Once again in deep doodoo

I went home on Tuesday and started to do laundry, and cleaning, and all that boring (but necessary) stuff. Then I got "the call". This was from the registrar at the hospital, telling me that my consultant, Matt, wanted me to come in asap. I said-it's 3:30, I just can't drop everything - and I need transport to get there. Anya, her name is: very unpleasant, too. Anyway, things were finally sorted out by my GP-and, sure enough, the hospital transport didn't show up until 9:30pm. Typical NHS brilliance, I say!!!

Now-on Tuesday, I had replied to the General Medical Council's investigators, and I decided to email my chest consultant to ask her to move me out of the combined clinic she shares with-none other than Sofia Grigoriadou, the last person on this earth I want in my life. I pointed out to Lieske (chest consultant) that this woman crippled me for life, that I trusted Lieske but not Sofia, and that the only room I wanted to see Sofia in is a courtroom. I fired off that email, and, of course, actions have consequences. I didn't count on dropping myself into deepest, darkest doodoo with Matthew, my immunologist-but that is exactly what I did. And-in a big way.

On Wednesday morning, one of the registrars came to see me and told me that they wanted to take a chest scan and run tests, and that I would be under observation, but I wouldn't get any meds until they figured out what was wrong-I was glad, because I am already 99% antibiotics, so I didn't want more if I didn't need them. Fine. Then, in the afternoon, Matthew arrived, very angry, in a very pissy mood, and very combative.

He took offence at my email to Lieske (I copied it to him-more fool me!). Well, he laid into me like you wouldn't believe, calling me bullying, saying that I had no right to say things about his colleague-whom he trusted and was part of his team-and so on. He ranted for about 45 minutes, and threatened to discharge me from the service and send me back to my GP so she could find another immunology clinic. He had already called the Royal Free, which is very near where I live, he said-and they won't accept me as a patient. He suggested Addenbrooke's - in Cambridge, 60 miles away. I truly thought he lost it-not very compassionate, and not in the least bit professional. He and his registrar left, and I was in tears. I didn't know what I was going to do. I don't like going to Bart's, but I did (notice I'm using the past tense) trust Matthew as a clinician, and there was nobody else I knew. I would be starting all over again.

Thursday was not a good day. I didn't even get out of bed. I rang my GP, was told she didn't have any phone consultations until Monday-so I booked one, and told the practice manager what had happened. She was as gobsmacked as I was-and Margaret (my GP) rang me at 6pm and I told her the whole story.

I have to say that she was absolutely right. She pointed out that I am very angry and hurt, and for good reason-anyone who had this happen to them would be angry. BUT-actions have consequences. And she said that before I fire off any angry emails, I should stop, walk away, and think carefully about what I have written before I hit the send button. She asked me if I wanted her to email Matthew and say they need to talk; I asked her to wait, because he was due to come on the ward the next day, Friday.

I did try to explain why I felt the way I did-this was yesterday morning-but Matthew wasn't having it. Honestly, I was very disappointed in him; he has the compassion of a cluster bomb. He was cold, impatient, and he told me that he would treat me but that I couldn't send any more emails, and that he would treat whatever chest infection I have, but that would be it. He would not listen to anything having to do with gentamicin, other consultants, anything. And he said I could go home. My scan was good, my bloodwork was good, go home and go back to see my GP. And then he and his four registrars left.

I got home at 4pm...so happy to be there! I have to say, I could have been more diplomatic in my email to Lieske-but I have good reasons for feeling the way I do: betrayed, hard done by, and abused, both as a patient and as a human being. I have no respect for Matthew-he blew that when he had a go at me.

So there you are, the whole sorry tale. I'm glad I didn't hear back from the media. Would I ever be in shit street if anyone published that story!! I would have to move to Belfast just to see an immunologist!!!!

I believe the whole system is grossly unfair. I think that doctors should be made accountable for their actions-and be subjected to public scrutiny, so there is no cover-up and no whitewashing. In this country, there is more of a chance of being hit by a meteor than seeing changes in the law. Sad-but true.

Well- I don't know what I am going to do next- because the General Medical Council should (allegedly) be investigating my complaint, and Matthew will certainly hear about that. Then I am out. I think the best thing I can do now is follow the vestibular physiotherapist's plan: do all the exercises he gave me (bad me, I have been such a slacker!!), do everything that makes me dizzy, and as often as I can, steer clear of stress (ho, really? Easier said than done!!), drink a lot of water, get enough sleep (as if!), and try my best not to be run over by a moving vehicle. And maintain my sense of humor!!

Dr Dimples said that I can get 80% of my balance back if I keep challenging my brain to make new neural pathways-although he did say it would take a long time. So I need to focus on the goal, and leave all the rest of the recent crap behind. I'm giving myself until August to get that 80%-it's a goal, and an achievable one, I think. I also think that I can stay out of hospitals and stay away from Bart's if I start seeing myself as healthy, and focus on the positives, not the negatives.

And I will start looking at other immunology centers, just in case!!! I can't help thinking that, when the General Medical Council contacts Sofia, and Phil, and Hilary, there will be a shitstorm of epic proportions. Heh-THEN I will think about going to the media!!! My motto: never give up.