When the black dog bites-bite back

That bloody dog! Just when I think I'm okay, everything is beginning to work out, I'm finally turning the corner after seven years of excruciating hell-bang! Something else happens. And it did, and that's why I haven't been online since the last time I wrote.

Oh, yeah-and I hope everyone had a happy Easter, ate lots of chocolate, bit the head off a chocolate bunny...and I stress "chocolate bunny"! I said that to someone before Easter, and she was clearly horrified. I had to repeat "CHOCOLATE BUNNY"-thinking that people do really hear what they want to hear, just as they remember things the way they want to remember them (even if those things have no relation to reality). Why would I expect anything more? They're idiots.

Well-back to depression. This one was a big one, and I had to sit and get through it-because I know exactly what triggered it. One of the implants might be leaking. And both implants are going to have to come out. More surgery. How delightful. Every time it looks like I'm finally free and clear, something else seems to crop up. And, because the NHS is in such a mess, I have to live with severe pain and wait for a surgery date. What a bugger.

Depression is very insidious. It hits you like a ton of shit with absolutely no warning. I've got a neighbor who had a liver transplant, and is doing very well, but told me that he has suffered with depression for most of his life. I asked him how he deals with it; he said that he just hides, withdraws, stays away from everyone as much as he can. He also takes antidepressants. Not for me, those. And I have spent over a week hiding out, and doing nothing, and I can tell you-it's boring. Just-boring.

Depression is like some people (you probably know quite a few): it sucks the joy out of everything. The world looks grey, people seem nastier than usual, the world news-well, when the dog bites, the best thing to do is ignore the news, it just makes things worse.

So this morning I dragged myself out of bed (practically kicking and screaming) and decided that enough is enough, I've fought very hard to survive, and I am not going to give in to such blackness. I was always positive, always trying to find a way through anything bad that happened (not only to me, but to my friends and family, too), always the person people came to for advice and for a laugh. My jokes might be terrible, but they always helped someone (usually me). These two weeks were tough.

What I find most interesting is that I have been through enough physical trauma, pain and suffering in these few years to enable me to change my perspective. Of course, I will still make fun of the Brits, because they deserve it-and they're idiots, so it's so easy to pick on sitting targets. Hey, I had a belly full of it for enough years that I feel entitled to now answer back. Most of them are too stupid to get it anyway.

My change in perspective concerns disabled people-whether they're physically or mentally disabled. Case in point: a few weeks ago when I witnessed firsthand someone screaming and having a total meltdown on a bus. That was scary-and I could have said something, but I chose to keep my mouth shut. Never argue with people who are clearly mentally unstable-unless you want to risk getting stabbed or beaten severely. And physically disabled people-I've seen people lurching down the road, staggering from side to side. I always thought they were drunk, or on drugs, and how could they do that so early in the morning...but when I first came out of the hospital after the gentamicin disaster, I couldn't walk at all. Then I had a physio who walked outside with me, keeping close in case I fell over (which I did very often. I still have bruises to prove it). I staggered, and lurched, and heard some very nasty (and very loud) comments from the general idiot population, and that was really very hurtful. Now I realize that these guys just might have a condition that causes loss of balance-a condition that has nothing to do with drugs or drink. I find that I am more tolerant.

Nobody really, really knows whether anyone else is suffering (unless they do it at top volume). So I cut people some slack and I keep my mouth shut. Besides-open your mouth here and you could easily end up in the hospital-or the morgue. It's no safer here than anywhere else.

So, that has been my time away, as it were. I looked at my calendar this morning and had the terrible realization that the first four months of this year are nearly gone-in a flash. And in mid-July I have my final assessment over at Queen Square, where I go through all the original balance tests to see how far I have progressed in seven years. So I've got to put my foot down and get moving.

Of course, this could all be rather pointless if that ignorant, self-serving, arrogant warmonger nukes Korea and starts a third world war. Then you can find me hiding under my desk-with a large cup of Starbucks in one hand and a bag of Kettle Chips in the other.