Hindsight is always 20/20

Funny how we all look back and think that if only we'd known what we know now, we wouldn't have done/said/not done...etc. Wouldn't our lives have been different. That's what I've been going through for more time than I want to think about: if I'd made different choices, done things differently, my life would be so different. That is what I mean by hindsight being 20/20: perfect vision when you look at your history. If you try to go back there-not so much.

I've been struggling since this last operation five weeks ago. It was a pig to get through, I'm still badly bruised and sore all the way across my chest, and I look mutilated. Even so, I'm not in as much pain as I was after the operation, so five weeks have made a big difference. Arnica and a heating pad have also made a big difference. I'm on the mend, but really seriously pissed off.

I think that we make the decisions and choices we make with the information we have at the time. When I decided to have reconstruction-mostly because I felt horribly mutilated after the mastectomy, and I didn't want to see myself as a "breast cancer survivor"-even though that is exactly what I am-I decided that reconstruction was the way to go. What an oops-I could have saved myself the torture and pain of three operations, and I'm still-well, flat...but at the time it seemed like a good decision. Ewww....now I advise people who ask me-and a lot of people ask me-to think very hard and to examine all the facts, do their due diligence, really, really consider if more surgery is what they want. Would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Aww, hell no-my mother didn't raise an idiot.

So here I am, on the mend, and I'm not looking to have any operation of any kind-ever. Hopefully I'll be well enough to keep to that decision.

I'm back doing Tai Chi, and I can finally raise my arms (both of them), so I'm able to do most things. I enjoy it, and it's a really good way to strengthen my muscles, all of which have headed south in a very big way in the last few months. Tai Chi is very deceptive: you might think it's very slow, and peaceful-but when you are holding a squat for what feels like forever, you discover that your muscles really have to work. Great stuff.

I also started vestibular physiotherapy this week. I'll have to work very hard-extra hard-to get back to where I was before all the surgery. My physio, Chris, is great. I told her I need to be accountable to someone or I'll be too lazy to do the work. So she gave me several sheets of exercises to do at least four times every day before I see her again in six weeks. Am I a glutton for punishment, or what?

Now-if your answer is yes, I'll feel really inadequate: can you stand with one foot in front of the other, toes of one foot (wearing shoes) touching the back of the other foot, for at least one minute (no cheating)? And then change feet and do the same thing? No falling over, no bracing yourself against a table, or a wall, or your dog, or your partner...well, I need to be able to do that by Christmas. Oh, really, seriously, I do. I also need to be able to balance on one leg while standing on a cushion. For one minute. Then change legs (if I haven't fallen over before then, that is).

This is going to be one hell of a challenge. But I've always been up for a challenge, so I'll just keep going, like the Energizer bunny, until I keel over. Oh, joy-well, I did ask for this. I'll let you know how I'm doing.

I'll be in New York just before Thanksgiving. This will be the first time home in five years. The last time I was on the tripod, I was so unwell that I could hardly walk-and jet-lagged as well. I think that it was too soon for me to make the trip. But this time, five years (technically nearly six years) have passed, and I've made huge improvements, even with all the setbacks from cancer, surgeries, etc, etc.

Another challenge, this time to my balance (such as it is) while experiencing the traveller's nightmare: jet lag.
I'm up for it. I'm not someone who can sit around and moan all the time. I might stand and moan, but I won't sit and moan.

Anything can happen to anyone at any time. I'm feeling the pressure of time...so off I go to do my Tai Chi walking and try not to topple over before I get to Starbucks.