About that turkey

 Whoever thought that I would be blogging on the morning of Christmas Eve? Actually-I did. I went to Marks & Spencer to get a turkey. It was only a few days ago, so I didn't get caught in the crush of people waiting until the last minute to decide that they really should go and buy food for Christmas. 

That was yesterday. There were so many people, you'd think that there was a famine. Everyone was crushing everyone else, tempers were flaring, one woman was shouting that there wasn't a single chicken in the supermarket-and there was nearly a fist fight. So I left, obviously. I couldn't help but wonder what they were going to start throwing at each other.

When I looked the other day, I saw that a small turkey-and I mean "small": a little over 1kg (about two pounds) cost £50. That's £50!! So I decided that the chicken I have in the freezer will do very nicely. I'll do what I did at Thanksgiving: wave my hand over it and pronounce it a turkey.

The reason I actually risked my life and limb yesterday to go to the supermarket was to buy batteries for my clock. My clock will have to wait until Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Easter.

I didn't get near enough yesterday to see anything I would have wanted. But the other day, it was early morning and I saw a lot of frozen turkeys. Hmmm...

Now frozen turkeys: how long have they been frozen? Since before the onset of the avian flu? I hope? Are they old enough to cause freezer burn? 

It occurred to me that a frozen turkey would make the perfect weapon. Anyone upsets you or winds you up, just turn around and whack them in the head. And when they go down (come on, it's a frozen turkey. Do keep up. Then when they're down, hit them again and tell them to stay down. A few smacks in the head with a frozen turkey, and someone will decide to behave. Or call an ambulance. Whatever.

Imagine having to go to court because you hit some deserving person with a frozen turkey. And the judge asks you to explain. You say that it was an accident, because the turkey was frozen and, therefore, slippery. How many times was it slippery? Three? No, the last time you aimed, you missed.

The judge asks what you did with the turkey. You reply that you cooked it and ate it?

You ate the turkey? asks the judge. And you turn and look at the judge very sternly and reply: Of course we ate it. Have you seen the price of turkeys?

So, on that note, let me wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Like I said last time, calories don't count (yeah, right!). Enjoy, don't let anyone upset you (like  I do the other 364 days of the year), and, if in doubt, go out and buy a frozen turkey.