Revved Up and Clapped Out

I like to now think of myself as a vintage wine, or a Stradivarius: we all improve with age. Even better, a rare, classic Ferrari - okay, well, I did say that fantasies are so much more fun than reality!!

At the moment, I feel more like a clapped out old banger and less like a fabulous Ferrari. About the only thing we have in common is the need for regular servicing!! I had my lube job yesterday-and what fun it absolutely wasn't!!!

My veins are a nightmare: it is easier to get blood from a turnip than it is to get blood from one of my veins. They see a needle coming and they run for cover. They run, they wobble, and it seems like it only takes someone to breathe over them and they break. I will never be a drug addict, that's for sure!!

Sean (the gastro consultant) didn't believe me when I said he would have a hard time inserting the cannula. People never believe me until they wreck at least three veins, cause huge bruises and a great deal of pain-and then they say "oh, your veins aren't very good, are they?" as if I made the whole thing up. Grrrrr...

The short version: Sean blew a vein in my hand, and a huge lump appeared: a huge, painful lump that is very, very black and blue. He then decided to use a vein in my ankle. "okay to use your foot? Not that we have any other choice", he said with a smile. I'm such a sucker. It was either that or no sedation at all-and I'm just a devout coward.So I said okay-and he had to try twice before he found a vein that didn't collapse.

I am no longer an ankle virgin. My foot virginity has been deflowered (and I said that after he inserted the cannula, and got a big embarrassed laugh from everyone in the room: Sean, another consultant, and four nurses. Oops...). I can almost imagine them all going home and telling their families that a patient commented that she had lost her ankle virginity during a procedure. I'll bet that would make for interesting dinnertime conversation!!

So the two garden hoses went in, and the two garden hoses came out. I get the results in a month. Meanwhile, I have my lymph node biopsy tomorrow. Hopefully, nobody will screw up the vein they have to puncture to take blood before the biopsy. I think the dread of having someone mess up my arm is worse than the biopsy itself!!!!

I got home at about 6:30 last night, and immediately made myself a cup of tea-well deserved, I thought. I could eat now-so I caused severe damage to a bag of Kettle Chips! LOL!!!! That is NOT what they meant when they said go home, rest, plenty of liquids, some soft food to start with, since I have fasted for three days. Never mind: Kettle Chips are the very best. I know this because I did a taste test. I tried all the rest, and all I can say is, some were really disgusting and rancid, and some (brands) were less disgusting. But I am the master chef reviewer of the beloved potato chip: Kettle Chips are the very best of the lot.

I did actually have a boiled egg this morning, so my diet isn't a complete disgrace!! Sadly, I am still having trouble sitting down. If you had a big hosepipe shoved up your rectum, you would have trouble sitting down, too. And you might be hitting those Kettle Chips, too!! I might be over 40, and therefore invisible to the world (all women over 40 seem to become invisible), but I still eat.

I think I was a size 0 for a day. Trust me when I say it wasn't worth it!!