A tiny miracle-but a miracle nevertheless

It has been a long, difficult journey - and has taken me 18 months to get this far. That, in itself, is a miracle. Last year I was so frustrated, and angry, I was at the point of giving up. In fact, I prayed to die. Living wasn't-and isn't- much fun. Not much fun at all.I didn't come this far to roll over and give up and die. I'm simply too bloody minded, too obstinate, to quit. I haven't even started to live yet!!

I tell the gentamicin story to people who ask what happened, why I appear so healthy-except for the walking stick, and the obvious balance difficulty-and I am constantly told how couragious I am, and what an inspiration I am. Well - I don't know about that. All I do know is that the alternative isn't something I want to think about. I experienced that at the very beginning: having people come into my home and have to wash me because I was unable to do it myself, and having people come in to help me prepare meals because they were afraid that, left to my own devices, I would probably inadvertently set myself (and the building) on fire.

People came in to help me get out of bed and walk; they had to support me while I tried to walk up and down the stairs, because I couldn't do it on my own. For the first time in my life, I felt like a cripple. And I did all the exercises I was given because I was afraid not to do so-I was terrified that I would be like this for the rest of my life.

I remember a friend telling me that nothing lasts forever. Things change; good things, bad things, happy events, disasters, sickness-nothing lasts forever. I stopped believing in God. I stopped believing in anything and everything. All I wanted was to recover my faculties. I needed the strength and courage to go on. I needed the strength and courage to put one foot in front of the other (more or less) without falling flat on my face.

I wanted at least 80% of my balance and vision back before the end of 2010. That didn't happen, and I cried for the week ending December 31, 2010. Then I decided it would have to be better by Easter, 2011. That didn't happen, either. Then July, then Christmas (2011), then New Year's. Nothing. There is no God. If there is, he is AWOL. Or he just isn't interested. So I am going to have to rely on myself, and only myself.

It has now been 18 months, and I have approximately 50% back-depending on the day. If it is raining, or snowing, or the barometric pressure outside has changed, if I am tired, haven't slept well, or I have a cold-all those things affect my balance, equilibrium, vision and focus. Of course, when it is dark, I am unable to walk or focus my eyes at all. I am not able to go out after dark; I turn into a pumpkin after dark!

I ask: why me? Then again- why not me?

I have a place to live. It isn't the greatest, it isn't what I want, but it is a roof over my head, and that is more than can be said for many people. I have a lot of things: I have two legs, both of which function reasonably well. Things could be so much worse. Eighteen months ago, things were so much worse. I'm beginning to realize how grateful I should be - and that realization is a miracle in itself.

I'm going for a lymph node biopsy next week - to check for lymphoma. Got the symptoms. Hopefully, I haven't got the disease. That would be too much to handle; I have been through enough. But-I had to deal with this (myself, mainly)-so I can deal with anything else. Nobody else will do it for me.

Nothing lasts forever.