How to build an ark

Three weeks without posting on my blog. I've set a record-and not in a good way, either!!

And where have I been? Well-it's been raining. And raining. And raining. And, as much as I used to like the rain (I live in England, so I'd better like rain!!), it hasn't been my friend since 2010. When it rains, I fall over. And I don't see very well. So, I very nearly fell in front of a bus a couple of times. That was scary; I would have come to a very sticky end (literally), and someone would have had the unfortunate job of scraping me off the road with a spatula. Moving buses? There is no way to win that fight.

So I lay low, and I only went out when I had to-which was nearly every day, because during October all I did was see consultants, and physiotherapists-what a very boring month! And a wet one, too. I rang my nurse to ask him to google building an ark-because it was beginning to look like that was the way to go. And, wouldn't you know it, there are pages of instructions on how to build an ark? There are also many arguments about how long it took Noah to build his, and who helped him...the usual ridiculousness. But ark-building? There it was. I had to laugh. My nurse thought I was nuts. Whatever.

I did take myself to Starbucks (where else?) to get a coffee. It stopped raining (this morning) long enough for me to do that. And I sat there and had to listen to these two plonkers having a discussion at top volume (they clearly thought they were the only ones in the café). I looked at them and I thought to myself: Guardian readers. They must be Guardian readers. And I'll bet they don't work, either-so they are unemployed Guardian readers.

The Guardian is a very right-wing tabloid-well, a half a step up from a tabloid, since whoever writes their drivel actually uses words of more than one syllable (two syllables. More than that would cause such a strain their eyes would bleed).Those who "write" (for want of a better word) just spew bile everywhere. Like the tabloids (the Mail, the Express, the Mirror, the Sun, and all those whose value only extends as far as house training your pet), the Guardian takes itself very seriously. Sadly, so do its readers!!

These two are having this discussion (Guardian readers. God forbid they call anything what it really is: an argument!). They then proceeded to wave the paper around, pointing to it so we all could see that it was-the Guardian! What a shock that wasn't. And they started having a debate about Jews (they hate Jews), and blacks (ditto), and Asians-they hate just about everyone. Then they started on the USA-which, according to their infinite wisdom (??), is responsible for every problem everywhere in the world. The NHS is imploding? Our fault. The world is coming to an end? Yep, clearly our fault.
Plagues, illiteracy in this country, poverty-must be us.

So finally I had enough. I got up, and walked near them, crutch in hand-and as I passed their table, I stopped and looked at them. In my absolute best fake local accent (not bad at times-especially this time), I said:" you have both positively confirmed a suspicion I've had for years. Actually, you proved it as absolute, concrete, unshakeable fact." Before they could ask what I was talking about, I then said: "You proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the plural of brain-dead ignoramus is- the BRITISH!".

Luckily (for me) two women with a load of little kiddies were coming in the door as I was leaving, so they didn't come after me. But I smiled as I left, and I can tell you, I felt quite smug. Not only that, I got home without nearly falling over-so I should tell people off more often-but only if they are smaller than me. These two were-about three times my size. Their fists on my face would not be a good look.

So that was my three week hiatus-and I finally gave in and ordered a new computer with a larger screen. No more hiding from rain and crappy weather, waiting for my eyes to clear.

And it is Halloween!! This is one holiday of ours that seems to have caught on. So, Happy Halloween. I've got too much to say to have no chance to say it (I know that's terrible grammar and syntax, but hey, I live in the UK. It's not as if anybody would know the difference!!).