Deep fried-crispy critter

Nope-not dead, just deep-fried. I was beginning to think I was the kiss of death for computers, too. Since I posted last time, nothing worked. I felt cursed. That was karma? Screw karma. That was not karma, that was Toshiba.

That was also the fact that I had some unidentifiable throat infection-and everyone wanted me to take antibiotics, but I refused. I take enough antibiotics to fell an elephant; I shouldn't have a single germ in my body. But I did-so I dosed myself on echinacea, and ginger tea, and vitamin C...and spent a ridiculous time in bed, since I couldn't walk without falling over, and couldn't see well enough to sit at the keyboard and type (not that the thing worked anyway. The laptop is less than three years old and has conked out more times than a cat has lives. I would throw it out the window-but I would probably hit someone and get done for fracturing someone's skull).

So, I still am mute. At least I can swallow, because the throat infection seems to have cured itself. But it is hotter than Hell here. Really. It hit the high 70s and low 80s two weeks ago, and the entire country stopped. And this week we had 95F- and nothing worked. I had no internet, no television (not that I watch, it's all crap anyway), and no telephone. I couldn't believe that people went outside in the heat, just to lie on any bit of grass they could find, not worried about turning into crispy critters, oblivious to dehydration, heat stroke and, of course, skin cancer. This entire country will be crippled by skin cancer-and nobody will quite understand why. I did tell you they're all idiots, didn't I? (yes, repeatedly. It's worth saying again. Many times).

I don't go out in the blazing heat and sun. I go out, and five minutes later my skin starts to sizzle. I turn the color of beetroot, and then I peel, and I return to being so pale I look like I am ready for embalming. You can imagine how I detested the heat. I know it's summer, but I come from a civilized country. We have air  conditioning!! We also have central heating in the winter, not those poxy gas fires that cause homes to burn down, or electric fires that-well, do the same. They tip over, and start really interesting fires (for you pyromaniacs out there, you would be in your element).

We also have indoor toilets. I remember when I first came over - and that was twenty years ago, and things haven't progressed that far since then. I discovered that I was staying in a place with no radiators (it was the middle of winter). Then I discovered that most places didn't have that thing that I call an absolute necessity: central heating. And no air conditioning in the summer-not that we had much of a summer back then. This year will be discussed for the next twenty years (any good, hot summer is discussed for years. That is because people are so boring). Then I walked around and looked in real estate agents' windows, just out of curiosity, to see how much property cost. And that was when I saw it: a specialist feature was-an indoor toilet. Excuse me?? Seriously?? Yes, absolutely seriously. Even now there are homes (and not just outside London, but in London, too) with toilets at the end of the garden. Outhouses. Imagine having to go in the middle of the night in the middle of winter. No wonder people are so bitchy. They call themselves "hardy": outside toilets, no air conditioning, no central heating...I call them backward and stupid.

Many of them also had bathtubs in the kitchen. I don't really know why, since they don't seem to wash very often. The Brits are not known for good hygiene; dirty clothing, BO, bad breath, rotten teeth...not everyone, of course, but enough. Other Europeans make fun of them for being dirty and slovenly. Of course, the French are behind that (very true) rumor. But we are talking about the French-and the words "pot", "kettle" and "black" spring immediately to mind.

When I first came over, I was so alarmed at all this that I spent a day walking around and searching for a launderette. I did find one-and was I ever relieved. I had this feeling that the entire population of London took their laundry down to the Thames and beat everything on the rocks. Perhaps some did; just try standing next to them on the Underground when it's hot. There is a distinct whiff of sewage. And I am only 5'3" - so I come up to people's armpits. And that is why I never travel on the Underground. I'm kind to my stomach.

So there you are, that brings us to the present, where the temperature is about 85-positively chilly. If I had the energy (or wanted to waste a lot of time) I would go into one of the big department stores -because they are air conditioned to placate the tourists-and stay there, possibly until September.

So tomorrow is July 4th-and I've got my box of fireworks ready to go. If I haven't fainted from heat stroke-or spontaneously combusted-or been arrested for illegally sending off fireworks-I will be back online and on this blog tomorrow. How else will you know what it's like over here?