Tom Lehrer was right

I remember the great satirist Tom Lehrer-and, believe me, that is an ancient memory from my childhood. He said - among other things - that life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it!!

So what brings me to all this? Am I feeling a bit better today? Well, yes-I forced myself to get my act together-I went to the gym today, for the first time in many weeks. I have to hold on when I get onto the treadmill-which must be hilarious to any of the diehard exercisers who see me (not that anyone really watches, everyone is too busy working out. Allegedly.). So I feel terribly righteous. Not too fit, but righteous. And I didn't fall off once-I even worked on legs today. Next time I will do upper body. Meanwhile I can tell you that remaining upright is an amazing feat in itself. I went; good for me.

Yesterday I struggled to get out of my "low mood", as my GP calls it. So I went up the road for a coffee. And this gross looking man - bald, halitosis-just the kind who sees me and practically sprints to my side (yuck. And I do mean, yuck!!), came up behind me and put his arm around me. I've never seen this cretin before, so I shrank back-and he leaned forward, positively leering. I thought he was going to start drooling.

He said "hi babe, how are you? How is the arthritis?". I quickly pulled away-I was at the counter, another two inches and I would have been over the counter-and said, with a really withering look (and trust me, nobody withers like I can wither) "I'm fine. I don't have arthritis. So, tell me, how is your herpes?".

Obviously he let go, and turned so red I thought he was having a coronary. I got my coffee, a few people snickered (as one does), and the creep got his order and went in the opposite direction. What nerve! And how repulsive!! I should have ordered an extra shot-so I could hit him with it!!

For some reason this creature reminded me of my cousin: something about his face that makes you really, really want to hit him, and hard, too (I don't do that kind of thing, I hasten to add. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it from time to time. Fantasies are so much more fun than reality!!).

My cousin is probably the person for whom the descriptive slang term "douchebag" was invented. He's a lawyer-so that gives you an indication of the reason behind the perfect description of him as a douchebag.
First he went to law school. Then he decided he wanted to be a doctor, so he went to medical school. He defends doctors who are accused of malpractice (douchebag of the first order). And he became a pathologist, which was the perfect solution for someone who cares a lot more for dead people than for live ones. I told him years ago that his was the perfect double job: his patients couldn't talk back, and couldn't sue him for malpractice. And if someone sued him, he could defend himself. The man is completely devoid of anything remotely resembling a sense of humour. Last time I saw Jon was about seven years ago (or thereabouts). He's just such a snot!! I had a tshirt made for the occasion: it said in very large letters "TAKE A LAWYER TO LUNCH" - and underneath, in very small letters, it said "and poison him".

Jon didn't think that was funny, although all my other cousins fell about laughing. I told him that he could have saved himself many years of training, and saved his father an absolute fortune, if he had only become a funeral director. Or a gravedigger.

So there is one insight into my family-which is why I don't see them more often than once a decade. Or two. Or more, if I can help it!!

I did say I've never been the queen of diplomacy or the poster girl for tact. Didn't I? And, hey, that line about the herpes: it works like a charm when some creep tries to chat you up. Try it sometime!! :))