Hindsight is always 20/20

Another quote that was passed down from my grandfather-one that has helped me over the last 76 weeks: hindsight is always 20/20. It is so easy to see what we could have/should have/might have done-not so easy to see it at the time, though.

I suppose this is an alternative to all the "if only" thoughts we have when something goes radically wrong. I always dismissed it as a child-but now I think that my grandfather was right. If only I had acted more strongly when I knew I was having a reaction to the gentamicin, instead of being such a wimp (although I was so ill at the time, I couldn't really do anything except shout. I should have jumped up and down-preferably on Phil Bright's head). If only I had walked out on my husband after I saw clearly what a bully he was, instead of waiting so many years to tell him to shove it. If only I had followed my solicitor's advice and fought for a fair share, instead of telling him to just get me out of the marriage-even though I walked away with nothing.

I've decided to stop calling the gentamicin disaster by any other name except "the event". Everything else just keeps me stuck in anger and bitterness, and these are such toxic emotions that I feel robbed of any joy in living. Toxic emotions lead to depression, unhappiness, and, ultimately, physical diseases like cancer. Who needs that? The people who are responsible don't give a monkey's-so why allow them to run my life any longer than I have done already? It's the "event". And, 76 weeks later, I can't change anything that happened. I can only change my attitude toward it, and resolve to start living again, and create a good life for myself: free of anger, hatred, bitterness, and all the other negative (and toxic) emotions I have been carrying around for nearly 18 months. All that unhealthy stuff won't change anything. Sod the "if onlys"-they never make life better.

I received a call from my closest and dearest friend (of nearly 20 years) at 5:50 this morning (12:50am her time). I was surprised, to say the least, because I usually call her in the evening (my time). She is keeping up with my posts, and wanted to encourage and support me. I'm so lucky to have such a good friend! We have been there (or, rather, here) for each other through thick and thin (a lot of thin for both of us, too). I feel happier now-and she reminded me that this could be the path I am supposed to take: to get my story out, because someone, somewhere will get something positive out of my experiences. Maybe my life isn't such a train wreck after all.

The trick is to stay positive, and to be grateful for everything, even the piles of crap. Er..that is much easier said than done!! If I could go back and change it all, would I? Are you kidding??