Small victories

It really did snow on Saturday night. I'm used to the weather forecasters being wrong; they say it will rain, and it is either a beautiful day or a monsoon. But I looked out my window at about 1am on Sunday, and, sure enough, the ground was completely white.

I like snow. I like it when it first falls; everything looks so clean, and beautifully white. I don't like it quite so much when it turns icy, though. I had to stay inside on Sunday-and Monday morning-because it was too icy for me to venture out (although I have to say, I did make an attempt!).

The fact that I cannot negotiate an icy road brought home my vulnerability-again. And I had a choice: I could either give in to the black dog of depression that keeps nipping at my heels (sometimes it chomps its way up my legs!), or I could be philosophical about it. Even younger, fitter people don't like negotiating through ice, so I am certainly not alone.

I thought back to the three people who hit on me last week, and that was enough to make me smile, even though I was completely housebound for two days. The one was an old, filthy hobo who clearly had a thing for his daughter (creepy!!), the second was another old guy who felt it necessary to stop me in the street and tell me all about his toilet habits (gross!), and the third was a young guy who obviously was looking for a bit more experience dealing with women (yeah, just call me Mrs. Robinson!). I was polite but firm with all of them-I'm so diplomatic in my dotage!! But it is safer to avoid hurting anybody's feelings. I'm learning!! Perhaps I should run for public office (LOL as if!).

The interesting fact - after all this - is that I can do a lot more than I could do 18 months ago, when "the event" just happened. At first, I couldn't stand up without feeling so dizzy I would topple over. And I couldn't walk up the road without staggering as if I was either drunk or on drugs. That fact, sadly, led to a lot of nasty comments from my neighbors-and the physiotherapists reminding me that people are idiots and I shouldn't take any notice of anything they do or say. Point taken-it only took me 18 months to get it!!

I actually was able to walk up the road - with a single point stick, now, no more tripod - and turn my head without falling over. Yes, turning my head without falling over might not seem like much to anyone who is able-bodied, but it is a major thing for me. I even bent down and picked up something I dropped in the kitchen this morning, and I did so without holding onto anything, and without really thinking about it. I might not be able to focus my eyes very well, and I only have-at best-50% of my balance and focus back, but I look back even 3 months and I can see a measurable difference in the things I am able to do.

These are small victories-but they are victories nevertheless. I never expected to be like this 18 months later-and I do get depressed about it when I have a bad day and I can't do anything - but I won't give up the fight to get at least 80% back. Perhaps I am being naive-but I still won't quit.