72 Weeks and a brand new year

It's New Year's Day...2012...a brand new year. I'm looking at my life over the last 72 weeks, and I am deeply saddened by what has happened - but - I have decided that I have to be more positive about life! Huh??
I took a long walk this morning, and I thought about all my friends - the real, true ones, the ones who not only encouraged me, but also had a go at me when I became depressed, anxious, despondent, on the verge of giving up. Those friends!!!!

I'm really lucky, when I think about it all objectively (and I haven't been very objective of late, I can tell you!). I'm not disfigured, I'm not blind, I haven't lost any limbs, I'm not confined to a wheelchair - I've got no terminal diseases...the list can go on and on, if I think about it. I suppose people who are worse off than I would just sniff and tell me off, tell me that what I have is minor (in the scheme of things). Perhaps so; I don't feel any better, though. I'm never grateful for other people's misfortunes, and I don't look at anyone else and think "there but for the grace of God"...these 18 months have been as traumatic and awful for me as worse things are for other people. It is all relative, isn't it?

I know that the loss of vestibular function is both total and permanent. And I have a choice-probably the same choice as those people I mentioned in this (and my previous) posts: I can be bitter, and angry, say "why me?" (there is no answer to that one, except "why not me?"), or I can roll over, stick my legs in the air, and just quit. Huh. I have been lazy, I have been a world class procrastinator, but the one thing I am NOT is a quitter!!

Now I have to look at my life and adjust it to include the things I CAN do! By "adjusting" I mean, really, "accepting". I won't be able to ride a bicycle, or pilot a hot air balloon, or balance on a wobbleboard at the gym. So what? Okay, I need someone to come with me if I want to go out when it's dark, because my eyes don't focus in the dark, my balance is non-existent, and I don't really want to fall over in front of a moving bus. That would be decidedly unfortunate-and very painful, too! I need someone else to drive (the way people in this country drive, I could close one eye and do a better job than 99% of them!!! In fact, when I couldn't stand up at all, I was probably a better driver than 99% of them!!).

I have to be very careful around the house, because I still will suddenly turn my head and fall over. Even my bruises have bruises. And if I turn around suddenly, I can walk into a wall. Ouch. Very unpleasant. Just ask my face. I'm not as bad as I was last year-or even six months ago. When I would leave the house, I would look as if someone beat me up before I left. I'm sure the neighbors all thought that I was living with an abuser!!! Of course, I staggered badly, too, so they probably thought I was either an alcoholic-or on drugs. Or both. It took more than a year for me to finally admit that I couldn't give a monkey's what people think.

I have to walk. I have to turn my head. I have to do all the exercises the vestibular physiotherapist gave me, and I have to do them religiously. No fooling around there!!! If I don't do the work, I don't get whatever balance and vision I can, and I will forever be a disabled cripple-certainly in my own eyes.

Happy 2012 to anyone reading this. Happy, healthy 2012 to my friends, all of whom are reading this (I hope!). My hope is that all my readers (or-any readers!!) will pass this on, and that this blog will go global; my hope is that someone who can benefit from my experience will read these posts, and will understand that they are not alone. If I can push myself to carry on regardless, if I can refuse to give up, or give in to depression and feelings of hopelessness, so can someone else. It takes a lot of determination NOT to give up, I can tell you that. So- Happy New Year. Back into the fray. This is a battle I cannot afford to lose.