I'm back in this time zone-it took four days of serious jet lag, but I'm here. More or less. If I'd stayed a few days longer, I would have been grounded due to the hurricane. Part of me wishes I'd been marooned in New York!!
I have learned so much from this trip home. I realize that I have felt angry, fearful and bitter for longer than the two years and three months since the incompetent doctors at Bart's Hospital crippled and nearly killed me. I've lived in fear and survival mode since I walked out on a manipulative, bullying husband nearly ten years ago. He told me that if I left him I would never survive-and, although I set out to prove him wrong, there were times when I wondered whether I made the right decision. It was so very, very difficult!
I got the chance to look at my life - to really scrutinize it - while I was on the plane back from New York. Really, there wasn't anything else to do!! And I understood that, if I hadn't left the bully and run back to a teaching job in the States, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with toxoplasmosis (I've never had cats-so I'm still mystified as to how I developed that), and I would first have gone blind and then died. That is what toxo does in the end; it was due to a very good doctor in Pennsylvania that ordinary blood tests showed both toxo and CVID. And-I had no medical insurance, so I used all my savings on medical treatment (the best treatment, but also very expensive) and then returned to the UK. I'd lived here for so many years that I could return and seek more medical care. That was how I discovered that the seven sets of genes that should provide my immune system are defective - and only 20 people out of every million are born with no immune system. How I lived this long is still a mystery. The condition isn't contagious; I could only pass it on through pregnancy - so nobody else is at risk. And, if I do all the right things, look after myself, am vigilant (without being obsessive), I'll be okay. For awhile.
I had all this to contend with, and I was beginning to just accept that I'm the one who is responsible for my health and for looking after myself-and then the two medical incompetents destroyed (and nearly ended) my life. That was very difficult. I found forgiveness very difficult (still do), even though I know that the mistakes they made were down to incompentence and stupidity rather than any deliberate act. But I couldn't walk, or stand, or read, or drive-or even wash myself, which was really, really humiliating. So I was naturally more than a bit pissed off!!!!
I realized as I sat on the plane that I have come a long way in two years. I'm the least patient person on this earth, but patience was something I had no choice but to cultivate. As long as I am improving-even though improvement seems to have slowed to a snail's pace-I know I can do more. I must do more.
I wanted to see if I could get on and off a plane, if I could see my friends, if I could walk around without falling in front of a moving vehicle-I wanted to see if I have progressed enough to actually be able to do something that isn't sitting on my behind in a room and feeling sorry for myself. And I could. And I did.
I didn't tell my family I was coming (there is truth to the statement that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!!), but I did tell my friends. The people who are closest to me came to see me, and those who couldn't come to the hotel took the time to call. And, of course, I flew to Orlando to see NJ, for the first time in about 13 years, and I'm so glad I did that. Time doesn't always make people drift away; it can also move friends closer.
Even with jet lag for the first four days (and even with a cold sore, which was hugely embarrassing), I made myself go out. I walked-or, rather, I staggered!! I went to the mall and wandered around the shops, even though I just wanted to sit down; I pushed myself to do all the things that make me dizzy and uncomfortable. I pushed myself; I kept telling myself I could do it. I kept telling myself that I am more than a defective immune system, and that I am much more than a destroyed balance system - and I kept walking. And the fear began to subside.
I waited until the day before I was due to fly back to London-I didn't want to go into the city, because I was afraid of falling over, or of being pushed over. For some odd reason, I was really anxious and afraid. In fact, I couldn't sleep the night before I went. On the Wednesday morning, I procrastinated until it was nearly 9:30-and I decided that rush hour would be over, and I needed to learn to handle trains and crowds, regardless of the time of day. So I went. I took the bus to Jamaica Center-and it wasn't terribly crowded-and then took the E train to the World Trade Center to visit Ground Zero. It took me an hour, the trains were clean, I needn't have worried. I lit a candle in St Paul's Church and said a prayer for all the people who were murdered on that day; then I came back via 34th Street, where I just walked and dodged the crowds (it was now lunchtime, so I was really being brave!!).
I would never have attempted this trip six months ago-or even three months ago-and I didn't go everywhere I wanted to go, and I didn't see everything I wanted to see-but that will be done on my next trip. I want to go back next year, and I want to do it without needing a walking stick. I want my 80% - and I will get it, no matter how long it takes.
I feel much less afraid. In fact, I feel liberated. I did something I didn't really believe I could do. But I took the risk and did it - I don't feel obnoxiously smug, but I do feel braver and more competent (and much more secure) than I did before I left. I don't feel crippled or permanently disabled any more; I believe that we are all stronger than we think we are, and that we can do more than we think we can do-if we give ourselves the chance to prove it to ourselves.
I know that the next chest infection could be the last one-it could be the one that will carry me off. But I don't waste time in fear and doubt, in worrying about what will happen next. Time is too precious. This trip taught me that-and a lot more, besides.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying without ever having lived.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Dazed, confused-and back in the mother country
There are people who never get jet lag-there are people who have jet lag for a day or two, and then they are fine-and then there are those of us who get absolutely slammed by horrendous jet lag in both directions and for about four days each time. That would be me! I'm still running on New York time, and I'm having a tough time writing this blog-which is why I waited until now, although there is a lot of swearing (under my breath, of course) as I keep hitting the wrong keys.
I got to JFK four hours before I was due to board; this is because I had to check out of the hotel, and my friend dropped me off early. I don't mind flying at all; it's the waiting around that irritates me! Happily, Delta will have its own terminal in May of 2013-so I don't have to check in at Terminal 2 and have a huge route march to the gate at Terminal 4!! JFK now has eight terminals-the place is massive!!
I was too tired to have a good look around all the shops when I finally reached the gate, which was in the back of beyond. I figured out why my balance was so terrible: I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night (I never can sleep the night before a flight. Nerves, I think), and everything was so heavy, I felt like a Sherpa with all my stuff. My suitcase weighed in at 54 pounds. Fifty four pounds!!! No wonder it felt heavy (LOL!). And my backpack-I weighed it out of curiosity-weighed a mere 13 pounds. Oh, well-ouch!! And, the thing is, I didn't buy that much. In fact, there were things I wanted to buy that I can't get over here, and I never got around to buying them. When I got back here, I realized that I completely forgot to get some things I felt are essential. Obviously, they weren't that essential or I would have made more of a point in finding them. Then my suitcase would have weighed 60 pounds!!!
What was interesting to me was that there were signs everywhere that Delta participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which now seems to take place every October. There were pink piggy banks on counters, in case anyone wanted to drop in some change. All the staff wore pink: there were pink sweaters, pink stripes on blouses and shirts, one supervisor wore a pink suit-even the steward on the plane wore a pink cravat. Delta went all out to show support for this-and I thought it was great. My seat was over the right wing-and as I looked out the window, I noticed that even the engines were painted pink!! I had to smile at that: pink engines, too (no wonder the cost of tickets has gone up. LOL!!). Delta went all out, and I have to say that I was very pleased about that. Nobody else did that!!
Both New York and Orlando were flooded with pink-the regulation pink that signifies Breast Cancer Awareness Month-and I felt happy that so many people were paying attention. I was proud.
The plane was delayed both ways, take off and landing. In fact, we circled Heathrow for nearly an hour, and I was beginning to think we would run out of fuel, and the passengers would have to walk!! Many passengers were growing very nervous: it was after 7am, we had been in the air about eight hours, and we were still circling the airport. But, as I wrote previously, when there is nothing you can do, you just get on with it (whatever it is).
I got back to North London at about 10:30 on Friday morning - and this time, nobody lost my suitcase. How could they, when it was too heavy to lift!!
Friday and yesterday I was pretty useless. I did my infusions yesterday, hoping that I wouldn't stab myself, since I couldn't really see what I was doing. But that turned out okay, and on both days I managed to stay awake until about 10:30pm before I crashed. My balance and vision still haven't recovered. Yet. But my GP did warn me that I would probably have balance and visual difficulties for a few days, and that is exactly what happened. I'm not worried; I should be back to normal by Tuesday (hopefully).
I wanted to celebrate surviving the last two years, reaching 50% of my balance back (a huge fight if there ever was one), and the birthdays I pretty much ignored since this gentamicin thing happened. And that is what I did: I celebrated by taking two weeks and going home. It wasn't easy, and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do while I was home-but I saw the people who are most important to me, I visited Ground Zero and lit a candle for the people who were senselessly murdered on 9/11, and I can be proud of myself for taking a risk and doing what I thought I never would be able to do.
I've learned a tremendous amount - and that was what drove me, not shopping, or sightseeing. And I will share all that I've learned when I am back in this time zone and I can write without making a lot of mistakes and swearing (I still have no cable, so I am writing from the library computers, so I can't swear out loud. I have to behave myself.LOL).
I've got some decisions to make.
I got to JFK four hours before I was due to board; this is because I had to check out of the hotel, and my friend dropped me off early. I don't mind flying at all; it's the waiting around that irritates me! Happily, Delta will have its own terminal in May of 2013-so I don't have to check in at Terminal 2 and have a huge route march to the gate at Terminal 4!! JFK now has eight terminals-the place is massive!!
I was too tired to have a good look around all the shops when I finally reached the gate, which was in the back of beyond. I figured out why my balance was so terrible: I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night (I never can sleep the night before a flight. Nerves, I think), and everything was so heavy, I felt like a Sherpa with all my stuff. My suitcase weighed in at 54 pounds. Fifty four pounds!!! No wonder it felt heavy (LOL!). And my backpack-I weighed it out of curiosity-weighed a mere 13 pounds. Oh, well-ouch!! And, the thing is, I didn't buy that much. In fact, there were things I wanted to buy that I can't get over here, and I never got around to buying them. When I got back here, I realized that I completely forgot to get some things I felt are essential. Obviously, they weren't that essential or I would have made more of a point in finding them. Then my suitcase would have weighed 60 pounds!!!
What was interesting to me was that there were signs everywhere that Delta participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which now seems to take place every October. There were pink piggy banks on counters, in case anyone wanted to drop in some change. All the staff wore pink: there were pink sweaters, pink stripes on blouses and shirts, one supervisor wore a pink suit-even the steward on the plane wore a pink cravat. Delta went all out to show support for this-and I thought it was great. My seat was over the right wing-and as I looked out the window, I noticed that even the engines were painted pink!! I had to smile at that: pink engines, too (no wonder the cost of tickets has gone up. LOL!!). Delta went all out, and I have to say that I was very pleased about that. Nobody else did that!!
Both New York and Orlando were flooded with pink-the regulation pink that signifies Breast Cancer Awareness Month-and I felt happy that so many people were paying attention. I was proud.
The plane was delayed both ways, take off and landing. In fact, we circled Heathrow for nearly an hour, and I was beginning to think we would run out of fuel, and the passengers would have to walk!! Many passengers were growing very nervous: it was after 7am, we had been in the air about eight hours, and we were still circling the airport. But, as I wrote previously, when there is nothing you can do, you just get on with it (whatever it is).
I got back to North London at about 10:30 on Friday morning - and this time, nobody lost my suitcase. How could they, when it was too heavy to lift!!
Friday and yesterday I was pretty useless. I did my infusions yesterday, hoping that I wouldn't stab myself, since I couldn't really see what I was doing. But that turned out okay, and on both days I managed to stay awake until about 10:30pm before I crashed. My balance and vision still haven't recovered. Yet. But my GP did warn me that I would probably have balance and visual difficulties for a few days, and that is exactly what happened. I'm not worried; I should be back to normal by Tuesday (hopefully).
I wanted to celebrate surviving the last two years, reaching 50% of my balance back (a huge fight if there ever was one), and the birthdays I pretty much ignored since this gentamicin thing happened. And that is what I did: I celebrated by taking two weeks and going home. It wasn't easy, and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do while I was home-but I saw the people who are most important to me, I visited Ground Zero and lit a candle for the people who were senselessly murdered on 9/11, and I can be proud of myself for taking a risk and doing what I thought I never would be able to do.
I've learned a tremendous amount - and that was what drove me, not shopping, or sightseeing. And I will share all that I've learned when I am back in this time zone and I can write without making a lot of mistakes and swearing (I still have no cable, so I am writing from the library computers, so I can't swear out loud. I have to behave myself.LOL).
I've got some decisions to make.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
This isn't goodbye - it's see you later!
It's a dreary day. It's as if New York was smiling when I arrived, but is sad to see me leave. I know that is my imagination-but it makes me feel good, so what the heck!!
I'm packed and ready to go-and in a few hours I will be waiting at JFK. It's a long trip, and I am already wanting to stay here. As I said previously: the grass is always greener somewhere else.
The idea was for me to reward myself with a birthday trip home-and also to reward myself for the two year ordeal I have just come through. It was about pushing my boundaries, seeing if I could live a better life, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself.And that is exactly what I did!
I laugh at the people who say that, whatever the circumstances, whatever the disabilities or challenges, we must face them and move forward; these are the guys who say, yeah, but really, you wouldn't want to go back and change anything. They've never had real problems. They are delusional. Probably completely nuts. Definitely on Prozac.
Would I change everything if I could go back in time and change it? You betcha!! But I can't - and this trip has shown me that I can both survive and thrive, regardless. One thing I have learned the hard way: I've learned to cultivate the one trait I seem to have been born without: patience!!!!
I want my 80% now. Oh, well- I'm getting there. And I'm going to save for another trip back as soon as I can get here. And I'll do it.
I did well these two weeks-so I know that I can do just about anything. Like the man said, I'll be back!!
I'm packed and ready to go-and in a few hours I will be waiting at JFK. It's a long trip, and I am already wanting to stay here. As I said previously: the grass is always greener somewhere else.
The idea was for me to reward myself with a birthday trip home-and also to reward myself for the two year ordeal I have just come through. It was about pushing my boundaries, seeing if I could live a better life, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself.And that is exactly what I did!
I laugh at the people who say that, whatever the circumstances, whatever the disabilities or challenges, we must face them and move forward; these are the guys who say, yeah, but really, you wouldn't want to go back and change anything. They've never had real problems. They are delusional. Probably completely nuts. Definitely on Prozac.
Would I change everything if I could go back in time and change it? You betcha!! But I can't - and this trip has shown me that I can both survive and thrive, regardless. One thing I have learned the hard way: I've learned to cultivate the one trait I seem to have been born without: patience!!!!
I want my 80% now. Oh, well- I'm getting there. And I'm going to save for another trip back as soon as I can get here. And I'll do it.
I did well these two weeks-so I know that I can do just about anything. Like the man said, I'll be back!!
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Another triumph to add to the list
I didn't want to go into the city today. Honestly-I was afraid. Today was the second overcast day since I got here two weeks ago; it was supposed to rain, but it stayed dry, so that was okay. In fact, it only rained once since I arrived-the first Monday night. But it was dark, and I turn into a pumpkin as soon as it gets dark, so as far as I was concerned, that didn't count anyway!!
I pushed myself to get to Jamaica Center-and I decided to take the E train. By the time I would have arrived at any of the museums, I wouldn't have had enough time, since I really need to be out of trains and buses before the rush hour. So I stood there for a minute - and decided that I really didn't want to go shopping. I have more than enough as it is. What I really wanted to do was to visit Ground Zero. So I took the E train to the last stop: the World Trade Center. It took about an hour.
There were signs everywhere that there are 3,000 people working at the site, and that the World Trade Center Tower 1 is halfway toward the goal of 104 floors. I looked at the building that was half finished: it is truly magnificent - and shrouded in mist. Spooky.
The memorial made me shed more than a tear or two; all tourists seem to flock to the 9/11 memorial, and the architects did a superb job. I then walked across the road to St. Paul's Church; Washington prayed here before he took office as first President of the United States in 1789. And when the towers came down, the church survived. Inside are memorials to the firefighters and police who perished, as well as to all the volunteers who spent so much of their time helping others. It was very humbling, and I lit a candle for the dead. I'm not religious at all-but I really wanted to honor them in some small way.
Then I took the E train back to Penn Station, and spent an inordinate amount of time searching for a flag patch to put on my jacket. There were none to be found. So I took the train back to Jamaica, and the bus back to the hotel.
I have to say that I felt quite a sense of achievement. I was walking in midtown at lunchtime, and I can tell you (sadly) that there are as many idiots with the brains of a doorknob that there are in London. They just don't look where they're going, they don't apologize (God forbid they apologize!!), and they seem to expect you to sprint out of their way, even though it is obvious that you have a balance problem. There is a sad trait that seems to be shared by the British and New Yorkers alike.
But- the point is, I pushed the boat out, even though I really was apprehensive about going into the city; I've allowed the balance problems affect me for a very long time. I couldn't have done any of this two years ago-or even six months ago-but I persevered, and I was okay. Tired-but okay.
The museums will still be there the next time I come home. My favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble) will still be there the next time I come home. And the next time I come home will -hopefully-be next year, and I expect to be off the walking stick by then, and to have at least 80% of balance back.
I'm not invincible, or unstoppable-but I am very, very determined. And this trip has given me some of my confidence back. Even if I put myself in debtor's prison it would be worth it.
It's a good job I'm going back to Blighty tomorrow-because if I stay any longer, I will need two seats on the plane. I ate (like a horse), I drank (not a lot, just enough to know I can), and I'm happy-and I haven't been happy in a very, very long time!
I pushed myself to get to Jamaica Center-and I decided to take the E train. By the time I would have arrived at any of the museums, I wouldn't have had enough time, since I really need to be out of trains and buses before the rush hour. So I stood there for a minute - and decided that I really didn't want to go shopping. I have more than enough as it is. What I really wanted to do was to visit Ground Zero. So I took the E train to the last stop: the World Trade Center. It took about an hour.
There were signs everywhere that there are 3,000 people working at the site, and that the World Trade Center Tower 1 is halfway toward the goal of 104 floors. I looked at the building that was half finished: it is truly magnificent - and shrouded in mist. Spooky.
The memorial made me shed more than a tear or two; all tourists seem to flock to the 9/11 memorial, and the architects did a superb job. I then walked across the road to St. Paul's Church; Washington prayed here before he took office as first President of the United States in 1789. And when the towers came down, the church survived. Inside are memorials to the firefighters and police who perished, as well as to all the volunteers who spent so much of their time helping others. It was very humbling, and I lit a candle for the dead. I'm not religious at all-but I really wanted to honor them in some small way.
Then I took the E train back to Penn Station, and spent an inordinate amount of time searching for a flag patch to put on my jacket. There were none to be found. So I took the train back to Jamaica, and the bus back to the hotel.
I have to say that I felt quite a sense of achievement. I was walking in midtown at lunchtime, and I can tell you (sadly) that there are as many idiots with the brains of a doorknob that there are in London. They just don't look where they're going, they don't apologize (God forbid they apologize!!), and they seem to expect you to sprint out of their way, even though it is obvious that you have a balance problem. There is a sad trait that seems to be shared by the British and New Yorkers alike.
But- the point is, I pushed the boat out, even though I really was apprehensive about going into the city; I've allowed the balance problems affect me for a very long time. I couldn't have done any of this two years ago-or even six months ago-but I persevered, and I was okay. Tired-but okay.
The museums will still be there the next time I come home. My favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble) will still be there the next time I come home. And the next time I come home will -hopefully-be next year, and I expect to be off the walking stick by then, and to have at least 80% of balance back.
I'm not invincible, or unstoppable-but I am very, very determined. And this trip has given me some of my confidence back. Even if I put myself in debtor's prison it would be worth it.
It's a good job I'm going back to Blighty tomorrow-because if I stay any longer, I will need two seats on the plane. I ate (like a horse), I drank (not a lot, just enough to know I can), and I'm happy-and I haven't been happy in a very, very long time!
The grass is greener-and other myths
It's such a joy to be able to get online early in the morning-I could get used to this. When I get back, I should be able to do the same-provided, of course, that British Telecom has finally fixed the cables that some engineer broke so long ago that I can't remember the last time I was able to get online from home!!
Ah, British technology-from the same people that brought us the Titanic. What more can one say??
I've been keeping up with the Presidential debates, and I've been talking (briefly) to other guests in the Marriott, as well as hotel staff and my friends. And-it's interesting to me, because I hear so many people say they love London, and they could so easily live there. Ah, yes, I reply-but you've only been there on vacation. You have to have lived there, and struggled to survive there, and then you really know how difficult it is: the economy is in the toilet, there is very high crime, high unemployment, the cost of living is astronomical but the standard of living is way below ours. It isn't Four Weddings and a Funeral; there is nothing romantic about the country except scenery and the accent. And there is a strong anti-American sentiment that seems to grow stronger.
But-I also have heard some Brits say they love New York, and San Francisco (me, too), and Florida-and they would love to live over here. In fact, so many people ask me why on earth I am still living there, now that I got a divorce. That is complicated, so I'll leave it for now. But I can see how difficult it is for my own people, too. We all want what we can't have; the grass is always greener somewhere else. I hear my friend from Pennsylvania dump on America and Americans, and I find it irritating-then I remember that I do the same thing over there. So it's a case of swings and roundabouts.
My good friend NJ pointed out that there are good things and not so good things about both countries; she advised me to look for the good in the UK, since I have to stay there (for now)-and since I have spent more than half my life there. NJ is five years younger than I am-and is very, very wise. We hadn't seen each other for about 13 years, so were both a bit concerned about the Florida visit - but we are really like sisters - except for the fighting and sibling rivalry!
I live there, but my heart will always be here. I'm proud to be exactly who I am.
I did a quick recap during the night; I didn't sleep well, even though the room is very comfortable. I was very aware of the fact that tomorrow I return to London-and I don't know when I will be able to come back to the USA. I hope I can get here before Obama destroys our country-very much like Blair did to the UK. We'll see.
I arrived on Thursday and got to the hotel a little after 4pm. Even with a severe case of jet lag (that lasted until Monday afternoon!!), I just kept going. I hung out with my friend Diane, and my friends from Pennsylvania drove to see me on Sunday and Monday (the day I suddenly developed a cold sore-the first cold sore I have ever had, and I was embarrassed but still didn't let it stop me. After ten days, it is finally beginning to start to heal, and doesn't look like a huge, nasty cauliflower anymore). I was so incredibly pleased that people actually drove over a hundred miles to spend a couple of hours with me, only to have to turn around and drive back to Pennsylvania. In the UK-especially in the last two years-I have been concentrating on remaining upright, so I haven't spent time cultivating friendships. And it's difficult over there; I've met so many nutters that I am somewhat reluctant to hang out with anyone!! I think it's time I socialize more, get out there and do things that interest me. I've spent too much time concentrating on health (or lack thereof). I must admit that I'm fine being a bit of a hermit; I like my own company.
Even Florida smiled on me when I arrived on Thursday. And NJ is a gourmet cook, so I have definitely put some weight on. I kept joking that I will need two seats on the way back to London!! I've probably gained at least five pounds-but I decided to just enjoy myself, and I can lose the weight when I return on Friday morning. I'm not a gourmet cook; I'm not bad, and nobody has died from my cooking (yet)-but I'm no Julia Child (sadly). NJ also sews; give me a needle and thread, and you will get a lot of swearing and a large amount of blood spatter. Good thing I have a good dry cleaners who also repair stuff!! And we spent time on the computer, and NJ showed me a lot of things I didn't know; my computer is a new one, and I need to learn about operating it (my last Toshiba finally went to the giant computer graveyard after 12 years of great service. Boo hiss).
I came back to New York on Monday afternoon-and all flights were great, and the Delta people helped a lot-but I did have some balance issues. My GP warned that I would probably regress after flying, so I was prepared for that. I didn't do much on Monday, and yesterday I walked over to Diane's (a mile and a half) and hung out for awhile; we went to a park near her house, and sat and watched the ducks. It was very peaceful, and I realized that, balance or not, I felt quite happy. Diane, her husband and I went to dinner at TGI Fridays last night-and that will be my last big meal while I'm here in New York. Portion sizes have decreased in an effort to stop the obesity problem-one that the UK shares (more than 40% of UK residents are morbidly obese, so the percentage per capita is about the same in both countries).
Today I am going to be brave and take the bus to the train, and take the train into the city. I don't know how I will react (balance-wise) - but I want to see if I can get to one of the museums. The Metropolitan is a bit far for me (this trip)-anyway, we will see how well I do.
I'm determined not to let this balance problem stop me. This trip is my gift to myself. I didn't really celebrate my birthday for the last few years, so this is my birthday present. It's also an acknowledgment of my two-year fight to both survive and to get as much of my balance back as possible. I refuse to let this setback (as major as it is) to dictate my happiness, and my ability to live a good life. I'm off to the city; as what's his name said: I'll be back!!!
Ah, British technology-from the same people that brought us the Titanic. What more can one say??
I've been keeping up with the Presidential debates, and I've been talking (briefly) to other guests in the Marriott, as well as hotel staff and my friends. And-it's interesting to me, because I hear so many people say they love London, and they could so easily live there. Ah, yes, I reply-but you've only been there on vacation. You have to have lived there, and struggled to survive there, and then you really know how difficult it is: the economy is in the toilet, there is very high crime, high unemployment, the cost of living is astronomical but the standard of living is way below ours. It isn't Four Weddings and a Funeral; there is nothing romantic about the country except scenery and the accent. And there is a strong anti-American sentiment that seems to grow stronger.
But-I also have heard some Brits say they love New York, and San Francisco (me, too), and Florida-and they would love to live over here. In fact, so many people ask me why on earth I am still living there, now that I got a divorce. That is complicated, so I'll leave it for now. But I can see how difficult it is for my own people, too. We all want what we can't have; the grass is always greener somewhere else. I hear my friend from Pennsylvania dump on America and Americans, and I find it irritating-then I remember that I do the same thing over there. So it's a case of swings and roundabouts.
My good friend NJ pointed out that there are good things and not so good things about both countries; she advised me to look for the good in the UK, since I have to stay there (for now)-and since I have spent more than half my life there. NJ is five years younger than I am-and is very, very wise. We hadn't seen each other for about 13 years, so were both a bit concerned about the Florida visit - but we are really like sisters - except for the fighting and sibling rivalry!
I live there, but my heart will always be here. I'm proud to be exactly who I am.
I did a quick recap during the night; I didn't sleep well, even though the room is very comfortable. I was very aware of the fact that tomorrow I return to London-and I don't know when I will be able to come back to the USA. I hope I can get here before Obama destroys our country-very much like Blair did to the UK. We'll see.
I arrived on Thursday and got to the hotel a little after 4pm. Even with a severe case of jet lag (that lasted until Monday afternoon!!), I just kept going. I hung out with my friend Diane, and my friends from Pennsylvania drove to see me on Sunday and Monday (the day I suddenly developed a cold sore-the first cold sore I have ever had, and I was embarrassed but still didn't let it stop me. After ten days, it is finally beginning to start to heal, and doesn't look like a huge, nasty cauliflower anymore). I was so incredibly pleased that people actually drove over a hundred miles to spend a couple of hours with me, only to have to turn around and drive back to Pennsylvania. In the UK-especially in the last two years-I have been concentrating on remaining upright, so I haven't spent time cultivating friendships. And it's difficult over there; I've met so many nutters that I am somewhat reluctant to hang out with anyone!! I think it's time I socialize more, get out there and do things that interest me. I've spent too much time concentrating on health (or lack thereof). I must admit that I'm fine being a bit of a hermit; I like my own company.
Even Florida smiled on me when I arrived on Thursday. And NJ is a gourmet cook, so I have definitely put some weight on. I kept joking that I will need two seats on the way back to London!! I've probably gained at least five pounds-but I decided to just enjoy myself, and I can lose the weight when I return on Friday morning. I'm not a gourmet cook; I'm not bad, and nobody has died from my cooking (yet)-but I'm no Julia Child (sadly). NJ also sews; give me a needle and thread, and you will get a lot of swearing and a large amount of blood spatter. Good thing I have a good dry cleaners who also repair stuff!! And we spent time on the computer, and NJ showed me a lot of things I didn't know; my computer is a new one, and I need to learn about operating it (my last Toshiba finally went to the giant computer graveyard after 12 years of great service. Boo hiss).
I came back to New York on Monday afternoon-and all flights were great, and the Delta people helped a lot-but I did have some balance issues. My GP warned that I would probably regress after flying, so I was prepared for that. I didn't do much on Monday, and yesterday I walked over to Diane's (a mile and a half) and hung out for awhile; we went to a park near her house, and sat and watched the ducks. It was very peaceful, and I realized that, balance or not, I felt quite happy. Diane, her husband and I went to dinner at TGI Fridays last night-and that will be my last big meal while I'm here in New York. Portion sizes have decreased in an effort to stop the obesity problem-one that the UK shares (more than 40% of UK residents are morbidly obese, so the percentage per capita is about the same in both countries).
Today I am going to be brave and take the bus to the train, and take the train into the city. I don't know how I will react (balance-wise) - but I want to see if I can get to one of the museums. The Metropolitan is a bit far for me (this trip)-anyway, we will see how well I do.
I'm determined not to let this balance problem stop me. This trip is my gift to myself. I didn't really celebrate my birthday for the last few years, so this is my birthday present. It's also an acknowledgment of my two-year fight to both survive and to get as much of my balance back as possible. I refuse to let this setback (as major as it is) to dictate my happiness, and my ability to live a good life. I'm off to the city; as what's his name said: I'll be back!!!
Monday, 22 October 2012
And another thing I learned
Security people at JFK and Orlando have no sense of humor. NEVER say "hola" to a security person. Not even to be friendly. Especially do not say "hola,wanker", no matter how rude they are. Say it silently (I did. Several times. I nearly hit one with my walking stick. Accidentally, of course).
Airport security people have a tough job-but that is a crappy excuse.
I had to show my passport at Orlando in order to be allowed to get past security. The guy was nasty-but I think that's why they hire people like him.
I said: it's my birthday. And it is also the first time I have been on a plane since my accident. He harrumphed. He really harrumphed. Nobody harrumphs these days. So I said: you could just wish me a happy birthday. And he looked at me like I have three heads, one of which is probably detachable-and he smiled. Well-it might have been a grimace; it was very hard to tell. Happy birthday, have a good flight, he said.
I smiled broadly and said thanks, I will. I probably ruined his entire day.
Airport security people have a tough job-but that is a crappy excuse.
I had to show my passport at Orlando in order to be allowed to get past security. The guy was nasty-but I think that's why they hire people like him.
I said: it's my birthday. And it is also the first time I have been on a plane since my accident. He harrumphed. He really harrumphed. Nobody harrumphs these days. So I said: you could just wish me a happy birthday. And he looked at me like I have three heads, one of which is probably detachable-and he smiled. Well-it might have been a grimace; it was very hard to tell. Happy birthday, have a good flight, he said.
I smiled broadly and said thanks, I will. I probably ruined his entire day.
Off to see the Wizard
I got to Orlando without any kind of incident.
JFK and Orlando Airport both have heavy security - they do the usual: everything in little boxes to be sent through the scanners (including shoes). But-they also have a large machine that xrays every passenger. You walk into it, stand with arms over your head, glass doors close, and a few seconds later, you're done. Probably irradiated for the next fifty years, but done.
I asked someone if this was an xray machine-because there are no notices of any kind. When I was told yes, and the scan was over, I asked how my lungs are. The security people weren't amused. I was (clearly) but they weren't. And I had needles and syrings in my backpack-and it was like Heathrow: nobody said a thing. I must look very innocent. Well-I AM very innocent! Even with the walking stick!!
I got to Orlando Thursday afternoon, and my friend NJ was waiting for me. We both teared up - because, although we talk all the time, we haven't seen each other in thirteen years. I have a strong feeling that true friendship isn't diminished by the passing of time-and I was absolutely right this time.
I had a wonderful time with NJ and her dogs, and her cats, too. We hung out. We walked the dogs-and I walked without the stick. I didn't fall over once. So I know that, even with jet lag for the first four days, and even spending two hours (and a bit) on a plane, I was pretty much okay.
We went to the Bose store-because I wanted to buy a pair of Bose headphones. Extravagant? Yes-but I realized before I got on the plane from Heathrow that I am rewarding myself for surviving the last two years.
I survived. I've made it this far, and I will get to that magic 80%, and I don't care how long it takes. What is important is that I took the risk, I made the decision, and I didn't sit on my behind and complain about my bad luck (well, I did, but only for the first 20 months or so. Then I was too bored to continue).
We shared a beautiful bottle of champagne last night, since it was my last night in Orlando for awhile.
But there is one thing I know for certain: it won't be another 13 years (hopefully not even another 13 months!) before I get on a plane again and go to visit NJ in Orlando.
As the saying goes: I'll be back! (who said that again? Oh, yeah: somebody who is a lot older than I am!!!LOL)
JFK and Orlando Airport both have heavy security - they do the usual: everything in little boxes to be sent through the scanners (including shoes). But-they also have a large machine that xrays every passenger. You walk into it, stand with arms over your head, glass doors close, and a few seconds later, you're done. Probably irradiated for the next fifty years, but done.
I asked someone if this was an xray machine-because there are no notices of any kind. When I was told yes, and the scan was over, I asked how my lungs are. The security people weren't amused. I was (clearly) but they weren't. And I had needles and syrings in my backpack-and it was like Heathrow: nobody said a thing. I must look very innocent. Well-I AM very innocent! Even with the walking stick!!
I got to Orlando Thursday afternoon, and my friend NJ was waiting for me. We both teared up - because, although we talk all the time, we haven't seen each other in thirteen years. I have a strong feeling that true friendship isn't diminished by the passing of time-and I was absolutely right this time.
I had a wonderful time with NJ and her dogs, and her cats, too. We hung out. We walked the dogs-and I walked without the stick. I didn't fall over once. So I know that, even with jet lag for the first four days, and even spending two hours (and a bit) on a plane, I was pretty much okay.
We went to the Bose store-because I wanted to buy a pair of Bose headphones. Extravagant? Yes-but I realized before I got on the plane from Heathrow that I am rewarding myself for surviving the last two years.
I survived. I've made it this far, and I will get to that magic 80%, and I don't care how long it takes. What is important is that I took the risk, I made the decision, and I didn't sit on my behind and complain about my bad luck (well, I did, but only for the first 20 months or so. Then I was too bored to continue).
We shared a beautiful bottle of champagne last night, since it was my last night in Orlando for awhile.
But there is one thing I know for certain: it won't be another 13 years (hopefully not even another 13 months!) before I get on a plane again and go to visit NJ in Orlando.
As the saying goes: I'll be back! (who said that again? Oh, yeah: somebody who is a lot older than I am!!!LOL)
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