The road to Hell and all that jazz

Yes, I guess the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions.

I was going to happily tell you that the kitchen is more or less finished-Richard, the handyman, put up the rest of the shelves, and although Mulalley's work is absolute crap (after nearly 12 months, the work should be good enough for a magazine cover. As if!), nothing has fallen off the walls. So far, so good.

I went along to the gastro consultant on Monday-Sean wasn't in clinic, so Philip, another specialist who has been there forever, examined me. He is ordering an ultrasound-as soon as it can be arranged. He doesn't know what is behind the pain-but he was very reassuring. The lump is a mystery lump. Trust me to get the weirdest stuff imaginable! At least it's entertaining-well, not for me, but for some.

I also went along to a meeting of AgeUK. By now I have realized that I made a really big mistake-HUGE, in fact-by volunteering to do something to help my 78 year old friend keep the services she's going to lose in six months' time. AgeUK's fundraising group seems to be filled with old fossils who really can't -or won't- get that they need to do more than just sit around and "brainstorm". I hope I never get that set in my ways, that intransigent, when I get to their age. In fact, I hope I get to their age!! And I hope I never need the services that are going to be discontinued.

I've learned the hard way-I always seem to learn the hard way!!- that my mother's advice was very sound: never volunteer for anything. It's really annoying and frustrating to see people who persist in standing in their own way because they refuse to move into the 21st century. Well, duh!!

I start balance physiotherapy at Queen Square next week. I haven't been to the gym since the cancer surgery, so that will be very interesting (and probably painful). But this is a good thing: it gets me out of the house, and it makes me accountable to someone else. I need that accountability. Why? Well...

Yesterday I did something I have never done: I got up early, did what I had to do, and went back to bed. Until 1pm. I never do that, I am always up at the crack of 5am. I have been one of those irritating people who gets up really early and is ready to get out and do whatever. It's not so great for the workmates who limp into work at 9am and don't want to talk to anyone until the seventh cup of coffee. But I really didn't want to get up. I forced myself, and then I forced myself to get outside and walk for 45 minutes. It was a good thing, because I could feel myself slipping back into the very dizzy mode. If I don't get up and out every day - religiously- I'm not working at training my brain to find more balance. Simple: no work, no improvement. Scary.

Today I am okay. I thought yesterday that I was suffering from depression-why else would I be so unwilling to get out of bed until the afternoon? Perhaps it was depression, perhaps it was due to the fact that I have had very little sleep since this pain began three weeks ago. Whatever. Today I have begun to bounce back.

I'm beginning to avoid all people who are negative and who sap my energy by constantly complaining. I call them "energy vampires"-and I have to admit I have been there, and have done it myself. I sometimes still whinge-but I try to balance it with something positive. I will still fire pot-shots, though. It's justified. And it's fun. It keeps me amused. And it keeps me motivated.

There is a general election looming, and all the candidates are making promises they have no intention of keeping. I'm amazed at the stupidity of people around me, people who actually believe what they are being promised. Believe me when I say that the pot-shots will increase over the next two months-for your amusement as much as for my own. Reminds me of the Presidential elections: all the total bullshit but with a lot less money spent.

So that is it for now. I'm off to walk. And I'm off to Starbuck's. I hope someone recognizes this absolutely shameless and unsolicited plug for their coffee!!