The definition of insanity

There are so many sayings going around-and this one has been doing the rounds for as long as I can remember. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing in the same way and doing it over and over again, and expecting different results. Yeah, sure. How naff is that? Speaking of naffness, the king of naff sayings has to be "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". Scuse me? When life hands you lemons, grab the salt, a bottle of tequila, a large glass, and knock yourself out. Screw the lemonade.

Of course, I bring this up for a reason. I don't go for the insanity bit. To me, it's obstinacy. Persistence. Tenacity. Bloody-mindedness. And, possibly, futility. And when I went to Queen Square for my balance physiotherapy assessment nearly two weeks ago, I was given some of the very same exercises I was doing five years ago. Same old, same old. Doing the same thing, etc, etc.

The interesting thing is that I stopped doing these three years ago, thinking that I had come as far as I could-and besides, I was bored rigid. So out went looking up, looking down, looking from side to side, standing on one leg, standing on the other leg...you get the picture. And I have regressed somewhat, because some of these are more difficult than I remember. Try standing on one leg, then the other-then do it with your eyes closed. Then, if and when it is that easy, stand on a wobble board. That is the ultimate aim of Tom, the balance physiotherapist: to have me standing on a wobble board-with my eyes closed. Oh joy. And he is giving me six months of physio- that's it, six months of rehabilitation. I have my next session in six weeks. We then will figure out where to go from there. I asked him to make it tough. He heard me. I would, of course, prefer not to fall off a wobble board and knock myself unconscious...

So I did the physio assessment, I'm doing the exercises, I've been all over the place, seeing all the docs and being a good little patient. Now I have to wait until next Monday for my ultrasound, to finally discover what is causing this lump in my side. I can't stress about it any more-that just makes it hurt more.

I went to AgeUK's joke of a fundraising committee meeting last week. I also had tea with my neighbor, now 79 years old - and I told her that I was doing everything I could to help her, but it didn't seem to do much good. At the meeting - there was a lot of waffling about fundraising, and what people are doing, and why they are going to wait to take action until the new CEO takes over in April. So I, of course, opened my mouth. I so don't like posturing and bullshit. So I said this man is not going to part the Red Sea, you know (already been done), and he is not the Second Coming. What if he is no good??

Well, the acting chairperson just about jumped me. She said that I have no idea how stringent the selection process was, and of course he will be perfect for the job. And I said-perhaps he was great in the interviews, but he could prove to be a damp squib. And everyone is holding on, rather than doing anything that looks like constructive action. I got told off, and for the rest of the meeting nobody would talk to me. When I left, I said goodbye (I may be a "political activist", as they called me, but at least I am a polite one). I was ignored.

Now I feel like just leaving them to it. I don't know if I will receive the minutes, or if I will even be invited to the next meeting. And, frankly, I don't really care. I tried to help them, but they don't want my help. Or my opinion. And it's the same with church. I stand up and tell everyone that saving services for older people is really important (since one day we will-hopefully-all be old), but nobody is interested.

I've had to rethink my commitments - remember I did say a few weeks ago that I should never volunteer for anything! And I have now learned my lesson. Twice.

What is most important at this point in my life is not changing the world, because it is not likely to happen (certainly not the way I have been working at it). What is important is working to improve my balance as much as I can, so I will increase the exercises and keep going to the gym. And what is also important is a lot of attitude adjustment. I had my pity party, my few days (okay, weeks) of doing nothing except wallowing in self pity. But all that accomplished was to set me back. A lot.

And now I am going to walk. A lot. And hope that Firefox won't freeze before I post this. Boy, do I want a bag of Kettle Chips!!