Courage, kind words and a sense of humor

Sometimes I think that bravery is highly overrated.

I got quite depressed over the fact that I have now had this condition for two years-and I know I need to have some patience and work hard-but I have to say that I wasn't born with the patience gene. That went missing, along with the genes that provide the immune system!!

There are times I start to think I haven't worked hard enough for that all-important 80%, and I begin to feel discouraged. My friends, my GP, my physiotherapists and others tell me how courageous I am, and I'm such an inspiration...well, there are times my courage fails me. At least I've reached the point where I'm no longer joking about signing me up for Dignitas!!

For the first eighteen months, my sense of humor deserted me, and I felt very, very alone. I was very, very alone! My closest friends aren't in this country. They've all got their own lives, families, dramas-and I won't bellyache to my friends all the time-because if I do, I won't have any friends left!!

Humor is really important-so is a sense of perspective. If I could go back in time two years, I would change everything that happened-but I can't, so I need to learn to live with the situation, and live a life that is forever changed (radically!!). I find forgiveness difficult, but I am working on moving forward, and I suppose forgiveness is part of that. What I find really interesting is that my moods affect the things that happen to me. I will explain.

Yesterday I went out for a walk-and I also went to the gym (I did that today, too-good for me!!). On my way back, a man I've never seen before stopped me in the street and told me that he worked in one of the local shops; he said that he and his partner have watched me struggling to walk by, and they felt badly because I seemed so very unwell. He went on to say that I look like I've made a spectacular improvement, and that they were very happy to see me on the mend. I nearly fell over-I've never seen this man, and he didn't have to say anything, but he made a point of stopping me.

I told him that I have worked very hard-and he said that he could see that-and I thanked him for the kind words and encouragement. We went our separate ways-but I could feel my posture change as I straightened up, and I smiled when I thought of the encounter. Kind words-they do mean a great deal. And yet, most people I have encountered have been anything but kind!!

Tomorrow I return to see Dr Dimples, my neurologist-and we will see what he says. He's always encouraging, treats me like I've got a brain-and he's also very cute!!

I know there is light at the end of this very long tunnel-but I have felt that it is an oncoming express train. I think I'm pushing myself to start moving forward, rather than stay stuck in the past. It's not easy.

Nobody ever said that life was supposed to be easy!!