Thanksgiving: thanks for...what?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to one and all. I remember all the years of celebrating; the house was always full of people, and everyone ate and drank too much, and swore to never do it again-until Christmas, of course!!

I always celebrated Thanksgiving-even all the years I spent in this country. Whatever happened, in November I celebrated-and there were some really dodgy years, I can tell you!

But-two years ago, I stopped. For me, I had no reasons to give thanks. I  couldn't get out of bed without falling over. I couldn't walk. I couldn't wash or dress myself, or cook for myself, or even wipe my backside. That's how bad it was...so when I wrote previously that I wanted to sign up for Dignitas, I wasn't really joking. I went from being active, and in good shape-to being a cripple in one stupid move by incompetent doctors - a move that could have been avoided, and for which I never even received an apology. The only thing that kept me going was the refusal to let them win.

Even last November I found no reason to celebrate. I was still so angry, so filled with hatred, and anxiety, and fear-and hideous depression that has lasted the better part of two years. I was tempted to just quit; I just wanted to stay in bed, not eat, just see how long it would take me to either improve or die. And I have a feeling that many people who are disfigured, or disabled, or whose lives have been destroyed by others (whether accidentally or deliberately) can relate to the way I was feeling.

Now it is two years (and four months) down the road, and I have about 50-55% of my balance, although I am still visually slightly impaired and there are things I cannot do-and things I am told I will never be able to do. But-I am still improving, although it is an uphill battle, and much too slow for my liking. I know all the stories about the brain making new neural pathways, because the balance system is gone forever, etc, etc...that really doesn't make me feel much better.I just have to work harder.

Today is the first Thanksgiving I am celebrating since 2009; I'm going to open a bottle of wine, have a glass or two, and remind myself that I have done a tremendous amount in two years. So what if it took two years? It isn't like I had anything to do in that time (well, I did, but I didn't do anything, because I was too busy trying to survive).

Every once in awhile I meet an acquaintance for a coffee-an accountant who works as a volunteer for the visually impaired. I was telling her about my trip to New York-this was on Monday-and she dismissed it as being "no big deal". That was what she said: it's no big deal, because I was picked up at the airport and I know my way around New York. So she said: "so what?". I was really hurt by that; she completely missed the point. It wasn't "no big deal" - it was a huge, cosmic-sized deal. It took me two years to be able to do that-and in one sentence, she dismissed it as being unimportant. People never cease to amaze me.

So-yes, I can give thanks, because I reached the point where I can travel; I'm not out of the woods when it comes to having both knees sorted out, but I will get there, too. I'm on the mend, even though I'm on the mend at a snail's pace...so I give thanks for never giving up, never quitting (no matter how many times I was tempted), never walking away. And I am dumping the nay sayers and starting over: I don't want people in my life who tell me it's "no big deal". I'm lucky that I have friends who are supportive...

I'm off to be a wino for the day. That won't be difficult; two drinks and I'm not on the floor. I'm under it!