Shooting myself in the foot (again)

I've been thinking about depression this week-a lot. I went to the gym on Thursday and Friday, and I worked really hard. On Thursday, I got a call from the registrar at the hospital to tell me that he secured a bed for me. So...I thought about that for a couple of hours, and I decided to ring back and tell him I'm not going into the hospital - I said that if I am sick while I am away, I will just have to deal with it until I return to London. Needless to say, he wasn't very happy about my decision. It's on your head, he said (rather bleakly).

So, it looks like I might have shot myself in the foot again: I've annoyed the team at the hospital, and I could be letting myself in for trouble if I have any problems while I'm in New York. BUT-I considered the alternatives very carefully, and I decided that I don't need a week in hospital on intravenous antibiotics. What the hell - I'm already 90% antibiotics, and I don't have much time before I leave, so I want to enjoy my few days while I can, not spend them in the hospital!!

Only the passage of time will tell me if I have made the right decision. After all, I trusted the doctors two years ago, and we all know how well THAT worked for me, don't we??

I'm meeting Julia for lunch at a health food store in North London later. We met at a Pilates class years ago, and sporadically kept in touch. I say "sporadically", because Julia is one of my band of weirdos.

Now, Julia is one of the most negative, judgmental, sanctimonious people I have ever met. She is also very, very bitter-but also very secretive (I don't even know where exactly she calls home, or her home phone number, or very much about her - she won't tell me). When you look at Julia's face, you see the pinched, sour look of someone who has not been happy-probably ever. I say she is a weirdo, because the last time we had lunch together, we saw a man showcasing green tea-and Julia accosted the poor guy, practically jumping him. She wanted to know his entire history, where he lives, whether he went to Oxford-please, woman, the man is working on a display for tea, not surgery!! He looked at me in a panic, and I was finally able to get her away from him. Every time we meet up, she does this to people. Is this weird, or what??

BUT-Julia also came to visit me when I was in the hospital two years ago, and she kept pushing me to walk while I was on the ward. She was the only person who actually bothered, although she did say it was her "Christian duty" - errr...so what? She showed up, and that was, for me, really a kindness.

Is there a point to my mentioning all this? Well, of course there is!! I was thinking about our lunch meeting later, and I suddenly realized that looking at Julia is, in some ways, looking in a mirror. I don't mean physically, and I don't mean the weirdness of her accosting strangers and practically throwing herself on them to start a conversation!! I mean some of the other characteristics: she is clearly unhappy, judgmental, bitter, filled with hatred (of what or whom, I still don't know), and terribly sanctimonious. She is a religious zealot (that isn't me at all), but as for anger, unhappiness, judgment - I don't feel that I am there yet, but that would be me when taken to extremes.

I can see that my negative attitude hinders me from getting better - and I can also see that my attitude is what attracts the weirdos in the first place!!! I've dumped some of the dross from my life-most, in fact!-and I realize that I would greatly benefit from an attitude adjustment. My anger and bitterness at what happened two years ago are things I need to let go in order to move on and really see improvement. The physio told me that stress and upset work against getting back any balance - and, really, that is enough to get me motivated.

I'm not someone who lets go easily. In fact, I can hold a grudge forever-and I mean, forever. But-that doesn't serve me when it comes to that crucial 80% - so I need to work on it.

If there is a patience gene, it bypassed me at birth - and so did the forgiveness gene!!