Small changes, small victories

Apart from accidentally discovering something to soothe minor burns (cold banana skins...go figure!!), and a supernatural "visitation" in the middle of the night-and having seven cannulae in 13 days, and having my veins destroyed - plus finding a Starbucks within walking distance of the hospital (something good, at least!) - I had a very unremarkable two weeks in the Royal London. At least, they didn't kill me this time!! I think that was more down to luck than anything else.

I've had a rough couple of days since I got back. I decided to go out and have a walk yesterday - and left my stick at home. I wanted to see if I could do without it - and the short answer is, no, I couldn't - I was staggering all over the place. As you can imagine, that didn't make me very happy!!

I went to see my GP this morning - Margaret is back from her sabbatical and is settled in, thank goodness! I told her about the hospital, and mentioned that I tried very hard to be very upbeat, joking and laughing with the staff, and making a general pain in the butt of myself. She made the point that being upbeat is good for morale, and the treatment is better when a patient isn't moaning and morose all the time.

Margaret also made two more points, both of which I found interesting (and enlightening): she commented that I am walking better, and that progress is very slow now, but it is still progress. She said that she thinks I will continue to improve-just not as quickly as I wanted, so I have to learn to be patient. Patience, as we all know, is an alien word - so I just have to push myself and learn to be patient. Grrrr!!!

The second point she made is that she feels that I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -PTSD- and that it is no surprise that I haven't been sleeping, and that I am very stressed and anxious, even though I put on a good show of being funny. She said that it is natural for my mind to go back two years to when the whole gentamicin event occurred, and that I need to see her once a month-she said she is mopping up where the other people left off.

Depression - that big black dog, accompanied by all his friends and family - has been grounding me at times when I least expected it. This, of course, has been going on for the past two years. I have to learn to recognize it before it bites me in the backside-and how to deal with it when it does. I don't find that easy.

I'm working on it. Meanwhile, I am so happy to be out of the hospital, and to be eating food that is recognizable-and to be outside walking, even when I do get some idiot bumping into me and swearing at me, or when I stagger and have to stop until I can get some kind of equilibrium back.

I got an email from one of the women who attended the mindfulness workshop a couple of months ago. She wanted to know if I would be interested in meeting with a few of the other people, so we could keep up the momentum. I'll be going on Monday, and we will see how that goes. Very Buddhist, mindfulness. Very much in the moment. Very Ram Dass (google that if you are under 40!!). I feel that is a way forward.

Now I've got Kettle Chips, Starbucks and mindfulness. Life is getting better!!