Fairness? Justice? Certainty? On which planet?

I've thought a lot about the fairness of life - and about justice, certainty, fair play. I used to believe that things worked out in the end, that justice would be served, that if you worked very hard, and played fair, there would be a certainty in life. Well, the past two years made me realize how very naive I was to buy that stuff.

I met Julia for lunch on Saturday, and I was surprised: she behaved herself-although there was nobody around for her to jump!! Actually, it was a pleasant couple of hours, and I sat in the part when we went our separate ways; the weather behaved itself, and it was quite lovely. So I took advantage of that, and sat, and ruminated. I'm an expert at rumination, I think!

I wondered if I am still bitter, angry, filled with hatred for the people whose incompetence wrecked my life. I pondered that as I sat on a bench in the sunshine and watched runners passing by, knowing that I will never be able to do that again. The thought crossed my mind that I never did that before, so why would I really care? That thought made me smile, and I pondered the past two years and thought about all the things I learned - about myself, about the world, and, mostly, about other people.

I've decided that, if all the Eastern teachings are correct (not to mention the old New York saying that what goes around, comes around), justice is always served-in one way or another. Nobody gets off scot free, although it seems like it at the time (and how very frustrating that is!!!).

And fairness? People kill other people all the time. People abuse each other - not because they need to, but because they can. People abuse and kill innocent animals. Fairness? The jury is out on that one.

Of course, I have to have a good look at myself - and, if what goes around comes around, I wonder what I did to warrant being in this position. I don't know-but what I do know is, whatever the transgression, I have paid for it several times over. So I have to stop looking back and trying to figure it out, and let it go and move forward. That is, of course, easier said than done!!

Life is, by its' very nature, uncertain. Nobody knows what is going to happen, where we will be, how long we will live, whether a bomb will wipe us out tomorrow, or even where we will be or what we will be doing. We make plans, we make assumptions, we think we know exactly where we are going (some of us do, anyway), and then we are thrown completely off course when something unexpected happens. Our neat little existence is turned inside out and upside down.

I was skipping merrily along, having plotted my life's course, and now I'm unable to skip. In fact, I walk and fall over!! So much for skipping!!

I always start to evaluate the year during the last quarter, starting in October; I think back, and ask myself what I could have (and should have) done, what I've accomplished, what I've done well, what I haven't done so well. And I have been more than a bit down since my hour of sitting in the park, because I thought I have accomplished nothing. The truth is that I have accomplished a great deal.

I've survived - over the past two years, I have survived. As long as I keep my eyes on the goal, and keep working hard, and as long as I refuse to give up, quit, walk away-and as long as I realize that I need to develop patience (for me, that is one hell of an achievement in itself!!!), pick myself up when I get depressed (or fall over), I will get that 80% back, no matter how long it takes.

If people look at me and can't see past the walking stick, the wobbly movements, the visual difficulties (not nearly as bad as they were), then they aren't worth my time.