Murphy's Law: the fertilizer flies both ways

I knew that some day this would happen: I would need a lawyer. They do come in handy sometimes-and, sadly, this is one of those times. So I am going to see one this week, and ask for intervention to stop this Toyin person (I keep calling her Toilet-how appropriate is that!!) from spreading her vicious and false malicious lies. I have irrefutable proof that everything she says about me is a lie-but why should I show that to Homes for Haringey? Let's face it: most of the people who work there haven't got the brains of a turnip. And if you fired everyone who had an IQ that struggled to go into double figures, there would probably be about 5 people left, who would sit around and play cards all day. They wouldn't do any work-but nobody there ever really does any work anyway, so how would you know the difference?

I will be on my best behaviour with the lawyer-and I won't think about my cousin, or the tshirt, because I would just start laughing. I won't even think about any lawyer jokes. Oh-that reminds me, I have a favourite lawyer joke.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

There you go, I have satisfied my lawyer joke needs, and can get onto the business at hand.

I'm really still upset. Even 8 weeks of mindfulness training, designed to help us live in the present, and concentrate on the breath in order to get there, haven't helped. I concentrated on my breath so intently that I suddenly discovered that I had forgotten to breathe. Eeek!!! I guess I will have to work harder-maybe concentrate on somebody else's breath instead.

Olusoga-Toilet-can say virtually anything about me. She can call me ugly, fat, stupid-who cares? I know that I am none of those things. I have reached the age where I don't really give a rat's patootie what people think about me-MOST of the time. Occasionally I am on a downer, and then all this rubbish suddenly becomes important (at least, temporarily). She can even say I am hooking on Highgate Hill-now THAT would make me laugh so hard, I would probably wet myself. I've never seen a hooker on Highgate Hill-not that I would know one if I saw one, but as far as I know, I have never seen one. Toilet has probably never even been to Highgate Hill-it's far too upmarket for her! (do I sound a bit bitchy there? Good, that's excellent!)

When she starts to spread slanderous remarks about my mental state, then I get angry. I understand that she is doing this to save her job:a job for which she is unsuited, given that she is dishonest, unethical, has no integrity and is a vicious and nasty liar. So I am going to see if I can get a lawyer's letter-if it will do any good.

I thought I would take Homes for Haringey to court-but I have pondered this action since Thursday. We have a legal system that is so pathetic, a known and dangerous terrorist has recently been let out onto the streets-with full welfare benefits, too. The law here seems to protect the guilty, with absolutely no regard for the innocent citizens who are caught in the crossfire. So I would only be frustrated and would probably get nowhere.

My next option is the media. I don't like the idea of giving up my privacy, but I do like the idea of giving Toilet and Haringey the kind of publicity they so richly deserve. Everyone who lives in Haringey knows they are all a bunch of halfwits anyway.

I will be good as an advocate in this new charity that has just formed. I don't suffer fools, as you can tell, and I will fight for the rights of people who are unable to fight for themselves. I won't get any thanks, probably, but I don't need thanks, only the satisfaction that I have helped someone who needed it.

Huh- I should have become a lawyer. Oh, no-did I really say THAT?? Oops, I take it back, I retract it, I didn't really mean it. It's almost as bad as saying I should have become a politician.

So please, take your foot off my head.