I'm back in this time zone-it took four days of serious jet lag, but I'm here. More or less. If I'd stayed a few days longer, I would have been grounded due to the hurricane. Part of me wishes I'd been marooned in New York!!
I have learned so much from this trip home. I realize that I have felt angry, fearful and bitter for longer than the two years and three months since the incompetent doctors at Bart's Hospital crippled and nearly killed me. I've lived in fear and survival mode since I walked out on a manipulative, bullying husband nearly ten years ago. He told me that if I left him I would never survive-and, although I set out to prove him wrong, there were times when I wondered whether I made the right decision. It was so very, very difficult!
I got the chance to look at my life - to really scrutinize it - while I was on the plane back from New York. Really, there wasn't anything else to do!! And I understood that, if I hadn't left the bully and run back to a teaching job in the States, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with toxoplasmosis (I've never had cats-so I'm still mystified as to how I developed that), and I would first have gone blind and then died. That is what toxo does in the end; it was due to a very good doctor in Pennsylvania that ordinary blood tests showed both toxo and CVID. And-I had no medical insurance, so I used all my savings on medical treatment (the best treatment, but also very expensive) and then returned to the UK. I'd lived here for so many years that I could return and seek more medical care. That was how I discovered that the seven sets of genes that should provide my immune system are defective - and only 20 people out of every million are born with no immune system. How I lived this long is still a mystery. The condition isn't contagious; I could only pass it on through pregnancy - so nobody else is at risk. And, if I do all the right things, look after myself, am vigilant (without being obsessive), I'll be okay. For awhile.
I had all this to contend with, and I was beginning to just accept that I'm the one who is responsible for my health and for looking after myself-and then the two medical incompetents destroyed (and nearly ended) my life. That was very difficult. I found forgiveness very difficult (still do), even though I know that the mistakes they made were down to incompentence and stupidity rather than any deliberate act. But I couldn't walk, or stand, or read, or drive-or even wash myself, which was really, really humiliating. So I was naturally more than a bit pissed off!!!!
I realized as I sat on the plane that I have come a long way in two years. I'm the least patient person on this earth, but patience was something I had no choice but to cultivate. As long as I am improving-even though improvement seems to have slowed to a snail's pace-I know I can do more. I must do more.
I wanted to see if I could get on and off a plane, if I could see my friends, if I could walk around without falling in front of a moving vehicle-I wanted to see if I have progressed enough to actually be able to do something that isn't sitting on my behind in a room and feeling sorry for myself. And I could. And I did.
I didn't tell my family I was coming (there is truth to the statement that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!!), but I did tell my friends. The people who are closest to me came to see me, and those who couldn't come to the hotel took the time to call. And, of course, I flew to Orlando to see NJ, for the first time in about 13 years, and I'm so glad I did that. Time doesn't always make people drift away; it can also move friends closer.
Even with jet lag for the first four days (and even with a cold sore, which was hugely embarrassing), I made myself go out. I walked-or, rather, I staggered!! I went to the mall and wandered around the shops, even though I just wanted to sit down; I pushed myself to do all the things that make me dizzy and uncomfortable. I pushed myself; I kept telling myself I could do it. I kept telling myself that I am more than a defective immune system, and that I am much more than a destroyed balance system - and I kept walking. And the fear began to subside.
I waited until the day before I was due to fly back to London-I didn't want to go into the city, because I was afraid of falling over, or of being pushed over. For some odd reason, I was really anxious and afraid. In fact, I couldn't sleep the night before I went. On the Wednesday morning, I procrastinated until it was nearly 9:30-and I decided that rush hour would be over, and I needed to learn to handle trains and crowds, regardless of the time of day. So I went. I took the bus to Jamaica Center-and it wasn't terribly crowded-and then took the E train to the World Trade Center to visit Ground Zero. It took me an hour, the trains were clean, I needn't have worried. I lit a candle in St Paul's Church and said a prayer for all the people who were murdered on that day; then I came back via 34th Street, where I just walked and dodged the crowds (it was now lunchtime, so I was really being brave!!).
I would never have attempted this trip six months ago-or even three months ago-and I didn't go everywhere I wanted to go, and I didn't see everything I wanted to see-but that will be done on my next trip. I want to go back next year, and I want to do it without needing a walking stick. I want my 80% - and I will get it, no matter how long it takes.
I feel much less afraid. In fact, I feel liberated. I did something I didn't really believe I could do. But I took the risk and did it - I don't feel obnoxiously smug, but I do feel braver and more competent (and much more secure) than I did before I left. I don't feel crippled or permanently disabled any more; I believe that we are all stronger than we think we are, and that we can do more than we think we can do-if we give ourselves the chance to prove it to ourselves.
I know that the next chest infection could be the last one-it could be the one that will carry me off. But I don't waste time in fear and doubt, in worrying about what will happen next. Time is too precious. This trip taught me that-and a lot more, besides.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying without ever having lived.
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Sunday 28 October 2012
Dazed, confused-and back in the mother country
There are people who never get jet lag-there are people who have jet lag for a day or two, and then they are fine-and then there are those of us who get absolutely slammed by horrendous jet lag in both directions and for about four days each time. That would be me! I'm still running on New York time, and I'm having a tough time writing this blog-which is why I waited until now, although there is a lot of swearing (under my breath, of course) as I keep hitting the wrong keys.
I got to JFK four hours before I was due to board; this is because I had to check out of the hotel, and my friend dropped me off early. I don't mind flying at all; it's the waiting around that irritates me! Happily, Delta will have its own terminal in May of 2013-so I don't have to check in at Terminal 2 and have a huge route march to the gate at Terminal 4!! JFK now has eight terminals-the place is massive!!
I was too tired to have a good look around all the shops when I finally reached the gate, which was in the back of beyond. I figured out why my balance was so terrible: I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night (I never can sleep the night before a flight. Nerves, I think), and everything was so heavy, I felt like a Sherpa with all my stuff. My suitcase weighed in at 54 pounds. Fifty four pounds!!! No wonder it felt heavy (LOL!). And my backpack-I weighed it out of curiosity-weighed a mere 13 pounds. Oh, well-ouch!! And, the thing is, I didn't buy that much. In fact, there were things I wanted to buy that I can't get over here, and I never got around to buying them. When I got back here, I realized that I completely forgot to get some things I felt are essential. Obviously, they weren't that essential or I would have made more of a point in finding them. Then my suitcase would have weighed 60 pounds!!!
What was interesting to me was that there were signs everywhere that Delta participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which now seems to take place every October. There were pink piggy banks on counters, in case anyone wanted to drop in some change. All the staff wore pink: there were pink sweaters, pink stripes on blouses and shirts, one supervisor wore a pink suit-even the steward on the plane wore a pink cravat. Delta went all out to show support for this-and I thought it was great. My seat was over the right wing-and as I looked out the window, I noticed that even the engines were painted pink!! I had to smile at that: pink engines, too (no wonder the cost of tickets has gone up. LOL!!). Delta went all out, and I have to say that I was very pleased about that. Nobody else did that!!
Both New York and Orlando were flooded with pink-the regulation pink that signifies Breast Cancer Awareness Month-and I felt happy that so many people were paying attention. I was proud.
The plane was delayed both ways, take off and landing. In fact, we circled Heathrow for nearly an hour, and I was beginning to think we would run out of fuel, and the passengers would have to walk!! Many passengers were growing very nervous: it was after 7am, we had been in the air about eight hours, and we were still circling the airport. But, as I wrote previously, when there is nothing you can do, you just get on with it (whatever it is).
I got back to North London at about 10:30 on Friday morning - and this time, nobody lost my suitcase. How could they, when it was too heavy to lift!!
Friday and yesterday I was pretty useless. I did my infusions yesterday, hoping that I wouldn't stab myself, since I couldn't really see what I was doing. But that turned out okay, and on both days I managed to stay awake until about 10:30pm before I crashed. My balance and vision still haven't recovered. Yet. But my GP did warn me that I would probably have balance and visual difficulties for a few days, and that is exactly what happened. I'm not worried; I should be back to normal by Tuesday (hopefully).
I wanted to celebrate surviving the last two years, reaching 50% of my balance back (a huge fight if there ever was one), and the birthdays I pretty much ignored since this gentamicin thing happened. And that is what I did: I celebrated by taking two weeks and going home. It wasn't easy, and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do while I was home-but I saw the people who are most important to me, I visited Ground Zero and lit a candle for the people who were senselessly murdered on 9/11, and I can be proud of myself for taking a risk and doing what I thought I never would be able to do.
I've learned a tremendous amount - and that was what drove me, not shopping, or sightseeing. And I will share all that I've learned when I am back in this time zone and I can write without making a lot of mistakes and swearing (I still have no cable, so I am writing from the library computers, so I can't swear out loud. I have to behave myself.LOL).
I've got some decisions to make.
I got to JFK four hours before I was due to board; this is because I had to check out of the hotel, and my friend dropped me off early. I don't mind flying at all; it's the waiting around that irritates me! Happily, Delta will have its own terminal in May of 2013-so I don't have to check in at Terminal 2 and have a huge route march to the gate at Terminal 4!! JFK now has eight terminals-the place is massive!!
I was too tired to have a good look around all the shops when I finally reached the gate, which was in the back of beyond. I figured out why my balance was so terrible: I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night (I never can sleep the night before a flight. Nerves, I think), and everything was so heavy, I felt like a Sherpa with all my stuff. My suitcase weighed in at 54 pounds. Fifty four pounds!!! No wonder it felt heavy (LOL!). And my backpack-I weighed it out of curiosity-weighed a mere 13 pounds. Oh, well-ouch!! And, the thing is, I didn't buy that much. In fact, there were things I wanted to buy that I can't get over here, and I never got around to buying them. When I got back here, I realized that I completely forgot to get some things I felt are essential. Obviously, they weren't that essential or I would have made more of a point in finding them. Then my suitcase would have weighed 60 pounds!!!
What was interesting to me was that there were signs everywhere that Delta participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which now seems to take place every October. There were pink piggy banks on counters, in case anyone wanted to drop in some change. All the staff wore pink: there were pink sweaters, pink stripes on blouses and shirts, one supervisor wore a pink suit-even the steward on the plane wore a pink cravat. Delta went all out to show support for this-and I thought it was great. My seat was over the right wing-and as I looked out the window, I noticed that even the engines were painted pink!! I had to smile at that: pink engines, too (no wonder the cost of tickets has gone up. LOL!!). Delta went all out, and I have to say that I was very pleased about that. Nobody else did that!!
Both New York and Orlando were flooded with pink-the regulation pink that signifies Breast Cancer Awareness Month-and I felt happy that so many people were paying attention. I was proud.
The plane was delayed both ways, take off and landing. In fact, we circled Heathrow for nearly an hour, and I was beginning to think we would run out of fuel, and the passengers would have to walk!! Many passengers were growing very nervous: it was after 7am, we had been in the air about eight hours, and we were still circling the airport. But, as I wrote previously, when there is nothing you can do, you just get on with it (whatever it is).
I got back to North London at about 10:30 on Friday morning - and this time, nobody lost my suitcase. How could they, when it was too heavy to lift!!
Friday and yesterday I was pretty useless. I did my infusions yesterday, hoping that I wouldn't stab myself, since I couldn't really see what I was doing. But that turned out okay, and on both days I managed to stay awake until about 10:30pm before I crashed. My balance and vision still haven't recovered. Yet. But my GP did warn me that I would probably have balance and visual difficulties for a few days, and that is exactly what happened. I'm not worried; I should be back to normal by Tuesday (hopefully).
I wanted to celebrate surviving the last two years, reaching 50% of my balance back (a huge fight if there ever was one), and the birthdays I pretty much ignored since this gentamicin thing happened. And that is what I did: I celebrated by taking two weeks and going home. It wasn't easy, and I didn't do all the things I wanted to do while I was home-but I saw the people who are most important to me, I visited Ground Zero and lit a candle for the people who were senselessly murdered on 9/11, and I can be proud of myself for taking a risk and doing what I thought I never would be able to do.
I've learned a tremendous amount - and that was what drove me, not shopping, or sightseeing. And I will share all that I've learned when I am back in this time zone and I can write without making a lot of mistakes and swearing (I still have no cable, so I am writing from the library computers, so I can't swear out loud. I have to behave myself.LOL).
I've got some decisions to make.
Thursday 25 October 2012
This isn't goodbye - it's see you later!
It's a dreary day. It's as if New York was smiling when I arrived, but is sad to see me leave. I know that is my imagination-but it makes me feel good, so what the heck!!
I'm packed and ready to go-and in a few hours I will be waiting at JFK. It's a long trip, and I am already wanting to stay here. As I said previously: the grass is always greener somewhere else.
The idea was for me to reward myself with a birthday trip home-and also to reward myself for the two year ordeal I have just come through. It was about pushing my boundaries, seeing if I could live a better life, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself.And that is exactly what I did!
I laugh at the people who say that, whatever the circumstances, whatever the disabilities or challenges, we must face them and move forward; these are the guys who say, yeah, but really, you wouldn't want to go back and change anything. They've never had real problems. They are delusional. Probably completely nuts. Definitely on Prozac.
Would I change everything if I could go back in time and change it? You betcha!! But I can't - and this trip has shown me that I can both survive and thrive, regardless. One thing I have learned the hard way: I've learned to cultivate the one trait I seem to have been born without: patience!!!!
I want my 80% now. Oh, well- I'm getting there. And I'm going to save for another trip back as soon as I can get here. And I'll do it.
I did well these two weeks-so I know that I can do just about anything. Like the man said, I'll be back!!
I'm packed and ready to go-and in a few hours I will be waiting at JFK. It's a long trip, and I am already wanting to stay here. As I said previously: the grass is always greener somewhere else.
The idea was for me to reward myself with a birthday trip home-and also to reward myself for the two year ordeal I have just come through. It was about pushing my boundaries, seeing if I could live a better life, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself.And that is exactly what I did!
I laugh at the people who say that, whatever the circumstances, whatever the disabilities or challenges, we must face them and move forward; these are the guys who say, yeah, but really, you wouldn't want to go back and change anything. They've never had real problems. They are delusional. Probably completely nuts. Definitely on Prozac.
Would I change everything if I could go back in time and change it? You betcha!! But I can't - and this trip has shown me that I can both survive and thrive, regardless. One thing I have learned the hard way: I've learned to cultivate the one trait I seem to have been born without: patience!!!!
I want my 80% now. Oh, well- I'm getting there. And I'm going to save for another trip back as soon as I can get here. And I'll do it.
I did well these two weeks-so I know that I can do just about anything. Like the man said, I'll be back!!
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Another triumph to add to the list
I didn't want to go into the city today. Honestly-I was afraid. Today was the second overcast day since I got here two weeks ago; it was supposed to rain, but it stayed dry, so that was okay. In fact, it only rained once since I arrived-the first Monday night. But it was dark, and I turn into a pumpkin as soon as it gets dark, so as far as I was concerned, that didn't count anyway!!
I pushed myself to get to Jamaica Center-and I decided to take the E train. By the time I would have arrived at any of the museums, I wouldn't have had enough time, since I really need to be out of trains and buses before the rush hour. So I stood there for a minute - and decided that I really didn't want to go shopping. I have more than enough as it is. What I really wanted to do was to visit Ground Zero. So I took the E train to the last stop: the World Trade Center. It took about an hour.
There were signs everywhere that there are 3,000 people working at the site, and that the World Trade Center Tower 1 is halfway toward the goal of 104 floors. I looked at the building that was half finished: it is truly magnificent - and shrouded in mist. Spooky.
The memorial made me shed more than a tear or two; all tourists seem to flock to the 9/11 memorial, and the architects did a superb job. I then walked across the road to St. Paul's Church; Washington prayed here before he took office as first President of the United States in 1789. And when the towers came down, the church survived. Inside are memorials to the firefighters and police who perished, as well as to all the volunteers who spent so much of their time helping others. It was very humbling, and I lit a candle for the dead. I'm not religious at all-but I really wanted to honor them in some small way.
Then I took the E train back to Penn Station, and spent an inordinate amount of time searching for a flag patch to put on my jacket. There were none to be found. So I took the train back to Jamaica, and the bus back to the hotel.
I have to say that I felt quite a sense of achievement. I was walking in midtown at lunchtime, and I can tell you (sadly) that there are as many idiots with the brains of a doorknob that there are in London. They just don't look where they're going, they don't apologize (God forbid they apologize!!), and they seem to expect you to sprint out of their way, even though it is obvious that you have a balance problem. There is a sad trait that seems to be shared by the British and New Yorkers alike.
But- the point is, I pushed the boat out, even though I really was apprehensive about going into the city; I've allowed the balance problems affect me for a very long time. I couldn't have done any of this two years ago-or even six months ago-but I persevered, and I was okay. Tired-but okay.
The museums will still be there the next time I come home. My favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble) will still be there the next time I come home. And the next time I come home will -hopefully-be next year, and I expect to be off the walking stick by then, and to have at least 80% of balance back.
I'm not invincible, or unstoppable-but I am very, very determined. And this trip has given me some of my confidence back. Even if I put myself in debtor's prison it would be worth it.
It's a good job I'm going back to Blighty tomorrow-because if I stay any longer, I will need two seats on the plane. I ate (like a horse), I drank (not a lot, just enough to know I can), and I'm happy-and I haven't been happy in a very, very long time!
I pushed myself to get to Jamaica Center-and I decided to take the E train. By the time I would have arrived at any of the museums, I wouldn't have had enough time, since I really need to be out of trains and buses before the rush hour. So I stood there for a minute - and decided that I really didn't want to go shopping. I have more than enough as it is. What I really wanted to do was to visit Ground Zero. So I took the E train to the last stop: the World Trade Center. It took about an hour.
There were signs everywhere that there are 3,000 people working at the site, and that the World Trade Center Tower 1 is halfway toward the goal of 104 floors. I looked at the building that was half finished: it is truly magnificent - and shrouded in mist. Spooky.
The memorial made me shed more than a tear or two; all tourists seem to flock to the 9/11 memorial, and the architects did a superb job. I then walked across the road to St. Paul's Church; Washington prayed here before he took office as first President of the United States in 1789. And when the towers came down, the church survived. Inside are memorials to the firefighters and police who perished, as well as to all the volunteers who spent so much of their time helping others. It was very humbling, and I lit a candle for the dead. I'm not religious at all-but I really wanted to honor them in some small way.
Then I took the E train back to Penn Station, and spent an inordinate amount of time searching for a flag patch to put on my jacket. There were none to be found. So I took the train back to Jamaica, and the bus back to the hotel.
I have to say that I felt quite a sense of achievement. I was walking in midtown at lunchtime, and I can tell you (sadly) that there are as many idiots with the brains of a doorknob that there are in London. They just don't look where they're going, they don't apologize (God forbid they apologize!!), and they seem to expect you to sprint out of their way, even though it is obvious that you have a balance problem. There is a sad trait that seems to be shared by the British and New Yorkers alike.
But- the point is, I pushed the boat out, even though I really was apprehensive about going into the city; I've allowed the balance problems affect me for a very long time. I couldn't have done any of this two years ago-or even six months ago-but I persevered, and I was okay. Tired-but okay.
The museums will still be there the next time I come home. My favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble) will still be there the next time I come home. And the next time I come home will -hopefully-be next year, and I expect to be off the walking stick by then, and to have at least 80% of balance back.
I'm not invincible, or unstoppable-but I am very, very determined. And this trip has given me some of my confidence back. Even if I put myself in debtor's prison it would be worth it.
It's a good job I'm going back to Blighty tomorrow-because if I stay any longer, I will need two seats on the plane. I ate (like a horse), I drank (not a lot, just enough to know I can), and I'm happy-and I haven't been happy in a very, very long time!
The grass is greener-and other myths
It's such a joy to be able to get online early in the morning-I could get used to this. When I get back, I should be able to do the same-provided, of course, that British Telecom has finally fixed the cables that some engineer broke so long ago that I can't remember the last time I was able to get online from home!!
Ah, British technology-from the same people that brought us the Titanic. What more can one say??
I've been keeping up with the Presidential debates, and I've been talking (briefly) to other guests in the Marriott, as well as hotel staff and my friends. And-it's interesting to me, because I hear so many people say they love London, and they could so easily live there. Ah, yes, I reply-but you've only been there on vacation. You have to have lived there, and struggled to survive there, and then you really know how difficult it is: the economy is in the toilet, there is very high crime, high unemployment, the cost of living is astronomical but the standard of living is way below ours. It isn't Four Weddings and a Funeral; there is nothing romantic about the country except scenery and the accent. And there is a strong anti-American sentiment that seems to grow stronger.
But-I also have heard some Brits say they love New York, and San Francisco (me, too), and Florida-and they would love to live over here. In fact, so many people ask me why on earth I am still living there, now that I got a divorce. That is complicated, so I'll leave it for now. But I can see how difficult it is for my own people, too. We all want what we can't have; the grass is always greener somewhere else. I hear my friend from Pennsylvania dump on America and Americans, and I find it irritating-then I remember that I do the same thing over there. So it's a case of swings and roundabouts.
My good friend NJ pointed out that there are good things and not so good things about both countries; she advised me to look for the good in the UK, since I have to stay there (for now)-and since I have spent more than half my life there. NJ is five years younger than I am-and is very, very wise. We hadn't seen each other for about 13 years, so were both a bit concerned about the Florida visit - but we are really like sisters - except for the fighting and sibling rivalry!
I live there, but my heart will always be here. I'm proud to be exactly who I am.
I did a quick recap during the night; I didn't sleep well, even though the room is very comfortable. I was very aware of the fact that tomorrow I return to London-and I don't know when I will be able to come back to the USA. I hope I can get here before Obama destroys our country-very much like Blair did to the UK. We'll see.
I arrived on Thursday and got to the hotel a little after 4pm. Even with a severe case of jet lag (that lasted until Monday afternoon!!), I just kept going. I hung out with my friend Diane, and my friends from Pennsylvania drove to see me on Sunday and Monday (the day I suddenly developed a cold sore-the first cold sore I have ever had, and I was embarrassed but still didn't let it stop me. After ten days, it is finally beginning to start to heal, and doesn't look like a huge, nasty cauliflower anymore). I was so incredibly pleased that people actually drove over a hundred miles to spend a couple of hours with me, only to have to turn around and drive back to Pennsylvania. In the UK-especially in the last two years-I have been concentrating on remaining upright, so I haven't spent time cultivating friendships. And it's difficult over there; I've met so many nutters that I am somewhat reluctant to hang out with anyone!! I think it's time I socialize more, get out there and do things that interest me. I've spent too much time concentrating on health (or lack thereof). I must admit that I'm fine being a bit of a hermit; I like my own company.
Even Florida smiled on me when I arrived on Thursday. And NJ is a gourmet cook, so I have definitely put some weight on. I kept joking that I will need two seats on the way back to London!! I've probably gained at least five pounds-but I decided to just enjoy myself, and I can lose the weight when I return on Friday morning. I'm not a gourmet cook; I'm not bad, and nobody has died from my cooking (yet)-but I'm no Julia Child (sadly). NJ also sews; give me a needle and thread, and you will get a lot of swearing and a large amount of blood spatter. Good thing I have a good dry cleaners who also repair stuff!! And we spent time on the computer, and NJ showed me a lot of things I didn't know; my computer is a new one, and I need to learn about operating it (my last Toshiba finally went to the giant computer graveyard after 12 years of great service. Boo hiss).
I came back to New York on Monday afternoon-and all flights were great, and the Delta people helped a lot-but I did have some balance issues. My GP warned that I would probably regress after flying, so I was prepared for that. I didn't do much on Monday, and yesterday I walked over to Diane's (a mile and a half) and hung out for awhile; we went to a park near her house, and sat and watched the ducks. It was very peaceful, and I realized that, balance or not, I felt quite happy. Diane, her husband and I went to dinner at TGI Fridays last night-and that will be my last big meal while I'm here in New York. Portion sizes have decreased in an effort to stop the obesity problem-one that the UK shares (more than 40% of UK residents are morbidly obese, so the percentage per capita is about the same in both countries).
Today I am going to be brave and take the bus to the train, and take the train into the city. I don't know how I will react (balance-wise) - but I want to see if I can get to one of the museums. The Metropolitan is a bit far for me (this trip)-anyway, we will see how well I do.
I'm determined not to let this balance problem stop me. This trip is my gift to myself. I didn't really celebrate my birthday for the last few years, so this is my birthday present. It's also an acknowledgment of my two-year fight to both survive and to get as much of my balance back as possible. I refuse to let this setback (as major as it is) to dictate my happiness, and my ability to live a good life. I'm off to the city; as what's his name said: I'll be back!!!
Ah, British technology-from the same people that brought us the Titanic. What more can one say??
I've been keeping up with the Presidential debates, and I've been talking (briefly) to other guests in the Marriott, as well as hotel staff and my friends. And-it's interesting to me, because I hear so many people say they love London, and they could so easily live there. Ah, yes, I reply-but you've only been there on vacation. You have to have lived there, and struggled to survive there, and then you really know how difficult it is: the economy is in the toilet, there is very high crime, high unemployment, the cost of living is astronomical but the standard of living is way below ours. It isn't Four Weddings and a Funeral; there is nothing romantic about the country except scenery and the accent. And there is a strong anti-American sentiment that seems to grow stronger.
But-I also have heard some Brits say they love New York, and San Francisco (me, too), and Florida-and they would love to live over here. In fact, so many people ask me why on earth I am still living there, now that I got a divorce. That is complicated, so I'll leave it for now. But I can see how difficult it is for my own people, too. We all want what we can't have; the grass is always greener somewhere else. I hear my friend from Pennsylvania dump on America and Americans, and I find it irritating-then I remember that I do the same thing over there. So it's a case of swings and roundabouts.
My good friend NJ pointed out that there are good things and not so good things about both countries; she advised me to look for the good in the UK, since I have to stay there (for now)-and since I have spent more than half my life there. NJ is five years younger than I am-and is very, very wise. We hadn't seen each other for about 13 years, so were both a bit concerned about the Florida visit - but we are really like sisters - except for the fighting and sibling rivalry!
I live there, but my heart will always be here. I'm proud to be exactly who I am.
I did a quick recap during the night; I didn't sleep well, even though the room is very comfortable. I was very aware of the fact that tomorrow I return to London-and I don't know when I will be able to come back to the USA. I hope I can get here before Obama destroys our country-very much like Blair did to the UK. We'll see.
I arrived on Thursday and got to the hotel a little after 4pm. Even with a severe case of jet lag (that lasted until Monday afternoon!!), I just kept going. I hung out with my friend Diane, and my friends from Pennsylvania drove to see me on Sunday and Monday (the day I suddenly developed a cold sore-the first cold sore I have ever had, and I was embarrassed but still didn't let it stop me. After ten days, it is finally beginning to start to heal, and doesn't look like a huge, nasty cauliflower anymore). I was so incredibly pleased that people actually drove over a hundred miles to spend a couple of hours with me, only to have to turn around and drive back to Pennsylvania. In the UK-especially in the last two years-I have been concentrating on remaining upright, so I haven't spent time cultivating friendships. And it's difficult over there; I've met so many nutters that I am somewhat reluctant to hang out with anyone!! I think it's time I socialize more, get out there and do things that interest me. I've spent too much time concentrating on health (or lack thereof). I must admit that I'm fine being a bit of a hermit; I like my own company.
Even Florida smiled on me when I arrived on Thursday. And NJ is a gourmet cook, so I have definitely put some weight on. I kept joking that I will need two seats on the way back to London!! I've probably gained at least five pounds-but I decided to just enjoy myself, and I can lose the weight when I return on Friday morning. I'm not a gourmet cook; I'm not bad, and nobody has died from my cooking (yet)-but I'm no Julia Child (sadly). NJ also sews; give me a needle and thread, and you will get a lot of swearing and a large amount of blood spatter. Good thing I have a good dry cleaners who also repair stuff!! And we spent time on the computer, and NJ showed me a lot of things I didn't know; my computer is a new one, and I need to learn about operating it (my last Toshiba finally went to the giant computer graveyard after 12 years of great service. Boo hiss).
I came back to New York on Monday afternoon-and all flights were great, and the Delta people helped a lot-but I did have some balance issues. My GP warned that I would probably regress after flying, so I was prepared for that. I didn't do much on Monday, and yesterday I walked over to Diane's (a mile and a half) and hung out for awhile; we went to a park near her house, and sat and watched the ducks. It was very peaceful, and I realized that, balance or not, I felt quite happy. Diane, her husband and I went to dinner at TGI Fridays last night-and that will be my last big meal while I'm here in New York. Portion sizes have decreased in an effort to stop the obesity problem-one that the UK shares (more than 40% of UK residents are morbidly obese, so the percentage per capita is about the same in both countries).
Today I am going to be brave and take the bus to the train, and take the train into the city. I don't know how I will react (balance-wise) - but I want to see if I can get to one of the museums. The Metropolitan is a bit far for me (this trip)-anyway, we will see how well I do.
I'm determined not to let this balance problem stop me. This trip is my gift to myself. I didn't really celebrate my birthday for the last few years, so this is my birthday present. It's also an acknowledgment of my two-year fight to both survive and to get as much of my balance back as possible. I refuse to let this setback (as major as it is) to dictate my happiness, and my ability to live a good life. I'm off to the city; as what's his name said: I'll be back!!!
Monday 22 October 2012
And another thing I learned
Security people at JFK and Orlando have no sense of humor. NEVER say "hola" to a security person. Not even to be friendly. Especially do not say "hola,wanker", no matter how rude they are. Say it silently (I did. Several times. I nearly hit one with my walking stick. Accidentally, of course).
Airport security people have a tough job-but that is a crappy excuse.
I had to show my passport at Orlando in order to be allowed to get past security. The guy was nasty-but I think that's why they hire people like him.
I said: it's my birthday. And it is also the first time I have been on a plane since my accident. He harrumphed. He really harrumphed. Nobody harrumphs these days. So I said: you could just wish me a happy birthday. And he looked at me like I have three heads, one of which is probably detachable-and he smiled. Well-it might have been a grimace; it was very hard to tell. Happy birthday, have a good flight, he said.
I smiled broadly and said thanks, I will. I probably ruined his entire day.
Airport security people have a tough job-but that is a crappy excuse.
I had to show my passport at Orlando in order to be allowed to get past security. The guy was nasty-but I think that's why they hire people like him.
I said: it's my birthday. And it is also the first time I have been on a plane since my accident. He harrumphed. He really harrumphed. Nobody harrumphs these days. So I said: you could just wish me a happy birthday. And he looked at me like I have three heads, one of which is probably detachable-and he smiled. Well-it might have been a grimace; it was very hard to tell. Happy birthday, have a good flight, he said.
I smiled broadly and said thanks, I will. I probably ruined his entire day.
Off to see the Wizard
I got to Orlando without any kind of incident.
JFK and Orlando Airport both have heavy security - they do the usual: everything in little boxes to be sent through the scanners (including shoes). But-they also have a large machine that xrays every passenger. You walk into it, stand with arms over your head, glass doors close, and a few seconds later, you're done. Probably irradiated for the next fifty years, but done.
I asked someone if this was an xray machine-because there are no notices of any kind. When I was told yes, and the scan was over, I asked how my lungs are. The security people weren't amused. I was (clearly) but they weren't. And I had needles and syrings in my backpack-and it was like Heathrow: nobody said a thing. I must look very innocent. Well-I AM very innocent! Even with the walking stick!!
I got to Orlando Thursday afternoon, and my friend NJ was waiting for me. We both teared up - because, although we talk all the time, we haven't seen each other in thirteen years. I have a strong feeling that true friendship isn't diminished by the passing of time-and I was absolutely right this time.
I had a wonderful time with NJ and her dogs, and her cats, too. We hung out. We walked the dogs-and I walked without the stick. I didn't fall over once. So I know that, even with jet lag for the first four days, and even spending two hours (and a bit) on a plane, I was pretty much okay.
We went to the Bose store-because I wanted to buy a pair of Bose headphones. Extravagant? Yes-but I realized before I got on the plane from Heathrow that I am rewarding myself for surviving the last two years.
I survived. I've made it this far, and I will get to that magic 80%, and I don't care how long it takes. What is important is that I took the risk, I made the decision, and I didn't sit on my behind and complain about my bad luck (well, I did, but only for the first 20 months or so. Then I was too bored to continue).
We shared a beautiful bottle of champagne last night, since it was my last night in Orlando for awhile.
But there is one thing I know for certain: it won't be another 13 years (hopefully not even another 13 months!) before I get on a plane again and go to visit NJ in Orlando.
As the saying goes: I'll be back! (who said that again? Oh, yeah: somebody who is a lot older than I am!!!LOL)
JFK and Orlando Airport both have heavy security - they do the usual: everything in little boxes to be sent through the scanners (including shoes). But-they also have a large machine that xrays every passenger. You walk into it, stand with arms over your head, glass doors close, and a few seconds later, you're done. Probably irradiated for the next fifty years, but done.
I asked someone if this was an xray machine-because there are no notices of any kind. When I was told yes, and the scan was over, I asked how my lungs are. The security people weren't amused. I was (clearly) but they weren't. And I had needles and syrings in my backpack-and it was like Heathrow: nobody said a thing. I must look very innocent. Well-I AM very innocent! Even with the walking stick!!
I got to Orlando Thursday afternoon, and my friend NJ was waiting for me. We both teared up - because, although we talk all the time, we haven't seen each other in thirteen years. I have a strong feeling that true friendship isn't diminished by the passing of time-and I was absolutely right this time.
I had a wonderful time with NJ and her dogs, and her cats, too. We hung out. We walked the dogs-and I walked without the stick. I didn't fall over once. So I know that, even with jet lag for the first four days, and even spending two hours (and a bit) on a plane, I was pretty much okay.
We went to the Bose store-because I wanted to buy a pair of Bose headphones. Extravagant? Yes-but I realized before I got on the plane from Heathrow that I am rewarding myself for surviving the last two years.
I survived. I've made it this far, and I will get to that magic 80%, and I don't care how long it takes. What is important is that I took the risk, I made the decision, and I didn't sit on my behind and complain about my bad luck (well, I did, but only for the first 20 months or so. Then I was too bored to continue).
We shared a beautiful bottle of champagne last night, since it was my last night in Orlando for awhile.
But there is one thing I know for certain: it won't be another 13 years (hopefully not even another 13 months!) before I get on a plane again and go to visit NJ in Orlando.
As the saying goes: I'll be back! (who said that again? Oh, yeah: somebody who is a lot older than I am!!!LOL)
Thursday 18 October 2012
And another thing I've learned
I thought about what I've learned so far. I don't just mean that, at the worst possible second, I suddenly develop a cold sore that looks like I've got some dreadful disease!!
My friend NJ said once that bad things happen to good people. I think that's true, even though all the trendy books say that we generate the energy to pull things to us - blah, blah, blah. Those are clearly written by people who have never had any traumatic experiences in their lives-and they get very rich after writing such stuff.
Whatever! It stops being so important to place blame, and to be angry about who did what to whom, when, why, etc. I think it's more important to take risks-and that's what I've been doing. I hemorrhaged my savings (because I'm not able to work yet, so that's how I support myself) to get here; it's very important and very special, after the two years I've had just surviving and not living.
I can now honestly say that my epitaph should read "she lived". Oh, and don't write that yet, because I plan on being around for a long, long time!!!
On my way to JFK in an hour-so ciao!!!
My friend NJ said once that bad things happen to good people. I think that's true, even though all the trendy books say that we generate the energy to pull things to us - blah, blah, blah. Those are clearly written by people who have never had any traumatic experiences in their lives-and they get very rich after writing such stuff.
Whatever! It stops being so important to place blame, and to be angry about who did what to whom, when, why, etc. I think it's more important to take risks-and that's what I've been doing. I hemorrhaged my savings (because I'm not able to work yet, so that's how I support myself) to get here; it's very important and very special, after the two years I've had just surviving and not living.
I can now honestly say that my epitaph should read "she lived". Oh, and don't write that yet, because I plan on being around for a long, long time!!!
On my way to JFK in an hour-so ciao!!!
Onward, upward, and skyward!
I'm packing. Again. I'm taking my very overstuffed suitcase, my cauliflower mouth (honestly, if I can see it, everyone can see it. I look like something out of The Walking Dead), my walking stick (a good weapon, that-and legal, too), and I'm headed for Orlando for the weekend.
The weather here has been great - and I'm in for very hot and sticky weather in Florida. I don't do hot and sticky; I'm most definitely a hot-weather person. But I get to see my good friend NJ, and this trip home is really more about seeing the people who are most important in my life than it is about shopping (or sweating, for that matter!).
I've done really well in the week since I arrived. You see, it's true that you can do just about anything if you really push yourself. Now we'll see how I do in Florida. So I will be back on Monday, and give an update. I'll be several pounds heavier, too!!
The weather here has been great - and I'm in for very hot and sticky weather in Florida. I don't do hot and sticky; I'm most definitely a hot-weather person. But I get to see my good friend NJ, and this trip home is really more about seeing the people who are most important in my life than it is about shopping (or sweating, for that matter!).
I've done really well in the week since I arrived. You see, it's true that you can do just about anything if you really push yourself. Now we'll see how I do in Florida. So I will be back on Monday, and give an update. I'll be several pounds heavier, too!!
Wednesday 17 October 2012
A learning experience if there ever was one!
Like I said, everyone (almost) has come to visit. I'm so glad! I realize how much I miss home and my friends. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. And my friends have helped me through the past two years, I can tell you that!!
I emailed someone I knew (I'll just use his initial:T) to let him know I'm in New York until Thursday. We used to be members of the same committees years ago; I didn't know that he fancied me then (he told me later on, and when I asked why he'd never mentioned it, he said he thought I knew. Duh! How did I miss that??). We decided to meet for lunch on Monday (just gone).
Well, I woke up on Monday morning with something I've never had before: a cold sore! I could not believe it: my mouth hurt during the night, and -because I've never had a cold sore before-I just thought my lips were very chapped. I looked in the mirror,and I wanted to cry. There was this lump on my lip-and, to me, it looked like I was about to sprout a cauliflower. It looked horrible. Here I was, meeting a man I'd fancied (and who had fancied me), and I had a bloody cold sore!! Eeeek!!
So I walked to the pharmacy (only about 1.5 miles, and I like the walk, since I couldn't do even 20 feet for the first 18 months), showed the pharmacist, and she confirmed that it was, indeed, a cold sore. I bought some medicine, but she told me the thing wouldn't be healed for 3-5 days. Oh,my
God!! I just looked at her: wasn't there something to work in, say, three hours? Nope. Tough luck. I had a fat lip, and it was going to stay that way for a few days.
Well, here is the short(ish) version. T arrived a bit earlier than I thought, which was good. He gave me a hug. Also good. He'd driven from Philadelphia, and didn't want to stop for a coffee, or a chat; he wanted to go straight to lunch. Not so good. And we sat in the restaurant, he took a phone call, asked the caller to call in two hours. Not a good sign. I remember dating (I'm going back years!), and to get out of something, we (university students) would get someone to call and say there was an emergency. If we were happy on the date, we just said it was nothing important. If we wanted to get out of it, we said, sorry, there is an emergency. It's easier these days, since everyone has a mobile phone!!
We didn't talk much during the meal-most people don't say a lot, I think. They're too busy eating. After we were finished, he drove me back to the hotel. I really would have liked to sit and talk; he took this fabulous trip across the USA, and I wanted to hear more. But no, he wanted to get back. And it was very clear to me that he didn't fancy me at all. Well-that ship sailed a long time ago, I guess. (in this case, fancying went one way only. Bummer!)
He did have a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me-but gave me a hug, said I should let him know next time I'm back in the US, and off he went.
I'm really surprised that the whole situation really depressed me! So I sat and thought about it, and I realized that everyone moves on; we all evolve, feelings change, people start to live (and think and feel) differently. Nothing remains the same: not people, and not situations. We all have to move forward and leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
That was a real eye-opener; I have spent two years (and a bit) in survival mode, just working at gaining back at least some of what I lost. And now I've decided that it's time to get out of survival mode and into living a real life mode...it isn't easy, but most things aren't.
I was going to go into the city today - but I've got a lot to do before I go to Orlando tomorrow. My closest friend lives just south of Orlando, and I'm going to see her for a long weekend. I'm so excited, I can hardly wait.
I've learned so much since I got here last Thursday - and I learn more every day. I think it's important to challenge yourself - to do what you think (and what other people tell you) you can't do. I do get dizzy. I've had some episodes of vertigo, but I haven't fallen over. Even with severe jet lag, I've been very wobbly (walking) at times, but I haven't fallen. That is a first.
I keep challenging myself, regardless of the circumstances and what is happening around me. I was afraid to make the trip to New York - but (except for the baggage going missing for two hours) I'm so glad I decided to face up to my fears and do it anyway. Now I'm flying to Orlando tomorrow.
What the heck - we only live once, so why not take risks and enjoy life? I'm sure I will learn more before I return to Blighty next week. Right now, everything is both a challenge and a lesson - and I am so, so glad I'm here. I still love New York. I love my country (even though the government sucks, and there are things that the government does that are simply reprehensible) -
I will always be American. I will always be a New Yorker. And I won't ever apologize for that to anyone. I wish some of my own people would stop doing that.
I emailed someone I knew (I'll just use his initial:T) to let him know I'm in New York until Thursday. We used to be members of the same committees years ago; I didn't know that he fancied me then (he told me later on, and when I asked why he'd never mentioned it, he said he thought I knew. Duh! How did I miss that??). We decided to meet for lunch on Monday (just gone).
Well, I woke up on Monday morning with something I've never had before: a cold sore! I could not believe it: my mouth hurt during the night, and -because I've never had a cold sore before-I just thought my lips were very chapped. I looked in the mirror,and I wanted to cry. There was this lump on my lip-and, to me, it looked like I was about to sprout a cauliflower. It looked horrible. Here I was, meeting a man I'd fancied (and who had fancied me), and I had a bloody cold sore!! Eeeek!!
So I walked to the pharmacy (only about 1.5 miles, and I like the walk, since I couldn't do even 20 feet for the first 18 months), showed the pharmacist, and she confirmed that it was, indeed, a cold sore. I bought some medicine, but she told me the thing wouldn't be healed for 3-5 days. Oh,my
God!! I just looked at her: wasn't there something to work in, say, three hours? Nope. Tough luck. I had a fat lip, and it was going to stay that way for a few days.
Well, here is the short(ish) version. T arrived a bit earlier than I thought, which was good. He gave me a hug. Also good. He'd driven from Philadelphia, and didn't want to stop for a coffee, or a chat; he wanted to go straight to lunch. Not so good. And we sat in the restaurant, he took a phone call, asked the caller to call in two hours. Not a good sign. I remember dating (I'm going back years!), and to get out of something, we (university students) would get someone to call and say there was an emergency. If we were happy on the date, we just said it was nothing important. If we wanted to get out of it, we said, sorry, there is an emergency. It's easier these days, since everyone has a mobile phone!!
We didn't talk much during the meal-most people don't say a lot, I think. They're too busy eating. After we were finished, he drove me back to the hotel. I really would have liked to sit and talk; he took this fabulous trip across the USA, and I wanted to hear more. But no, he wanted to get back. And it was very clear to me that he didn't fancy me at all. Well-that ship sailed a long time ago, I guess. (in this case, fancying went one way only. Bummer!)
He did have a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me-but gave me a hug, said I should let him know next time I'm back in the US, and off he went.
I'm really surprised that the whole situation really depressed me! So I sat and thought about it, and I realized that everyone moves on; we all evolve, feelings change, people start to live (and think and feel) differently. Nothing remains the same: not people, and not situations. We all have to move forward and leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
That was a real eye-opener; I have spent two years (and a bit) in survival mode, just working at gaining back at least some of what I lost. And now I've decided that it's time to get out of survival mode and into living a real life mode...it isn't easy, but most things aren't.
I was going to go into the city today - but I've got a lot to do before I go to Orlando tomorrow. My closest friend lives just south of Orlando, and I'm going to see her for a long weekend. I'm so excited, I can hardly wait.
I've learned so much since I got here last Thursday - and I learn more every day. I think it's important to challenge yourself - to do what you think (and what other people tell you) you can't do. I do get dizzy. I've had some episodes of vertigo, but I haven't fallen over. Even with severe jet lag, I've been very wobbly (walking) at times, but I haven't fallen. That is a first.
I keep challenging myself, regardless of the circumstances and what is happening around me. I was afraid to make the trip to New York - but (except for the baggage going missing for two hours) I'm so glad I decided to face up to my fears and do it anyway. Now I'm flying to Orlando tomorrow.
What the heck - we only live once, so why not take risks and enjoy life? I'm sure I will learn more before I return to Blighty next week. Right now, everything is both a challenge and a lesson - and I am so, so glad I'm here. I still love New York. I love my country (even though the government sucks, and there are things that the government does that are simply reprehensible) -
I will always be American. I will always be a New Yorker. And I won't ever apologize for that to anyone. I wish some of my own people would stop doing that.
Tuesday 16 October 2012
Que pasa, plonker?
Okay, still practicing my Spanish-now I wish I had moved to Spain for a year or two and learned the language-actually, when I was a teenager, I remember one of my father's patients coming into the office and declaring that she was moving to Puerto Rico to work in a hotel. She spoke no Spanish; she didn't speak very good English, either (she was Russian). I thought how brave of her!!!
Don't you know she came back for a visit a year later, came in for a checkup, and looked fantastic! I was there at the time, taking over for my father's nurse (out sick)-and Alice spoke fluent Spanish. I certainly made a big mistake!! I could have been bilingual. Plonker? Hmmmmm, not really. I went off to university instead - and my life has been pretty good! (I still wish I'd learned a second language!)
I've seen nearly everyone, jet lag or no jet lag. I went to the mall on Friday-and I went on my own-and took the afternoon to seek out some things I need that I can't find over in the UK. I didn't find everything I wanted, but I still have time!
I hung out with my friend Diane on Saturday, and we went to this store-you would not believe this store!! It is huge - bigger than the superstores in the UK, and they don't sell clothing, or toasters, or anything like that. They sell food. And the food is incredibly fresh-rows and rows of fruit, and vegetables, whole aisles devoted to olive oils - olive oils!!! I didn't know there were so many olive oils. There was even an entire section devoted to pickles. So I bought a few half sour pickles - they don't exist over in the UK. Amazing!! I have now satisfied my pickle needs...And I've been having a bagel (a real bagel, not the disgusting garbage the Brits serve up and call a bagel) for breakfast every morning. So I've satisfied my bagel needs, too!!
I'm waiting for Diane to collect me so we can go and explore a store called BJs-it's like Costco (which is now in the UK). I like going through those places, even though I probably won't buy anything.
There is so much more to tell-and I'll get back online later.
Don't you know she came back for a visit a year later, came in for a checkup, and looked fantastic! I was there at the time, taking over for my father's nurse (out sick)-and Alice spoke fluent Spanish. I certainly made a big mistake!! I could have been bilingual. Plonker? Hmmmmm, not really. I went off to university instead - and my life has been pretty good! (I still wish I'd learned a second language!)
I've seen nearly everyone, jet lag or no jet lag. I went to the mall on Friday-and I went on my own-and took the afternoon to seek out some things I need that I can't find over in the UK. I didn't find everything I wanted, but I still have time!
I hung out with my friend Diane on Saturday, and we went to this store-you would not believe this store!! It is huge - bigger than the superstores in the UK, and they don't sell clothing, or toasters, or anything like that. They sell food. And the food is incredibly fresh-rows and rows of fruit, and vegetables, whole aisles devoted to olive oils - olive oils!!! I didn't know there were so many olive oils. There was even an entire section devoted to pickles. So I bought a few half sour pickles - they don't exist over in the UK. Amazing!! I have now satisfied my pickle needs...And I've been having a bagel (a real bagel, not the disgusting garbage the Brits serve up and call a bagel) for breakfast every morning. So I've satisfied my bagel needs, too!!
I'm waiting for Diane to collect me so we can go and explore a store called BJs-it's like Costco (which is now in the UK). I like going through those places, even though I probably won't buy anything.
There is so much more to tell-and I'll get back online later.
Sunday 14 October 2012
Hola, cupcakes!
I'm still very jet lagged - presumably I'll be back in the same NY time zone by-Christmas. Which year, I have no idea!!
I arrived on Thursday afternoon. The flight was fine, and I got to JFK only to find that the baggage handlers had lost my luggage. So - it took someone two hours to scour the airport to find it. Whew-I thought I was doomed to wear the same clothes for a couple of days - and the airline would have to pay for a new wardrobe!!
That was the worst part of my trip over here - except, of course, for the horrendous jet lag. I've been awake at some ungodly hour in the middle of the night- every night!!
I arrived to find that everyone (or, nearly everyone, it seemed) spoke Spanish. When did people stop speaking English? It was very frustrating for me. I took four years of Spanish in high school, and when I went off to university, I forgot everything I'd learned. The teacher at that time made a good point: if you want to learn a foreign language, go to that country and learn from the people, not from a book. Who speaks textbook Spanish in the real world? Or any language, for that matter!!
I can get as far as: hola, prat. Or, que pasa, wanker? Of course, I can't say that to anyone from the UK, or anyone who has visited the UK - not a good idea, that's for sure!! I do, however, recommend that if you want to use those two expressions (two of my favorites, by the way), say them in some language that nobody will understand - like, maybe, Klingon.
Always swear at someone with a smile - then run.
Things are going well - except that my balance has been completely kaput since Thursday. I was warned this would happen: my GP and Dr Dimples both told me to expect that all my symptoms would be intensified, but that this would pass after a few days. So I am staying well away from traffic!! And-people seem to avoid me. I think they probably think I'm either drunk or on drugs!!
Perhaps I should look at that as a bonus!
When I left Heathrow, it was foggy and damp and dreary - the usual!! After the lost luggage panic, and when I'd recovered a bit, I went out of the airport to see my friend waiting for me. And it was beautifully cool and sunny - it's been beautifully cool and sunny ever since.
I'm in New York. And New York greeted me with a smile. What else can anyone ask for?
I arrived on Thursday afternoon. The flight was fine, and I got to JFK only to find that the baggage handlers had lost my luggage. So - it took someone two hours to scour the airport to find it. Whew-I thought I was doomed to wear the same clothes for a couple of days - and the airline would have to pay for a new wardrobe!!
That was the worst part of my trip over here - except, of course, for the horrendous jet lag. I've been awake at some ungodly hour in the middle of the night- every night!!
I arrived to find that everyone (or, nearly everyone, it seemed) spoke Spanish. When did people stop speaking English? It was very frustrating for me. I took four years of Spanish in high school, and when I went off to university, I forgot everything I'd learned. The teacher at that time made a good point: if you want to learn a foreign language, go to that country and learn from the people, not from a book. Who speaks textbook Spanish in the real world? Or any language, for that matter!!
I can get as far as: hola, prat. Or, que pasa, wanker? Of course, I can't say that to anyone from the UK, or anyone who has visited the UK - not a good idea, that's for sure!! I do, however, recommend that if you want to use those two expressions (two of my favorites, by the way), say them in some language that nobody will understand - like, maybe, Klingon.
Always swear at someone with a smile - then run.
Things are going well - except that my balance has been completely kaput since Thursday. I was warned this would happen: my GP and Dr Dimples both told me to expect that all my symptoms would be intensified, but that this would pass after a few days. So I am staying well away from traffic!! And-people seem to avoid me. I think they probably think I'm either drunk or on drugs!!
Perhaps I should look at that as a bonus!
When I left Heathrow, it was foggy and damp and dreary - the usual!! After the lost luggage panic, and when I'd recovered a bit, I went out of the airport to see my friend waiting for me. And it was beautifully cool and sunny - it's been beautifully cool and sunny ever since.
I'm in New York. And New York greeted me with a smile. What else can anyone ask for?
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Hasta la vista, baby!
It is just about time to leave - I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. In fact, I am apprehensive to the point of terror...I don't know why, but I suspect it is due to the fact that I haven't been anywhere in three years. I was due to go to the US two years ago-but we all know how well that worked out!!
I'm packing. Frantically packing. I finally made lists last night: what to take, what to buy, what I need to do before I leave...and I'm still scared. I can't help thinking I will forget something crucial, and I'll get to the airport and won't be able to leave. Silly, eh?
I'm not worried about flying - I'm worried about landing. It's the landing that'll kill you!
I'm just joking. Really! My worry is that I will get to Heathrow and security will jump me because of needles, syringes and a nebulizer they have never seen before - and I'm afraid they'll cart me off to prison, or somewhere, and start ripping everything apart because they think I might be carrying a bomb. Eeeek-they will see medication and read my consultant's letter-so they should (in theory) let it go, and start looking for real terrorists! Who knows, though?
I will write from New York. I always have jet lag in both directions, so I will probably be awake all night for a couple of nights-I will certainly be awake very, very early!! And the hotel has a fitness center-so I will be able to work out and do my exercises.
Do I have the discipline and motivation to work out while I'm on holiday? I have to; my balance will be completely gone, this I already have been told by Dr Dimples, my lovely (but, sadly, married, so no longer attractive!) neurologist. So I need to do some compensation work very quickly, so I don't suddenly topple over in front of a moving bus.
I will be very careful while I'm there-I'm thinking about the medical bills if anything should happen (and that, believe me, makes me shudder just to think about it). I'm also thinking about all the food! Oh, yum!! My friend Diane works on Fridays, so (jet lag notwithstanding) I will be headed for Zabar's Deli on the upper East side. And Barnes & Noble, the best bookstore in the world. When I'm not seeing my friends - or working out, or stuffing my face - I can be found at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or the MOMA, or the Guggenheim.
I'll have a great time once I stop myself from being so needlessly fearful. I'll see my friends. I'll go to museums. I'll hit the bookstores. And - I'll eat! I might need two seats on the plane back to Blighty-but who cares!!
We all only live once, so - hasta la vista, baby!!
I'm packing. Frantically packing. I finally made lists last night: what to take, what to buy, what I need to do before I leave...and I'm still scared. I can't help thinking I will forget something crucial, and I'll get to the airport and won't be able to leave. Silly, eh?
I'm not worried about flying - I'm worried about landing. It's the landing that'll kill you!
I'm just joking. Really! My worry is that I will get to Heathrow and security will jump me because of needles, syringes and a nebulizer they have never seen before - and I'm afraid they'll cart me off to prison, or somewhere, and start ripping everything apart because they think I might be carrying a bomb. Eeeek-they will see medication and read my consultant's letter-so they should (in theory) let it go, and start looking for real terrorists! Who knows, though?
I will write from New York. I always have jet lag in both directions, so I will probably be awake all night for a couple of nights-I will certainly be awake very, very early!! And the hotel has a fitness center-so I will be able to work out and do my exercises.
Do I have the discipline and motivation to work out while I'm on holiday? I have to; my balance will be completely gone, this I already have been told by Dr Dimples, my lovely (but, sadly, married, so no longer attractive!) neurologist. So I need to do some compensation work very quickly, so I don't suddenly topple over in front of a moving bus.
I will be very careful while I'm there-I'm thinking about the medical bills if anything should happen (and that, believe me, makes me shudder just to think about it). I'm also thinking about all the food! Oh, yum!! My friend Diane works on Fridays, so (jet lag notwithstanding) I will be headed for Zabar's Deli on the upper East side. And Barnes & Noble, the best bookstore in the world. When I'm not seeing my friends - or working out, or stuffing my face - I can be found at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or the MOMA, or the Guggenheim.
I'll have a great time once I stop myself from being so needlessly fearful. I'll see my friends. I'll go to museums. I'll hit the bookstores. And - I'll eat! I might need two seats on the plane back to Blighty-but who cares!!
We all only live once, so - hasta la vista, baby!!
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Road Trip
I've got a couple of days left before I leave for New York-and so much to do!! I wanted to start preparing last week - but, hey, I'm the world's biggest procrastinator.
I've been finding it really difficult; we've had a lot of rain in the last week-of course, this is England, after all!! I normally don't mind rain (as long as I'm not caught without an umbrella when I need to be somewhere), but my balance is badly affected.Still, it isn't as bad as it was last year.
I'm quite amazed that I am doing this: going abroad, when I don't really know how my body will react to air travel (not to mention airline food!!). My friend is staying at my place while I'm gone (a little holiday of her own), so she gets to hear the neighbor from Hell - that will be interesting. It really isn't that gripping.
I've already rung the airline to tell them about taking all my meds and my nebulizer, needles and syringes onboard. They did say I should only carry what I need to nebulize on the plane-but I said that I need to carry everything, just in case my suitcase ends up in Brazil and I'm in New York, in deep doodoo without my drugs. That didn't go down too well, but we will see what happens when I get to the airport. They did tell me to arrive three hours before my flight-because going through security is very, very slow.
Personally, it's a pain, but I would rather security be tight (and slow) than sit on a plane that decides to explode halfway there!!
I remember flying back from New York to Heathrow many years ago. I sat in a window seat, and there was a woman sitting next to me who was gripping the armrests so hard, her knuckles went white-so did her face. I asked her if she was okay...and she said she is terrified of flying, but her daughter just had a baby, so she wanted to see her family. I remember asking her not to throw up if at all possible-because that would make me throw up, and we would probably have an epidemic of puking.
So, we took off from JFK, and we weren't in the air for more than twenty minutes when there was a loud bang. I looked out the window-I sat just behind the engines-and I could see smoke everywhere-and flames-the engine was on fire.
I did say many times that I am not exactly tactful-so I won't have a shot at joining the diplomatic service, that's for sure!!- so I called the stewardess over and said "oh, look, the engine is on fire" - very coolly, as if I was requesting a glass of water - but I was loud enough to give my seatmate a case of the vapors. She looked, turned even whiter, jumped out of her seat and ran back to the toilets, and that was the last I ever saw of her. Meanwhile, the stewardess turned white, and there was a plague of white-faced people who looked like they wanted to cry. All I said was, "well, don't worry, all we can do is crash, nothing we can do about it. Anyway, it isn't the take-off, it's the landing that'll kill you".
I was a lot younger then...and I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine. I'm still okay about flying; I just don't like the tedium of eight hours in the air, hearing screaming children and inhaling other people's stale farts. Charming...!!
I wish it could be like Star Trek: just beam me up in London, and beam me down in New York!!
I've been finding it really difficult; we've had a lot of rain in the last week-of course, this is England, after all!! I normally don't mind rain (as long as I'm not caught without an umbrella when I need to be somewhere), but my balance is badly affected.Still, it isn't as bad as it was last year.
I'm quite amazed that I am doing this: going abroad, when I don't really know how my body will react to air travel (not to mention airline food!!). My friend is staying at my place while I'm gone (a little holiday of her own), so she gets to hear the neighbor from Hell - that will be interesting. It really isn't that gripping.
I've already rung the airline to tell them about taking all my meds and my nebulizer, needles and syringes onboard. They did say I should only carry what I need to nebulize on the plane-but I said that I need to carry everything, just in case my suitcase ends up in Brazil and I'm in New York, in deep doodoo without my drugs. That didn't go down too well, but we will see what happens when I get to the airport. They did tell me to arrive three hours before my flight-because going through security is very, very slow.
Personally, it's a pain, but I would rather security be tight (and slow) than sit on a plane that decides to explode halfway there!!
I remember flying back from New York to Heathrow many years ago. I sat in a window seat, and there was a woman sitting next to me who was gripping the armrests so hard, her knuckles went white-so did her face. I asked her if she was okay...and she said she is terrified of flying, but her daughter just had a baby, so she wanted to see her family. I remember asking her not to throw up if at all possible-because that would make me throw up, and we would probably have an epidemic of puking.
So, we took off from JFK, and we weren't in the air for more than twenty minutes when there was a loud bang. I looked out the window-I sat just behind the engines-and I could see smoke everywhere-and flames-the engine was on fire.
I did say many times that I am not exactly tactful-so I won't have a shot at joining the diplomatic service, that's for sure!!- so I called the stewardess over and said "oh, look, the engine is on fire" - very coolly, as if I was requesting a glass of water - but I was loud enough to give my seatmate a case of the vapors. She looked, turned even whiter, jumped out of her seat and ran back to the toilets, and that was the last I ever saw of her. Meanwhile, the stewardess turned white, and there was a plague of white-faced people who looked like they wanted to cry. All I said was, "well, don't worry, all we can do is crash, nothing we can do about it. Anyway, it isn't the take-off, it's the landing that'll kill you".
I was a lot younger then...and I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine. I'm still okay about flying; I just don't like the tedium of eight hours in the air, hearing screaming children and inhaling other people's stale farts. Charming...!!
I wish it could be like Star Trek: just beam me up in London, and beam me down in New York!!
Friday 5 October 2012
National Rumination Week
I spend so much time ruminating, I thought it would be a great idea to have a National Rumination Week. That way, we could postpone ruminating for the rest of the year, and spend one entire week ruminating, pondering, wallowing, or whatever...and the rest of the year, we could spend just enjoying life.
It sounds like a good idea, anyway...at least, to me! And I usually spend the last three months of every year looking back at all the things I wanted to do-and didn't-so this could save me a great deal of time (never mind all the angst). And this year has been no exception-and it is only the beginning of October!!!
I'm distracting myself (somewhat) by planning my trip to New York. I've surprised myself by starting to make lists of everything I need to take with me, and everything I want to buy when I'm over there-and taking all the numbers of all the people I want to call and putting them somewhere safe. Usually, when I put something somewhere "safe" I find it several years later!! But this year, I have been really good. So far. Next week I will be freaking out, even though I am going to be ready to leave in plenty of time.~Whew-I think I will need a holiday after my holiday!!
I've got a week to go, and I'm excited, although I'm a bit concerned about my balance (or, lack of it). I'm taking all my medication with me on the plane (complete with a doctor's letter, so my nebulizer won't be seized and smashed to see if it explodes), so that should be okay. But-I haven't gone anywhere in so long, I don't know how I will deal with eight hours on a plane: no balance system, and eight hours on a plane.
I've decided not to worry about it. The worst that can happen is that I stand up and fall over. And-that's certainly one way to meet people!!!!
I called my friend NJ last night, even though I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks. We had a good laugh about the fact that I am also going to take a surgical mask with me for the duration of the flight. Who knows how many sick people there will be on the plane? Besides that, I don't want to really spend eight hours inhaling other people's stale farts. No thank you!!
NJ is right: I have been more than a little bit negative for a very, very long time, and it's time for an attitude adjustment. I have been working on it - you could say that I'm a work in progress. And-I'm getting very good with my stick, so if anyone really bugs me, I've got very good aim!!!!
It sounds like a good idea, anyway...at least, to me! And I usually spend the last three months of every year looking back at all the things I wanted to do-and didn't-so this could save me a great deal of time (never mind all the angst). And this year has been no exception-and it is only the beginning of October!!!
I'm distracting myself (somewhat) by planning my trip to New York. I've surprised myself by starting to make lists of everything I need to take with me, and everything I want to buy when I'm over there-and taking all the numbers of all the people I want to call and putting them somewhere safe. Usually, when I put something somewhere "safe" I find it several years later!! But this year, I have been really good. So far. Next week I will be freaking out, even though I am going to be ready to leave in plenty of time.~Whew-I think I will need a holiday after my holiday!!
I've got a week to go, and I'm excited, although I'm a bit concerned about my balance (or, lack of it). I'm taking all my medication with me on the plane (complete with a doctor's letter, so my nebulizer won't be seized and smashed to see if it explodes), so that should be okay. But-I haven't gone anywhere in so long, I don't know how I will deal with eight hours on a plane: no balance system, and eight hours on a plane.
I've decided not to worry about it. The worst that can happen is that I stand up and fall over. And-that's certainly one way to meet people!!!!
I called my friend NJ last night, even though I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks. We had a good laugh about the fact that I am also going to take a surgical mask with me for the duration of the flight. Who knows how many sick people there will be on the plane? Besides that, I don't want to really spend eight hours inhaling other people's stale farts. No thank you!!
NJ is right: I have been more than a little bit negative for a very, very long time, and it's time for an attitude adjustment. I have been working on it - you could say that I'm a work in progress. And-I'm getting very good with my stick, so if anyone really bugs me, I've got very good aim!!!!
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Making this public
I have been thinking about ways to make this blog more widely known. I thought about putting it on Facebook, or Twitter - I will need to talk with some of my friends who would know more about that. Of course, then I would have to hide. And move!!
Perhaps I will wear dark glasses. And a mask.
Perhaps I will wear dark glasses. And a mask.
Fairness? Justice? Certainty? On which planet?
I've thought a lot about the fairness of life - and about justice, certainty, fair play. I used to believe that things worked out in the end, that justice would be served, that if you worked very hard, and played fair, there would be a certainty in life. Well, the past two years made me realize how very naive I was to buy that stuff.
I met Julia for lunch on Saturday, and I was surprised: she behaved herself-although there was nobody around for her to jump!! Actually, it was a pleasant couple of hours, and I sat in the part when we went our separate ways; the weather behaved itself, and it was quite lovely. So I took advantage of that, and sat, and ruminated. I'm an expert at rumination, I think!
I wondered if I am still bitter, angry, filled with hatred for the people whose incompetence wrecked my life. I pondered that as I sat on a bench in the sunshine and watched runners passing by, knowing that I will never be able to do that again. The thought crossed my mind that I never did that before, so why would I really care? That thought made me smile, and I pondered the past two years and thought about all the things I learned - about myself, about the world, and, mostly, about other people.
I've decided that, if all the Eastern teachings are correct (not to mention the old New York saying that what goes around, comes around), justice is always served-in one way or another. Nobody gets off scot free, although it seems like it at the time (and how very frustrating that is!!!).
And fairness? People kill other people all the time. People abuse each other - not because they need to, but because they can. People abuse and kill innocent animals. Fairness? The jury is out on that one.
Of course, I have to have a good look at myself - and, if what goes around comes around, I wonder what I did to warrant being in this position. I don't know-but what I do know is, whatever the transgression, I have paid for it several times over. So I have to stop looking back and trying to figure it out, and let it go and move forward. That is, of course, easier said than done!!
Life is, by its' very nature, uncertain. Nobody knows what is going to happen, where we will be, how long we will live, whether a bomb will wipe us out tomorrow, or even where we will be or what we will be doing. We make plans, we make assumptions, we think we know exactly where we are going (some of us do, anyway), and then we are thrown completely off course when something unexpected happens. Our neat little existence is turned inside out and upside down.
I was skipping merrily along, having plotted my life's course, and now I'm unable to skip. In fact, I walk and fall over!! So much for skipping!!
I always start to evaluate the year during the last quarter, starting in October; I think back, and ask myself what I could have (and should have) done, what I've accomplished, what I've done well, what I haven't done so well. And I have been more than a bit down since my hour of sitting in the park, because I thought I have accomplished nothing. The truth is that I have accomplished a great deal.
I've survived - over the past two years, I have survived. As long as I keep my eyes on the goal, and keep working hard, and as long as I refuse to give up, quit, walk away-and as long as I realize that I need to develop patience (for me, that is one hell of an achievement in itself!!!), pick myself up when I get depressed (or fall over), I will get that 80% back, no matter how long it takes.
If people look at me and can't see past the walking stick, the wobbly movements, the visual difficulties (not nearly as bad as they were), then they aren't worth my time.
I met Julia for lunch on Saturday, and I was surprised: she behaved herself-although there was nobody around for her to jump!! Actually, it was a pleasant couple of hours, and I sat in the part when we went our separate ways; the weather behaved itself, and it was quite lovely. So I took advantage of that, and sat, and ruminated. I'm an expert at rumination, I think!
I wondered if I am still bitter, angry, filled with hatred for the people whose incompetence wrecked my life. I pondered that as I sat on a bench in the sunshine and watched runners passing by, knowing that I will never be able to do that again. The thought crossed my mind that I never did that before, so why would I really care? That thought made me smile, and I pondered the past two years and thought about all the things I learned - about myself, about the world, and, mostly, about other people.
I've decided that, if all the Eastern teachings are correct (not to mention the old New York saying that what goes around, comes around), justice is always served-in one way or another. Nobody gets off scot free, although it seems like it at the time (and how very frustrating that is!!!).
And fairness? People kill other people all the time. People abuse each other - not because they need to, but because they can. People abuse and kill innocent animals. Fairness? The jury is out on that one.
Of course, I have to have a good look at myself - and, if what goes around comes around, I wonder what I did to warrant being in this position. I don't know-but what I do know is, whatever the transgression, I have paid for it several times over. So I have to stop looking back and trying to figure it out, and let it go and move forward. That is, of course, easier said than done!!
Life is, by its' very nature, uncertain. Nobody knows what is going to happen, where we will be, how long we will live, whether a bomb will wipe us out tomorrow, or even where we will be or what we will be doing. We make plans, we make assumptions, we think we know exactly where we are going (some of us do, anyway), and then we are thrown completely off course when something unexpected happens. Our neat little existence is turned inside out and upside down.
I was skipping merrily along, having plotted my life's course, and now I'm unable to skip. In fact, I walk and fall over!! So much for skipping!!
I always start to evaluate the year during the last quarter, starting in October; I think back, and ask myself what I could have (and should have) done, what I've accomplished, what I've done well, what I haven't done so well. And I have been more than a bit down since my hour of sitting in the park, because I thought I have accomplished nothing. The truth is that I have accomplished a great deal.
I've survived - over the past two years, I have survived. As long as I keep my eyes on the goal, and keep working hard, and as long as I refuse to give up, quit, walk away-and as long as I realize that I need to develop patience (for me, that is one hell of an achievement in itself!!!), pick myself up when I get depressed (or fall over), I will get that 80% back, no matter how long it takes.
If people look at me and can't see past the walking stick, the wobbly movements, the visual difficulties (not nearly as bad as they were), then they aren't worth my time.
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