Rats

It has taken me nearly 76 weeks - and I am now having to accept that my life has changed forever. Believe me when I say that it is hard as hell, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But-for my own sanity, and the ability to create some kind of life for myself, I am telling myself that I need to accept this thing that I cannot change. It happened. Tough s**t. Like my friend says, bad things happen to good people!

I have a recurrent nightmare, though. I dream that I will end my life being sick, broke, old and alone. Well-some of that has already happened-sadly. Last night I slept badly (as I do every night). I broke out into a sweat and I started to weep. Depression hits just when I least expect it. Depression is that insidious black dog that is always with me-always. Sometimes I can look at something beautiful: a sunset, a lovely flower, a beautiful baby, a dog...and I thank my lucky stars that I can see (not very clearly, but I can still see!!),and walk, and appreciate the world around me. Other times, I feel despondent, and I deal with this by withdrawing, hiding at home, feeling miserable and alone. I fight it. I do fight it. Nobody ever said that life has to be easy.

This is where my friends come in. Honestly, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. I don't do facebook, or any of those social networking sites-who needs to count a thousand "friends", when only one or two are really there when you need them? I've got three-three people who have known me for years, and who have been with me through thick and thin. And there has been an awful lot of thin, I can tell you!!
But I won't abuse my friendships by constantly complaining-if I do that, I won't have any friends at all.

I recall a story someone told me a very long time ago. It's about rats. When a rat is cornered, when it is trapped, it starts to rock from side to side. That is the signal that it is about to attack. I don't have anyone (or anything) to attack- but I can feel myself starting to rock.

I really need to get out and start living, in spite of the idiots who practically knock me over and then turn and swear at me. I cannot be afraid any longer-fear makes the balance worse. And fear cripples the spirit.

A good friend of mine emailed me the other day-and reminded me that anything is possible. The jury is out on that, too. I could get shoved in front of a bus tomorrow. Anything can happen-at any time. So I need to buck up and get out there, because I'm allowing fear to run my life-run it and ruin it. If I don't start living every day as if it could be my last day-well, it just might be. Or, it might as well be.