staring at the gorilla instead. Silly, really, since the gorilla fit right in with 99% of the population, who still walk with their knuckles scraping the ground (must be hereditary). For the gorilla it was probably like old home week.

So I've been lying around with my leg on a pillow for a few days-but it didn't stop me from going to Claire's on Sunday. And, for anyone who has been dumped by fax, tossed away by Twitter, f***ed over by Facebook, or text, or email, or phone message...here is my guide to getting even 101.

I rang Debbie and Sara on my way to Claire's on Friday, and Debbie met me there. Sara rang her divorce lawyer, called in some favors (she works for a law firm), and got an appointment for Friday afternoon. Perfect. When the three of us were present and accounted for, we called a locksmith and had the locks changed. That is step number 1: change the locks. He left. Tough luck. He can get his stuff from Claire's lawyer. Before we got there, Claire had called her brother Kevin, who works for a construction company in South London. He was on his way-and Kevin is not someone you want to mess with, because his forearm is the size of my thigh (maybe both my thighs). He was going to stay with Claire until the whole thing was over, just to make certain she would be safe from Geoff.

Sara was going to come by and pick up Claire and take her to see the divorce lawyer (and make sure she didn't chicken out, because Claire kept saying well, maybe he'll come back. Duh-he gave her a black eye, why would she want him back??). So Debbie and I made a list of things we needed to do. 

When the locksmith had changed the locks, Deb and Claire took a trip to the bank (step 2). Claire emptied her accounts-and closed them-and emptied the joint account. Geoff had already helped himself to most of it, as we discovered later. Claire then opened an account at another bank, and had all information sent to her brother.

Step 3 is really important. Now, I know that people fall out of love, and split, and all that-but after a ten year marriage, notice of divorce by fax? That sucks, and anyone who does that is a gutless, spineless coward and deserves whatever he gets (except, maybe, having the crap beaten out of him. Maybe. Then again, maybe not). And it occurred to me that we had all been neighbors who had met in Yoga class in 2009, and only got together for July 4th. Call it an Independence Day group, if you will. If this had happened one week before (or after), Debbie, Sara and I wouldn't have known anything about it. I felt rather good to be able to help someone who really, really needed help. We all did.

So, step 3 is to get the goods on the perpetrator. I asked Claire when she and Deb got back if she had any financial information about Geoff's dealings,since he fancied himself an art dealer when he wasn't doing his day job. She said that all the information is in his office (second bedroom), and he keeps it locked. Ah-a little OCD, or something to hide, I wondered? 

Did I mention that Debbie's hobby is kickboxing? Well, bang, one kick and that was the end of the lock-and we knew that Kevin could fix the door (we hoped, anyway). Geoff's computer was sitting on the desk-which was locked, as were a few filing cabinets. Huh-it's amazing what you can do with a good screwdriver, a Stanley knife-and a power drill. I did those-felt great, too-possibly not for the desk and cabinets, but who cared?

We found bank and credit card statements, jewelry, bonds, and-a small book that was taped to a desk drawer. Geoff had made a note of all his passwords and pin numbers. And we were home free. Everything on his computer was copied onto a flash drive, and drive and files (which we copied) were messengered to the lawyer, who called later and said she was hiring a forensic accountant to examine all the financial information. Geoff was, as they say, hoist by his own petard.

IF he had been honorable and had told Claire to her face, perhaps things would have been different. But he also hit her-and that was inexcusable. So nobody was really feeling sorry for him. 

We also found an envelope filled with cash taped to another desk drawer. That was earmarked for the messenger, the locksmith-and a very nice dinner for all of us. Cheers, Geoff, you toe-rag. The gloves are off and you won't know what hit you, we said over a glass of wine. Geoff also considered himself a wine "expert", and bought several bottles of expensive wine-one of which we drank there and then. 

Step 4-feel no pity. And feel no guilt. And take no prisoners. 

We had a really nice (and expensive) meal after Kevin joined us. And we discussed what was going to be done on Saturday, when I was going to Hampstead to rupture myself. 

Step 5-bag and tag. While I was doing the race, everyone was packing up Geoff's things. All of them: clothes, anything Claire didn't want (like books, CDs, etc), went into black bags and were put in Kevin's van, which he then parked several blocks away (so Geoff wouldn't see it).

Step 6-scan the fax and put that and any photos of Claire with bruises and a black eye on Geoff's facebook page-and Claire's. Email the same to everyone in Claire's address book-and his, and email the fax and photos to his work colleagues. I said, dignity looks good in court, so don't slag him off, just post everything and say-if you must-so glad to see the back of him after years of abuse. And that is it, nothing more.

Step 7-delete the facebook account (without reading any abuse from his friends), change the landline number, change the mobile number-and only give the number out to really good friends, family and anyone who needs it. Don't give the number to anyone who might consider giving it to him-because you know he will ask. Screw him (or, rather, let someone else do that).

He didn't give her his new address or phone number, so-step 8 is have the divorce papers served to him at his office. Step 9-ask the police to go to his office (show them the photographs) and tell him that he is to stay away from you. Police are pretty useless, but Claire laid it on thick, and they went to his office and told him to stay away from her. He was screaming, I heard...oh well, if he gives himself a heart attack she won't have to give him a penny. 

So there you have it. And that is what you do to someone who treats you like something they stepped in. 

A week later and Claire told me that Geoff tried to come back-and she told him where he could go. He demanded his clothes, and his wine, and all his belongings-she said he could find them in the charity shop. And she took all the wine and divided it among all of us. Sadly, though, Claire has decided to return to Dublin when this is all over. Sara comes from Ireland, too, and wants to go back. All their friends and family are still over there. And Debbie-her mother isn't well, so she is returning to Australia.

So that leaves me. Next year I will be setting off fireworks on my own-unless I can find another lookout. Maybe the gorilla will be free that night.