Resurrections R Us

Yep-still alive, although I feel like somebody hung ME on the cross this week. What a week! No wonder I didn't feel like blogging. Or doing anything except hiding.

On Friday evening I went along to a Passover Seder at the Unitarian Church. That is what I said: a Passover Seder at church. Go figure! It was interesting. There were 32 of us, and a mixture of Christians, Jews, Pagans, atheists, and everything you could imagine. Andy ran it...and said that it is a holiday to celebrate the liberation of the oppressed from slavery, so it has relevance to everyone. AND-it was more secular than religious. Some of the attendees came every year. Apparently, the big holidays (everyone's) are celebrated, and I thought that was more than cool.

I felt really tired on Saturday, and realized that I hadn't been to the gym, or done anything of note-which got me very down. Plus, it is still bitter cold outside (Happy Spring), so that didn't help the balance, which made me feel even more frustrated and upset. I ended up watching television. How very unexciting.

I really, really, really had to force myself to get up and out on Easter Sunday. I decided that I was going to church, even though I didn't feel like it-and it isn't like the Baptist church, where you are sniffed at and judged if you miss a week. You show up when you show up (at the Unitarian Church), and you are always welcome. And I forced myself to get out of the house-knowing that if I didn't go somewhere, I would just sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

The sermon was on resurrection-not only Christ's resurrection, but everyone's resurrection. Andy did talk about Christ, and the importance of his teachings on the world-but he also spoke about life changes: marriages, divorce, death, the sudden devastating impact of health disasters (and he looked straight at me when he mentioned that, so I was glad I was not only awake, but also listening!!). I got the point. Did I ever!! And afterwards, at the coffee hour, Andy wished me a happy resurrection. Cheeky, wasn't he?

I spent Monday and yesterday at home, sleeping much of the time (noisy prat upstairs kept me awake), but also feeling very, very low. I couldn't figure out why, since the resurrection sermon really got to me...and I wish I had a copy of it so I could read it every time I felt frustrated with the speed (or lack thereof) of anything resembling recovery.

Well. The short version is: every April I am very depressed, and I realized last night that April was when I walked out on my marriage (after so many years of misery, I surprised myself by actually leaving) and ran off back home, only to return two years later-in April. The first two days of April hold really bad memories-so I cope (badly) by hibernating and doing nothing, waiting for the two days and the crappy mood to pass.

It took all my strength and resolve to actually leave the house this morning and get over here to the library to get online. It probably sounds lame, but I knew I had to take some sort of action to get myself back on track-so I dragged myself up - and here I am. I still feel crappy-but I also know very well that the longer I stay in bed, and the longer I remain inactive, the longer it will take to get any more than 50% of balance back-because that is the way the brain works. No challenges-even for a day-or even for half a day-and the brain reverts back to before, and no neural pathways are created. I can feel the difference-even after two days of inactivity.

I have to frighten myself into action-if I don't do that, I will be this way forever-and I really will feel like a cripple. So-onward, upward, forward-and sometimes on my face!-I go. I can decide to be miserable next April-or I can decide that enough is more than enough, and no more of my valuable time-not to mention my valuable life-will be spent on ruminating on the past. It was shitty enough without my constantly dwelling on it. So resurrection is a good idea, I believe. Attitude is everything.

By the way, at the Seder dinner there were matzo balls-they were like lead torpedoes, and I think they might still be in my stomach! But they were delicious. Thanks to the internet, I have a recipe. There might be a lot of swearing, but I am going to try to make a batch. Wish me luck that I don't poison myself! LOL-they were almost as good as Kettle Chips (okay, I will leave the Kettle Chips alone for awhile).

If we are able to talk ourselves into suffering-we must also be able to talk ourselves out of it. Time to walk. Time to kick some serious ass.