Seeker? Finder? Lurker?

It has been one of those weeks-and I'm glad it's nearly Friday, because I want to write this one off.

I've had a lot of balance-shall we say, challenges??-this week, and my eyesight has been giving me a lot of grief. At least I know the reason for that: and next Wednesday I should have my eyeglasses, which I have to wear all the time. I will look like a headmistress. All I will need is a whip.

The weekend was okay. I challenged myself to walk a lot-I didn't go to the gym, but I walked. And I walked. And I walked. I found myself feeling a bit guilty for not going to church on Sunday. I put this down to the brainwashing of my youth: I sang in the church choir for so many years, but I didn't take any of the sermons on board. Really-if you are religious, ignore this bit-but I thought it was all a load of crap. I will probably burn in Hell-but hey, so will the majority of the rest of the world, since Christianity is only in the minority.

This all started last week, when I walked around the corner and there was one of the pillars of the Baptist Church-someone I truly wanted to avoid. Oh, we miss you at church, she said. Oh, sure you do: another one of the sheep, I guess. So I said I would go back as soon as I have the time. Oh, the implied displeasure!! I am one of the flock who escaped: an escapee, a heathen. Yep-so sue me. I've never been good at doing what I was told-especially when someone engenders guilt (or tries to. I'm at the age now where I don't fall for that!!).

Nobody has the right to tell us what to do, how to feel, or any of that-unless they are paying our bills, we don't need other people to tell us how to live our lives. Do we?

I spoke with someone in my meditation group on Monday. A few of us from the old mindfulness workshop meet every month to meditate, and generally catch up. Mostly, we meditate, and keep things general, not personal, so nobody feels like they have to divulge any personal information. It works well-although on Monday evening things did get a bit personal. One of the women was in a very deep depression, and was looking for a way out of it. I felt so badly for her. I wanted to help-to provide some comfort, to perhaps give a road map she could follow. I mentioned the gentamicin atrocity, although I was able to just talk a bit about it without any heat behind my words-so I have come a long way, working with the anger and betrayal.

I think I have been seeking a way around (or through) the anger I have felt over the last two years and seven months. And this woman's depression started me ruminating (I am so terrific at ruminating!!). I think the mindfulness aspect of just noticing how you feel, and where in the body you feel it, helps. I do think that the "live in the present, not the past or future" idea is a great idea-but here in the West it isn't so easy to accomplish. Like every other change in perception and consciousness, this all takes work, and it also takes time. One thing I learned from the experiences of the last two years and seven months: everything takes time. And healing happens in its own time, not ours. Grrrr!!! Not a pleasant truth-but a truth nevertheless.

Tomorrow is International Women's Day, and there are all kinds of events happening in London. I've decided to return to the gym (after two weeks of doing nothing. Boo hiss!!), and then go out and see what is going on. When we were talking on Monday about what we do during the day (a mindfulness exercise), I discovered (to my absolute shame) that unless I go to the hospital for some test or another, I do absolutely nothing. Eeek-this is my only life, and I am wasting it. I am totally wasting it. How saddening.

Yesterday I had to go to the Royal London to see Matt, my consultant. I had a few sleepless nights, wondering what I would say-since he lost his temper when I was an inpatient and threatened to discharge me into the community (and all because he trusts the crippler, and I do not). I was polite, and I said nothing controversial. Neither of us really knew what to say...but we both got through it, and I must admit I was rather proud of myself for keeping schtum. I am certainly not known for keeping schtum!!!! But all the faith and trust I had in him as a medical professional disappeared when he yelled at me for daring to criticize Grigoriadou. And that faith and trust will never return.

That is another thing I need to find a way around: the total loss of faith and trust in anyone at Barts and the London-in fact,the loss of faith and trust in the medical profession in this country.

Perhaps Talia (the optician) is right: I have a moral obligation to make this public. I really don't want anyone else to go through what I have been through since 2010. I'm less worried about going public than I am worried that nobody will be interested!!