Still kicking-ish

I haven't died-it just feels like it! I went to the gym yesterday, and I hadn't been there for several weeks-and I did legs-and now I have pain where I didn't even think I had muscles! I have to get my skates on, and now really hit it hard and go at least four times a week-my balance depends on my legs, and my knee surgery will be happening before I know it. So I must be strong!!

At the moment, I have muscles about half the size of a sparrow's kneecaps. Really-I'm growing nervous about the surgery-and the balance-so I must stop goofing off and start working.

This was a hospital run week-rather like the school run, but different (okay, it wasn't like the school run, but you get the drift). On Wednesday, I went along to the Tate Britain-I haven't been there in so long, I forgot that they are renovating, so I got a bit lost when I tried to find the Members Room. The corridor I used to use has been sealed off. It was lovely and quiet and 10am-but that didn't last long. All of a sudden, hordes of people arrived-it was like a plague of locusts (pardon the biblical reference :-). I met my friend Marlene, who is in her 70s and has been a professional quilter for a number of years. We enjoyed the exhibits, and then got on the train home.

I received a letter from the Medical Research Council this morning. As I expected: it is a whitewash. Marlene suggested that doctors close ranks, and they all cover for each other. That is exactly what happened. The investigator said that my comments have been noted, but the Council would not take any action; they only do something if a doctor should be struck off-that is, his (or her) registration pulled, and the right to practice is refused. Crippling someone for life apparently doesn't count. If they'd killed me-well, perhaps that would count.

This obviously depressed me-but I really was expecting it. So---I now need to decide what to do next. I clearly cannot confide in anyone at Barts!!! Next move: I need to give serious thought to it, because I don't want to get myself in the same position in which I found myself last week: not knowing if I would be chucked out of Barts and have to find another immunology service. These people get you one way or the other: whatever they do to you (or, indeed, to anyone), they are never held accountable for their actions. It sucks.

I know my friends and family tell me how awful it is over in the U.S.-but I have to say that, if this had happened at home, the case would have been settled already-and the doctors would have been chastised (too bad they couldn't have been castrated instead).

There is a way- I just need to find it, without putting myself back into the s**t!!