Who am I? Where am I? Hint: not in London (hooray)

I'm suffering from severe jet lag, which I've had since Monday. It's nasty-makes you feel like life isn't worth living. And it goes on, and on, and on....


I'm in New York. I flew out on Monday morning-Delta Airlines, the ones with great service who never seem to crash (fingers crossed that I haven't just jinxed myself!!).


I'm not afraid of flying. I'm afraid of crashing.


The flight to New York was full-and I was lucky to find that the person sitting next to me was about my size, so I didn't have to squash myself into a corner (like everyone does who travels with the odious Ryanair). I was also lucky that the woman sat down, said nothing, and didn't talk for nearly eight hours. Who feels like socializing for eight hours on a plane, next to a perfect stranger, when all you want to do is catch up on the sleep you didn't get the night before?


However-and there is always a however-I sat behind two Eastern Europeans, two big guys, who didn't speak English-and that would have been fine, even them going to the loo every twenty minutes would have been fine (bad guts, maybe). What wasn't fine was that they farted all the way across the Atlantic. And they stank to high heaven; it smelled like some rats crawled up their backsides and died.


The downside of flying and being stuck on a plane for any length of time is that you breathe in everyone else's air. Recycled farts. How lovely.


Apart from the farters it was a good journey. We didn't crash, nobody died, and we got to JFK right on time-although there was some turbulence on the descent and it was a bit of a bone breaking landing...


There is a new system now-no more paper customs forms, but kiosks where you have to input your data, scan your passport, and look at a camera, which takes your photo and matches it with your passport photo.How cool is that!


I was going off to catch the little shuttle bus to the hotel, and couldn't help but notice a huge police presence-police with very serious weapons. Of course, me with my big mouth and curious nature-I went up to them and asked if they were expecting trouble. They looked at me and my elbow crutch, and probably decided that I wasn't a problem-and said that they are simply protecting the public and keeping a very visible presence. I wish they would do that at Heathrow-but they would probably end up shooting themselves in the foot.


I said that jet lag makes life not worth living-ah, well, I am still on UK time, although it isn't as bad as it was on Monday and Tuesday. And Wednesday. and yesterday. Ugh-I keep waking up at 2am, and feeling like it is really five hours later. I finally gave in on Wednesday and went only for a very long walk, then came back to the hotel and had to lie down for a few hours. Wednesday was my do-nothing day. I couldn't even face going onto the computer, because my eyes just don't want to focus, and there is a lot of swearing and gnashing of teeth, I can tell you.


Anyone who really, truly finds a cure for jet lag will make a fortune. Although there is a cure: don't go anywhere. If you don't fly long distances...well, but that just sucks the fun out of life,doesn't it?


My friend came to the hotel on Monday night (after work) and brought a load of Popeyes. She likes her Popeyes-which is like KFC but without the food poisoning.


It was Popeyes fried chicken, french fries, Coke-and it was around 7pm, so it was midnight to my stomach. But I'll tell you something: I never eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, or McDonalds, or any of that fast food stuff. But this chicken was battered, deep fried (so were the fries), and reallly good. With every bite I could feel my arteries harden and my hips expand. Yum. Delicious. Probably because I only had airline food all day...


I've been stuffing my face all week. Breakfast is included, and there are bagels (I think I've satisfied all my bagel needs in four days), eggs, bacon, veggie sausages-oh, you name it and it's probably on the menu. And I'm the person who has only a banana and a cup of tea or coffee when I'm in London-but these breakfasts set me up for the whole day.


My friend (DJ) and I went out every day except Wednesday, and we shopped. And ate. And shopped. And ate. And shopped some more. It was great, but now I'm knackered. But is that stopping me from going into Manhattan today? Of course not. I'll be taking some photos at the request of a friend back in the UK, and I'll be going to the Museum of Modern Art, one of my favorite places in New York. And eating. What the heck, you only live once.


And once might just be enough. Maybe. Perhaps. I'll keep you posted, now that my eyes are working...