Just try not thinking of a lemon

Years ago, I took a meditation course. One of the exercises was to close our eyes and not visualize a lemon. Of course, all we could think about was a lemon: what it looked like, lemonade, lemon juice, vodka and tonic with a slice of lemon-you get the picture. When I said not to think about a lemon, didn't you picture one? Exactly. There are so many schools of thought (including scientific laws of physics) that tell us that we create what we think about-and that if we decide NOT to think about something, we think about it even more. I remember dreaming about lemons the night we did that exercise. Really!!

Last week marked exactly two years since the gentamicin poisoning: 104 weeks. I know I said I would no longer mark the dates on  my calendar-and I don't mark the dates!! - but I have to admit that it is 105 weeks today, and I'm not marking the occasion, but that doesn't mean I still think about it. Think about something long enough and create it: that goes for spiders (trust me when I say I know that-talk about a phobia!!!), cancer, loss of any kind-you name it. I truly feel that this is not something that is simplistic.

It is about 88F outside: sun, humidity, and horrendous heat. That doesn't happen very often in this country-and, thank goodness, it doesn't last very long. But I still feel like a crispy critter: I don't even need to be stuck over a spit to feel deep fried!! I don't like the heat: I sweat, my hair frizzes until it looks like cotton fluff, and all I want to do is sleep-until winter.

So, I decided to think cool thoughts. Hey-it is supposed to work for Yogis-and it most certainly didn't work for me. All it did was make me laugh. So much for creating what you want, not what you don't want. Obviously, I am in need of a lot of practice. By the time it works, it'll be winter. And I will stop complaining about the weather!!

I went to the gym early this morning. My trainer took no pity on me, and worked me very hard. Happily, the gym is air-conditioned-that is progress, given the fact that I have lived here for many years, and a/c was unheard of for years after I arrived. You sweated; you fainted; you had heart failure and heat stroke (really, there were times when the government issued heat warnings. Forget a/c: they gave us heat warnings). I never fainted, but I did sit in the shower until my skin was the consistency of a prune. Not a very attractive look, I might add!!

I went through my paces this morning-armed with a large bottle of water-and I amazed myself by doing squats without either holding on tight to a bar or falling over. So-my brain is making pathways into the legs. Before, I only had the eyes, and we know how fuzzy my vision is, and how that didn't really help very much.

The discovery that I could do squats-which I couldn't do six months ago-gave me more incentive to work harder. After two years of on-and-off depression, and anxiety, and fear, and hopelessness-I have the first inkling that I might actually get more balance back. I know it has taken two years to get 50% back, and that some days I only manage 20%-but I finally feel that there is some hope after all.

What a shame that it took so long!! That's two years out of my life-and, of course, I don't know how much longer I've got (does anyone?). There's hope-and there is progress-and that is what is important.

Attitude is everything.