Just When You Think You're Safe....you get a nasty surprise

The black dog left as suddenly as he had arrived. I felt better on Monday evening, for no apparent reason. The dog probably went to bite someone else on the ass. Never mind: he was gone.Ish.

Yesterday I went along to Boots Opticians. Boots is a major pharmacy chain, now also in various US states-and the company has fingers in various pies, including opticians. Three years ago, I went for an eye exam-and discovered that I needed glasses. Ah, one of the joys of middle age: grey hair (my hair has been grey since I was in my twenties. I always colored it, though), lines and wrinkles, liver spots, cellulite, wobbly bits in danger of heading dangerously toward the floor-and, of course, CRS (can't remember shit, for those of you who can't remember shit). And your arms suddenly aren't long enough-or your nose isn't short enough-so you need a bit of optical help. Hence: Boots Opticians.

This is all a long winded way of saying that I had my eye exam-and what a disaster that was. Mrs. Chernick, who has been at this particular branch since-probably since the place was built-wanted my medical history, then wanted to know if I am contagious (no, I said, CVID isn't contagious. Dummy - I wanted to add, she's got all this in her notes from last time). Then she couldn't get the prescription right, the photos of the eyes were blank (oh, my-don't I have eyes? Shocker), and she was twitching and scurrying around, because to put everything right would have taken more time than she was prepared to spend. I paid for all this, too, which was very annoying. So she showed me the door, practically pushed me through it, and said she was going to write to my GP and have me referred to a specialist. And that was that.

Well-duh-I walked home, in the rain, and I stopped and began to cry. Of course, I felt like a total ass, crying in the street, but I was so upset it was unbelievable. Everything just suddenly got to me at that moment, and it all began with Mrs. Chernick, who wasn't terribly nice about the whole thing. I found myself wishing that someone would just run me over and put me out of my misery - how very unlike me! I cried myself back home, got inside, locked the door, and just sat (cold, wet from the rain, and highly pissed off, by the way), and cried, and had a first class pity party. If I was a drinker, I would have been completely plastered. But no, I just cried until I bored myself, and thought about what I had wished: to just quit, to give up, to stop all the treatments, sell everything (not that I have anything worth selling), and just go somewhere, anywhere, and live for as long as I could-which wouldn't be long, if I stopped the immunoglobulin and the antibiotics. So I decided: stop being such a jerk.

I haven't gone through so much just to quit now. I can be such a drama queen! I sat. For the entire day. And I decided that I wasn't going to let the likes of Mrs. Chernick to dictate the way I felt about myself and my life. If I quit now, everything I have been through will have been for nothing. That isn't the way I want to go out: a quitter. And things, I decided, will get better. This was just a glitch.

Now I realize something really important: I have to be very careful about disclosing anything about my health, unless it's to doctors, people who have a say in my medical treatment. Chernick almost had apoplexy, even though it was all right there in her notes from three years ago. Obviously she was worried that I have HIV- and nothing could be further from the truth. I try to be open about CVID, because it is hereditary, and not contagious (anyone can only develop it if I give birth to them. God forbid). But there is absolutely no point in saying anything to anyone unless there is a good reason to do so. And-it's sad, really, that there is such a prejudice against a condition that is caused by defective genes. But hey-this is the UK, and most people think that genes are the things you wear: like Levis. Can't really argue with stupidity and ignorance, can you?

Do I feel better after yesterday's upset? Yes-one day spent being upset at someone's ignorance is one day more than that person deserves. Am I going to keep schtum from now on? Huh-is the Pope Catholic? (that's a definite yes)