Tweaking the funnybone and waving the flag

Today marks 104 weeks-exactly two years- and I wanted to have at least 80% of my balance back-but I don't have that, so I will have to be patient and keep working harder and longer.

I have endured two weeks of shouting and screaming at top volume (and that's just from the sports announcers-I'm surprised they haven't worked themselves into a heart attack), rabid xenophobia, pathological envy, enough jingoism and nasty nationalism and backbiting to make me want to vomit-and I'm glad that "sporting event" is nearly over. No kidding!!

So-I will do my little bit of patriotic flag waving, and say: go Team USA, leave them all behind in the dust, grab all those golds!! All Americans are very proud of our team and our great athletes, and we don't have to dump on anyone else's athletes, or teams, or countries in order to feel proud- in order to feel adequate (unlike some countries I could mention!).

The other day, I found myself in a discussion with someone (British) about the Olympics-as if anyone could get away from that topic at the moment!! He said that Lance Armstrong is a cheater, and that Olympic cycling was -and is- filled with drug taking cheats. So-never afraid to stand up for what I believe in (as you know by now)-I said that means that Bradley Wiggins must be a drug taking cheat in order to win the Tour de France for Britain. This guy became really irate: no, Wiggins is just talented. So, I said, was Armstrong. Oh, no, our athletes aren't drug taking cheats, this chap said. Neither are ours, I declared. Stalemate.

Really. Teams USA and China are first and second in the medals table-as they were in Beijing-and they flip between first and second. I notice that our athletes have grace, and exhibit good sportsmanlike behavior; they have no problem congratulating other athletes for beating them, even though they are disappointed. They make no excuses.

The athletes from the country that is in third place (no prizes for guessing who that is), however, are a different story altogether. This is a country filled with sore losers and sore winners alike. They make the most lame excuses for not coming first: the other teams take drugs/the grass is too green/we only can win if there are two Thursdays in the week or there are no Rs in the month/it's not a leap year. You get the idea: nobody else is any good, and nobody else rates. That is why I will be delighted when the Olympics are over.Brits wring their hands with glee when it comes to someone else's misfortune. We don't-and that is the difference between winners and losers.

I've got the ideal solution for the problem of lying, cheating and drug taking in the Olympics (if you think I'm really serious, slap yourself a few dozen times!):  take all the athletes who are cheats, put them in suits, and and give them a place in a profession that requires people who lie, cheat, steal and take drugs. I speak, of course, of politics. You absolutely need to lie, cheat and steal to be a politician; we all know that. You don't need brains, or charm, or looks, or wit (witness Tony Blair, Cameron and Clegg, Obama, and, of course, Bush-proof positive). You just need to be thoroughly odious and unscrupulous. After all, it has worked for all those I just named-not to forget Merkel, and what's his name-the man who replaced the dwarf Sarkozy.

Bolt? Definitely on drugs-either that, or he is used to running from the police. Andy Murray? Drugs-and the only way he would ever, ever beat Roger Federer is if he sedated him before the match. The UK women rowers? Drugs, obviously. Plus, they have the shoulders of linebackers. And they're ugly.

All members if the Olympic committee? Well, obviously. Sebastian Coe? Some idiot made him a peer-he must be on drugs. Oh, and let's not forget David Beckham (much as we would like to!). He's more famous for his underwear commercials than anything else-and let's face it, someone must have shoved a bunch of bananas down his knickers before the shoot. I don't know if Beckham is on drugs, but he certainly makes me want to take drugs: the kind that stop you from vomiting. Him, repulsive? Oh, absolutely.

So there you are: my solution to Olympic drug taking. My solution to everything else that's wrong in the world? Put women in charge!!