The cornerstones of life

Murphy's Law was in operation this week; I thought I was safe from the vomiting flu, and I was a bit smug-that will teach me not to be smug!! I got through Christmas Day with no problems-but then, it hit. Wham!! Nasty little thing, too. So Boxing Day was-well, not a joy, and I will spare the gories. That isn't my idea of a fun way to lose weight, either - not recommended! All these people spreading germs-the problem is, too many people are breathing. It doesn't seem fair.

When I was a freshman in university, I took this psychology course with a professor who used to come into the room and run his fingernails down the blackboard. It had the desired effect: it shut us all up. And the prof carried this very heavy, very ornate walking stick that had a brass top and a brass base. It was very impressive-a real, handcarved walking stick, not a simple wood cane (althought mine does the job, so I'm not complaining).

I mention the walking stick because the prof used to hurl it across the room when someone wasn't paying attention. Within a week, all of us learned how to duck fast. The thing was heavy! And the prof had really, really good aim. Of course, today he would be charged with assault, but in those days, everyone was too afraid of him to complain. Besides, he was very entertaining when he wasn't trying to brain one of his students.

Prof used to write swear words on the blackboard. He once said that he did this to illustrate the point that words only have the meaning we assign to them; if someone who didn't speak English came into the class and read the swear words, the words would have no meaning. This was a very interesting concept-although it didn't stop anyone from swearing, we all used to tell each other not to be offended. I don't know where those students are now-probably in jail.

Prof also said that he has four cornerstones of life, and if we remember-and follow-those cornerstones, we will have a happy life. I found the index card on which I wrote those cornerstones about a million years ago-not that I have ever followed them, but a new year is coming next week, so doing something really constructive would be a good idea.

Number 1: Life is unfair. Things happen, and there is nothing we can do to change them. Birds eat worms; if you think that's fair, just ask a worm. There are tsunamis, places where there is horrendous poverty, and people killing each other for no reason whatsoever. Fair? Nope, I think not.

Number 2: There are no guarantees in life. We make plans, we get married (and maybe it'll last, and maybe not. I'm a pretty good expert on that one!), we decide where we are going for our holidays- and then we get some debilitating disease, or we get struck by lightning, or we are walking past a building where someone is delivering a piano and the thing slips, drops on our head, and it's goodnight, Vienna. Splat-that's a really quick way to go out, incredibly dramatic-hopefully it will be a Steinway, because if you are going to be splattered all over the pavement, it should be by something that is very expensive and top of the line.

Number 3: Someone is always moving the goalposts. Just when you think you are nearly where you want to be, some prat moves the goalpost. When you think you are within reach of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it turns out to be a McDonald's - and someone has moved it!!!!! (this is rather connected to numbers 1 and 2, don't you think?)

Number 4 (my favorite): Never assume anything. For example, someone says something really nasty, and you automatically assume that you have done something to make them angry. Or you see someone you know in the street, and they pretend (or seem to pretend) you aren't there. What's up with that? It could just be that they either didn't see you coming toward them, or (in scenario number 1) they've just been fired, they have a headache, they have PMS, whatever. Never assume it has to do with you, or it's your problem. Nine times out of ten (maybe ten times out of ten) it's their problem, not yours.

I read the card and thought of all the people who have knocked me flat-or hit me-or nearly knocked me in front of traffic-or cursed at me-in the last two and a half years, and I realized that I have been really upset for no useful reason. I decided that these people a) have no manners at all; b)have probably been brought up in a barnyard - or a sewer; c) are total retards who have less intelligence than a cowpat.

Really, that helps; after all, how can you be angry with a retard who doesn't know any better (or seem to care, for that matter?). They are what they are. Sadly. It's as futile to stay angry with them as it is to be angry with a cockroach for being a cockroach. After all, I do live in a place where the average IQ is allegedly 80; really, I think it's closer to 40. A lot of villages are missing their idiots. Anger is futile.

Of course, I could invest in body armor. Or-I will just hope and pray that some (possibly all) of these people get hit on the head with a falling piano. A grand piano. From a great height. And - a cheap one.