If it's Monday, it must be raining

Actually, I should say that if it's December, it must be raining! December has been so wet, I'm surprised that some entrepreneur hasn't started an ark-building course.

It's been very difficult for me. I've had to choose between going out in the pouring rain and risking getting drenched and developing a chest infection (in addition to the nasty cold I've had all month), plus the possibility of getting shoved in front of traffic by some imbecile who isn't looking where he (or she) is going, or staying indoors and not doing the walking that will help me get more of my balance back. For the most part, I've elected to stay in-and I've really suffered the consequences.

I was walking down the road on Friday-it was actually a dry day. Miracles happen!!! I fell over. Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, I felt myself go. Luckily, there was a wall right next to me, and I crashed into it. It has been that kind of month - but I have managed to be more philosophical, and to realize that it will take longer than I originally thought to get back that 80%-that magic 80% that I want so desperately. I need to stop feeling both vulnerable and disabled - because I feel that at some point, I will be neither of those. Hopefully - and it will take a lot more work to get there.

One thing I have been thinking about since Christmas is my resolution list for 2013. I have the same resolutions I have every year: put an end to procrastination, change my diet, lose weight, do more exercise, meditate regularly, be more positive...the usual things that most friends feel they want to do, too. And I always break the resolutions within the first week of January! Eeek..does that sound familiar? Everyone I know makes at least one of those resolutions - and everyone I know breaks them around the same time I do: somewhere around the fifth of January. Best not to resolve anything, and just go and do it.

I've got something of a different resolution this year - in addition to the usual ones I listed above. I have had a really tough three years. In fact, I have had a thoroughly abominable decade. These last ten years have been the worst ten years of my life-and that is going some, I can tell you. I've carried a great deal of anger, sometimes fury - and fear, anxiety, tremendous stress - and it has all been magnified since the big deal of 2010. I've also felt a huge sense of betrayal, and I've felt let down and victimized, especially by the hospital. And I have to let all that go, no matter how difficult it is and no matter how long it takes.

So-I know that I can't solve problems with the same mindset that created them. I also know that I do not want to carry the anger and all the other toxic emotions from the last decade into the next one. I've been my own therapist (and at least, in this case, my therapist and I speak the same language!!!). I understand how toxic emotions destroy the person who feels them - even though the perpetrator(s) feel absolutely nothing.


Not everyone thinks or feels the same way I do (which is really annoying!!). Other people don't feel the sense of guilt and remorse I think they should feel. I've been beating myself up over all this injustice for years. Has it changed anything or anyone? No, of course it hasn't. Has it improved my life in any way? No, of course it hasn't - it has done precisely the opposite.

Regaining more of my balance and visual acuity means that I have to work very hard, do what I have been told to do, stay immobile (or in the house) less and walk more, regardless of weather, ignorant people, or the fact that I'm feeling either too tired or too lazy (or both). The brain will not make new neural pathways unless it is constantly challenged - and stress, anger, bad diet, bad weather...all the factors I've written about in the last year-really, really hold back any kind of progress.

So-I need to dump the negative feelings, the negative people, the toxic emotions-and work with a different, more positive mindset. This isn't a maybe I will, maybe I won't kind of thing; it's an absolute necessity, and changing from a glass half empty cynic to a glass half full realistic optimist will be a challenge.

My life has been one challenge after another, and this huge challenge isn't just another one, but one that will be life-changing. If I want to live a better life - and I do - I have to pick up the gauntlet and get to work. No excuse will do; any excuse is just feeble, in my view.

So there you have it. I've got another huge challenge ahead of me for 2013: going into the new year, and a new decade, without the mindset I have dragged with me for the last year (and decade).

Tonight I will raise a glass or three of bubbly (not the domestic, naff Cava that people want to pass off as real champagne!! It's like serving Ripple and telling people it's French wine), toast the end of an era, and realistically will have to stop at two glasses (any more and I'm not on the floor, but under it).

So, fingers crossed, I will keep posting my progress (and more bad jokes every chance I get!), and if you have a challenge, have a go with me. The best revenge is success.

Happy New Year, and I will see you on Wednesday!