Unsettled weather-and unsettled me

It's back to being somewhat cold and cloudy out-we did have our summer! And I have to admit that I am just as unsettled as the weather...

This has been a very weird week. Suddenly it's Saturday, and I haven't accomplished one tenth-or, maybe, one hundredth-of the things I wanted to do this week. Truthfully, I've been both tired and down. My upstairs neighbour-the neighbour from Hell, and everyone I know has stories about these kinds of people-has been playing his music (or, what HE calls music!!) throughout the night. I truly wish I could move out-but I'm not at the stage (yet!!) where I have the focus and balance I need to really start looking. Soon-I hope!!

My vestibular physiotherapist was pleased with my progress; she really encouraged me by reminding me how far I have come in nearly 19 months. So-I see her in six weeks' time, and I have to really work very hard before then, because that is supposed to be my final assessment. As long as I am accountable to her, I know I have to do the work. Every day!! No time off, no being lazy: work, work, work. If it means getting that 80% back-and, who knows, I could get more than that, because, really, nobody knows enough about the brain and its' workings to say categorically that I might-and I do mean, might-get a lot more back than I have now (well, wasn't that a run-on sentence? Oh, well!!).

I was checking out some things online - just doing nothing important - and I had this feeling. I don't know, perhaps it was a hunch of some kind, perhaps I was just reminiscing about the past (ruminating again, not the best use of my time), and I googled the photographer who took my engagement photos-about a hundred years ago, it seems. He was a great photographer-and I was shocked and horrified to see a tribute online. He died in 2005. I was upset for the rest of the day, and I can't explain that, either, since I haven't seen him in-oh, about 15 years. Looking back can be a very dangerous (and depressing) route to take, especially when you are already dealing with so much.

I moped around yesterday, and I tried to figure out what was up with me. I think I finally realized how quickly time is passing, and that life is really, really short. It doesn't matter how old we are, life is still short, and when a day goes, it is gone forever. Time is important; living each moment to the full is important, because there might not be another one.

The mindfulness/Buddhist people have it right, I think: keep your attention on the present, not the past or the future. And-if that was so easy to do, everyone would be doing it, and all the counsellors and therapists would go out of business!!

I'm doing more than walking and the other exercises I've been prescribed. Now I'm looking at every movement - head movements, especially) to see which ones cause dizziness. I've avoided doing those up until now-but I now seek them out and do them as often as possible. I'm not bonkers, honestly!! The more I do them, the harder my brain works to create new pathways so that I won't keep getting dizzy. This is what my physio tells me.

I never used to give a second thought about the brain, or my eyes, or my legs, or any abilities of any kind (like breathing, for example. You just do it, not really thinking about it). Now I realize just how lucky I am.