Reasons to be cheerful-part 1

That would make a good song title...in fact, I think it might already be a song title, in which case I nicked it (inadvertently, of course. Oops-whatever!!).

It has been a very challenging week, to say the least-but I suppose I am the poster girl for understatement!! The noisy, insane, nasty old fart from Hell upstairs, the midges, the hideously damp flat, the uncaring landlords who refuse to fix the damp...plus, of course, the chest infection and three weeks of ciprofloxacin-all enough to try the patience of a saint. I am no saint, that's for sure!!

I have been very depressed all week. I've had days and weeks like this for the last two years, but I had to really work hard to bring myself back on an even (ish) keel. I have yet to learn to accept the changes to my life; whether this whole thing could have been avoided (we know it could have been) isn't really relevant  now. The fact is, this happened, and there is no way to reverse the damage or change anything that happened. Like so many people I know, I tend to cling to injustices of the past, even though the anger poisons the present. I know I'm sad and angry; I don't need anyone to tell me that!! Changing my thoughts and my attitudes takes some incredibly hard work. I'm working on it-it takes time.

I remember my old meditation teacher telling me that happiness is a habit, not the result of something happening, not a payoff-but a choice. When you feel like you are a salmon swimming upstream (only to end up as someone's lunch), that is a little difficult to keep in mind. So I thought about what makes me feel grateful, and what cheers me, hoping to pull myself out of this latest low mood.

The biggest event at the moment is my impending trip to New York. I finally decided that, after three years, it is time to go visit everyone, so my friends and family can see that I haven't been abducted by aliens. This is a major deal, believe me: I'm not able to drive long distances, so I will stay in a hotel and take the subway. Eeek-the subway!!! What a challenge!! I'll also fly down to Orlando to visit my very good friend, who is a gourmet cook, among other things-so I must lose some weight between now and then, or I won't be able to fit into any of my clothes!!

I've got other reasons to be cheerful: although I have been really dizzy and falling over this past week, I understand that I also haven't been sleeping, and I've been doing all the things that make me worse-so the setback is a temporary affliction. I'm improving, but very slowly. I still have my arms and legs (complete with midge bites), and I still have all my faculties (except, of course, my balance)-so I'm very lucky. This could all have been so much worse. I have to be a bit more objective.

The big thing is the journey-and, of course, how I will handle many hours on a plane, plus the time difference. This is a challenge-but I always rise to a challenge, no matter how much I complain about it!!

It seems I am famous (or infamous) in Haringey, because I stand up and fight for my rights as a tenant. I'm still fighting-I spent a lot of years giving into other people, and injustice-but I am older and wiser now, and these two years have made me tougher than I was before.

It's interesting that a man who stands up and fights for his rights is considered strong, and assertive, and tough; a woman who fights is called an evil bitch (among other things, if you ask anyone at Haringey!!). I remember seeing a man in Florida (this was years ago) who looked like he had stepped out of the film Deliverance - he was wearing a t-shirt that said "Proud to be a redneck". I did smile at that...now I think I will have a t-shirt printed that says "Proud to be a bitch". Perhaps I will send a photo of it to Haringey council!!

I didn't get this far by being a wimp; I got this far by being a fighter. If that makes me a bitch-oh, well, whatever.